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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t bare the thought of him with someone else

11 replies

embarrassed12 · 27/05/2022 08:02

This might be long so apologise in advance.

so me and my ex had been together for 5 and half years and we have a 3 year old son together.

5 months after I give birth I found out he’d been cheating on me with someone he worked with. He didn’t tell me, I found the texts on his phone. I still to this day don’t know exactly what happened. He just told me they admitted they had feelings for each other but I lied to him and said she text me saying they’d shared a kiss and he admitted it but that’s all he sad happened, I’m still not so sure.

anyway we decided after a break to stay together and make it work. I tried and I mean that I really did try to forget what he’d done but it was always there, in the back of my mind. I don’t drink a lot or go out so when I did sometimes we’d have an argument and it would get brought up. Which isn’t fair on him and it’s not fair on me.

oh also, since we got back together there has been numerous times he’s lied about girls. Not in the cheating sense but just little white lies about nights out and stuff.

so Sunday night we had a big argument and it got brought up again and he’s left. He’s gone to stay with his mum whilst I’m still in the house with our son. Hes coming tomorrow to have our son overnight at his mums house which I am absolutely dreading as my son has kept me sane these past couple of days.

it’s all still very raw and I’m really upset and sad about it. I know now this is my time to heal and be alone and sort myself out and in a perfect world later down the line we’d get back together!

Hes the absolute love of my life, he has been since we met at 14 and had a little childhood relationship together. I know our relationship wasn’t the best, he wasn’t given me what I needed or expected from a partner and I clearly wasn’t giving him that.

I just can’t imagine him with anyone else, it makes me physically sick! We’ve split up before and in that time he added all his past ex’s and people he’d slept with back in social media within the space of a week (childish I know). I just sit here alone at night whilst my sons asleep wondering what he’s doing, stalking his social media’s, wondering is he speaking to someone else, is he thinking about me, does he want me back. Like my head is all over the place.

i feel like he needs the attention from other girls to feel good about himself even though he shown me no affection or attention can’t remember the last time I heard the words I love you! We had a conversation no so long ago about us showing each other we care and love each other and his words were “im happy being the way we are, like no being all over each other. It doesn’t bother me we aren’t that way” which did upset me and I just agreed to be that way with him. Which lead to us not real lot speaking which then lead to this argument on Sunday night.

just how do you get over the love of your life? I just feel like I’ll never love someone the way I loved him, I’ll never look at someone the way I looked at him. Like I’m lost without him and I just feel like he doesn’t care at all.

please someone give me some guidance or anything at all to help me! I’m desperate 😩

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/05/2022 08:11

This sounds more like a trauma bond than someone who is the love of your life.

He didn't tell you he loved you, he had an affair, your relationship hadn't always been the best.

Start focusing on the things that you didn't like rather than repeating the 'romance' of it to yourself.

Fairislefandango · 27/05/2022 08:12

I know now this is my time to heal and be alone and sort myself out and in a perfect world later down the line we’d get back together!

Why would you want to get back together with someone who cheats on you and treats you this way?! That is so not an 'in a perfect world' scenario. The point of having time alone to heal is to get over this relationship and put it behind you, not to have a break before starting it again.

He is a liar and has played you for a fool, making you feel bad about daring to bring up his shitty behaviour. He doesn't love you and he clearly doesn't give a shit about how he treats you. You need to wake up and see him for what he is. That will help you get over him.

Fireflygal · 27/05/2022 08:15

How old are you both?

embarrassed12 · 27/05/2022 08:20

@Fireflygal hes in his 30’s and I’m nearly 30

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2022 08:45

I've felt exactly as you feel now before, about someone I longer give a shit about. And I have loved someone else as much (more) than I did him since - my now DP!

The love we feel for someone that hurts us and treats us badly can sometimes feel like the most intense form of love because it's wrapped up with heartbreak, something that can only come from love and that feels very, very strong. But in reality, that doesn't mean we love them more than we've ever loved anyone else or could love anyone else, it just means the feeling of hurt is stronger than anything else we've ever felt, because hurt is a strong emotion. Love and heartbreak get all muddled up into one "strong feeling".

But it's not actually a positive thing to feel that sad, is it. Like everyone else that has ever loved someone, broken up and moved on, you COULD love someone else this much if not more, but someone that only made you happy, rather than miserable.

The man you love is a twat. The man I loved was a twat. You will soon discover you CAN love someone that is not a twat as much as you love this twat when you stop desperately trying not to let him go. I understand how hard that is and I clung on for too long as well but life is much better on the other side.

Watchkeys · 27/05/2022 08:56

What is it in your past/childhood that makes you ignore your feelings, OP?

seensome · 27/05/2022 09:03

You get over it by realising you deserve better.

Fuckthetories · 27/05/2022 09:04

You deserve someone who respects you enough to be faithful and honest. Stop clinging on to the past. You'll be less stressed once you cut ties, believe me! Been there, done that. There's a lot of liars out there and they tend to be charming.

GreyCarpet · 27/05/2022 09:50

The love we feel for someone that hurts us and treats us badly can sometimes feel like the most intense form of love because it's wrapped up with heartbreak, something that can only come from love and that feels very, very strong.

That's pretty much the very definition of a trauma bond.

It's not love.

Love is quiet and safe.

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2022 09:54

@GreyCarpet Agreed!

TopSecret99 · 27/05/2022 10:05

Delete him of all social media and don't check anything! You're just torturing yourself checking that all of the time.

Heartbreak is the worst but you will come out the other side! Just got to ride the wave x

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