Abusive marriage

[ElliesMum2]

I don’t know if I should leave my marriage. When I said my vows in the church I truly meant them but at the moment, 6 years married, 14 years together, I just don’t think I can honour them much longer. Our daughter is 7 months old and I feel like I owe it to her to make the marriage work but I’m so sad and unhappy the majority of the time.

my family think I’m in a mentally abusive marriage. I agree.
he just doesn’t see it.

we argue all the time at the moment and every time I am in the wrong and I have to apologise, he’s very very very rarely him. He might accept he’s to blame for parts of the argument but never all of it. That’s my job. I’m in the wrong. I need to wind my neck in.
im having therapy and I’m on the happy pills at the moment but he’s not doing anything to help himself. He’s had an awful childhood and has a lot of issues but he still refuses to get help. Instead he turns to binge drinking etc.

I’m so scared I will lose my baby because if I leave it will get very nasty and he’s so strong and intelligent that he’ll be able to win every fight over me.
So I suppose my question is; do you stay in a marriage where you know you’re being mentally abused so you get to spend every day with your baby (I won’t have to work again because he provides very well for us) OR do I escape this mental torture and don’t see my baby every day?
I think I’ve answered my own question. I have to stay so I don’t lose my baby.

Hello,

I was you a decade ago and I am just getting round to leaving now, with two mid-age kids. I think you should go. It doesn't get better and it will really affect your self-esteem and your whole sense of reality, and you will end up in this same position ten years older and much weaker, and still having to leave.

I so often wish I'd left when my children were very little so they wouldn't have such a connection to him, as he's really not a nice man.

If I were you I would pack a bag and just go, to a parent or friend's house. It's a difficult world but there are ways of taking the time you need with your baby, and also now there are lots of jobs you can do remotely which could fit round a young child.

I say go. And one more point. Having a little baby is difficult but that is meant to be balanced out by how joyous, fun and loving it is too. Men like that squash all the fun out of everything, or try to, so you will also be depriving yourself of a happy emotional world by staying.

I believe you can do it! Good luck.

I’m leaving my marriage after too many years. My Dh does the same. Always twists anything so I’m at fault. He is so persuasive that I stated doubting myself. Therapy has helped me believe in my self.

whether you leave now, next year, or further down the line, I expect you will leave eventually.

I would suggest you speak with a divorce solicitor (they often offer 30 min free consultation) and see what your situation would be, especially regarding custody of your child).

second, I would suggest keeping a journal. Write down your arguments, and the shitty things he does when they are fresh in your mind. Add in your own transgressions. Take screen shots of relevant texts etc.

This will help you remember how awful he makes you feel when he tries to twist the facts. If you try to divorce/separate this record may help.

Never stay 'for' a child. Honestly, your adult child will consider that a fucking insult. They'll think, how could she say that it's my fault she chose to stay? She couldn't protect us. She couldn't even protect herself. She should have left him because then at least we would have had one safe home to be in. But because she chose to stay,no where was safe.

Because of the abuse and her mothers choice to stay and therefore, accept it, your child will grow up thinking it is normal and that it is all people deserve from a partner. They too, will learn to pander to abusers. They will date abusers, marry them and continue the cycle.

So on behalf of your child op I am saying this- don't you dare use your child as a reason to stay.

Get yourself andyour kids out of there. Fight to minimise his contact with them. But the most important thing is that they have one healthy, happy parent and one safe place to retreat to with you, away from him.

Ps: it's far worse to see someone you love abused infront of you (and know that it's to hurt you. That ìts to get a rise from you amd wouldn't happen if you were not there).

Don't make your children grow up witnessing their mother being abused. They love you. That would break them.

Abusers play you off against your kids too. Best not to all be around them at the same time. It just gives them more opportunity.

Hi there

I'm a man first off. And I agree with the above poster who said never stay for a child because when that child is an adult they will resent it being the reason you chose to stay.

Second, if you truly are in an abusive relationship and want to leave you should leave. You say you are worried he will take your daughter away because he's smarter and will win every fight. Can you afford a good lawyer? Let your lawyer do the arguing on your behalf and bow out completely. I realise its not as simple as that, but that's what lawyers are for.

Third, your happiness is important too and by staying in an unhappy home, and allowing yourself to be abused, you are setting an example for your daughter of what to do if she is ever in that situation. I saw a therapist and was astounded at how much our childhood influences who we become and how we navigate relationships as adults. Would you be happy if your child was in a relationship just like the one you're in now and chose to stay? Or would you want her to leave?

Whatever you would want your daughter to do in that situation is what you should do. The rest may be hard but it will work itself out over time. Do not underestimate what you are capable of.

All the best

Go whilst your baby is young. I didn't but am leaving now with a 20 month old. I feel like her first two years have been spoilt for me because of the amount of mental energy I've spent on my ex partner, the drama and verbal abuse then sulking over things that could easily be sorted like clearing up after making a sandwich. Its only recently I've seen just how distracted I've been from my child and how I have less to give her emotionally and have less patience for her because of the relationship I was in. I wish I had gone sooner because now she's older I feel really guilty for taking her away from her dad whereas when she was younger and less interactive I wouldn't say they had much of a relationship anyway.