Can't decide what to do

[RaraRachael]

I have a group of cousins who used to live here but moved away as kids around 30 years ago. They often come back "home" and visit other cousins but never come to see my family. I'll happen upon them in the street etc, not knowing that they were up here. At a couple of recent family funerals, we were totally left out whereas every other cousin and their kids had a part to play. When I sent a FB message to the organiser asking why, he ignored me.
My dilemma is this - It's really pissing me off wondering why I'm excluded. Should I ask why (as I've never done anything to warrant this) or should I just say "Fuck them all" and spend time with people who choose to spend time with me.

or should I just say "Fuck them all" and spend time with people who choose to spend time with me.

Yup.

If you don’t know, they’re clearly not going to tell you. You’ve asked already, by asking about the funeral, and they ignored you. It’s unlikely to be to do with you - your generation, as you were a child when they left - so it’s something your parents might understand, perhaps. But sounds like they’re not worth the headspace to me.

Are your parents around? Or older siblings? Or any aunts / uncles who didn't move away? Have you asked them? There must have been some falling out in the past.

My parents are both dead now. I can't remember any major falling out in the past as we used to visit them for holidays when we were young. Even if there was something, do people carry feuds on to the next generation, even though it was nothing to do with them?

Sadly, I can confirm that yes, yes they do keep it going into the next generation. I'm in a very similar situation to you and some of my cousins wouldn't even spit on me, despite the fact that I was a child when the fallout happened. Honestly, save yourself some heartbreak and focus on people who value you.

Yes, very common that a family dispute gets passed through generations.

It’s probably that they just don’t feel particularly close to you anymore. I used to be really close to my cousins when I was young. Nowadays I rarely see them, but we’re happy to have a chat if we see each other. We don’t make plans to meet up ever.

I think it's the feeling that I'm being left out that I find hardest to accept. I didn't even go to another relative's funeral as it hurt so much seeing everyone else taking part and me standing on the sidelines. I found that really upsetting as I'd been close to that person.

But I think you just have to accept it. It is painful but once you accept it, the pain lessens.

@loopycurtains Yes, you're right. No use flogging a horse that's obviously dead. I've tried sending friend requests to a couple of them on FB which haven't been accepted.

Their loss.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I've even been there with the 'being sidelined at a funeral' experience. And it took a long while to come to terms with it. But now I just think fuck 'em. I'm a decent person. Their loss. Hope you get to that mindset quicker than I did.

If you were close to these older generation relatives, but not their younger children, did you see these older relatives a lot recently, or do you mean you were once close but not really currently? Were they your grandparents and so you were the only grandchild left out? It’s a strange situation a bit as I’d expect you to either know if there was a rift with aunts/uncles, or be included because of your close current relationship with older relatives.

Just know that their behaviour exposes them as not worth knowing OP. Be proud of yourself and your own family. Time to accept it and move on. Hard as that feels - because there’s injustice in it, as you’re being needlessly scapegoated, but if their toxic little family cluster needs a scapegoat then you are very well out of it.

Every time these feelings arise (and they will for a while) smother yourself in self care and gratitude for your own family and appreciation for your own moral codes.

They were my aunts and uncles and I visited them all regularly. It was a particular cousin who was organising it. He'd been to my son's wedding the year before and all his kids were at the evening do. Absolutely no hint that I was some sort of pariah as I've always invited them to any family evens.