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Original poster

Open Marriage / Sex with another when married

19 replies

namechangedforsexchat · 26/05/2022 22:14

Named changed for this as the username suggests, but been here for a long time (or is beaker, Sistine chapel screamer etc).

Just after some advice / to see whether anyone else has experienced this.

DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 8. We have a generally good relationship, the odd up and down but mostly good. Decent (imo) sex life, it's enjoyable, have sex 2-3 times a week on average.

We have a thing where we talk to each other when we're having sex about fantasies. He is a lot more keen to experiment than I am, but I'm open to talking about it.

One of the things he talks about is other people seeing us have sex / me having sex with another man and him watching. It really gets him off, even just talking about it.

It's not something I'd do simply for me, but knowing that he likes it, makes me like it. I'm not super keen to do it but equally am open to the idea of it. Just to be clear, IF we went ahead, it would be totally down to me. I'm not forced or coerced into doing anything I don't want to do.

Has anyone ever done anything like this? What was the outcome? My main concern is the effect it could have on our relationship.

I know this is very personal but I'd appreciate any views and especially personal experiences, this is obviously not something I feel I can talk to anyone about in real life!

OP posts:
TheABC · 26/05/2022 22:21

Hotwife and cuckold fantasies are quite common, which is what he is talking about here. I don't have any RL experience of it to share; it's one to ask those communities. From what I have seen of my friends who have open marriages, the key is really, really good communication. They lay out their boundaries in advance and stay aware that insecurity or jealousy can crop up unexpectedly.

Manova14 · 26/05/2022 22:29

Be crystal clear about your boundaries, say explicit no's and yes's. I do know of men who've used this arrangement as a foot in the door for other fetishes. and communicate communicate communicate!.
Don't make it the focus of your lives, make sure you keep being a normal couple.
Sometimes fantasies are best left as fantasies.

TheHomeContact · 26/05/2022 22:40

I have polyam friends and friends with various kinds of open relationships.

It can work.

But the friend who brought another man into the equation for the benefit of her husband's cuckold fantasy, ended up splitting with her husband, it didn't have the effect they thought it would 🙁

So it really is something to think about, think again, think some more.

MuMMA8 · 26/05/2022 22:50

Please please don't go ahead with this. This will break the trust you have between each other and the sanctity of your marriage. You already have a good relationship and sex life! Preserve it and make it work between the two of you! Don't succumb to fantasies of another person at the risk of jeopardising a good thing.

Jaguarana · 26/05/2022 22:53

If you've been here for a long time you'll know there's a sex topic which your post might be more suited to, especially if you want other people's experiences.

Sunnygirl1 · 26/05/2022 23:12

One couple I know divorced because of that.

He fell in love with the OW he had an open relationship with and agreed with his wife, she knew about it and left his 1st wife with their 3 children - 2 teenagers and a 6-year-old.

He married this OW and had 2 more children with her. 3 of them have now said a firm No to open relations.

I would never ever share my husband with anyone. Our privacy 1 to 1 is sacred to me. He also would never share me with anyone.

Sunnygirl1 · 26/05/2022 23:13

Fantasies are one thing, real life is the other.

altmember · 26/05/2022 23:16

Fantasy is one thing, playing it out in reality is quite another. I mean, your husband might love to fantasise about it, but he might not consider it something to actually do. Or he might be well up for it, but you should probably have that conversation before you go any further with the considering the idea.

And even if he is up for it, reality is there's a risk that one or both of you regret it or it causes irreparable damage to your relationship. Unless either of you have any experience of swinging/open relationships in the past?

Overthewine · 26/05/2022 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Regularmumnetter · 27/05/2022 02:20

There’s a show on channel 4 you could watch together called open house: the great sex experiment that is about exactly this.

avamiah · 27/05/2022 02:40

You have been together 14 years and still have sex 2 or 3 times a week?
Lucky You.

I would get Netflix or Now TV if your bored for the other couple of days.

Original poster
namechangedforsexchat · 27/05/2022 02:55

Thanks all for the constructive replies. I swear I'm not a troll, feel free to report me to MMHQ, they will confirm I'm a long time user.

I suspect you're right and fantasy is probably best left alone. I was just interested to see if anyone had had similar experiences who can share - I'm not after wank fodder, or specifics! Just about if / how the relationship was impacted.

We are lucky to still fancy the pants off each other and have a good sex life, although no relationship is perfect and we have definitely had drier spells over the years!

OP posts:
Changedagain876 · 27/05/2022 03:40

I know of two couples who did similar, the first was my mate and her partner who were in open relationship but that was basically so he could shag around, he ended up then finding someone and marrying them and being faithful and my mate was gutted. Another couple who swapped partners with each other, then husband A and wife B fell "in love" and ran off together so wife A and husband B shacked up. Both have kids. Can you imagine how that would impact them.

I wouldn't risk it - your sex life sounds great. Fantasy is just that. Real life is very different and you'd be putting your marriage at great risk. I really feel like doing something like this in real life would just feel grim.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/05/2022 04:43

We are in an open relationship. We do and have done stuff like this. It takes a lot of trust and communication. It won't necessarily damage your relationship but if you aren't totally honest about how you both feel about it then it could.
I wouldn't necessarily recommend that a couple who has been monogamous start seeing other people alone, but doing things together? Why not!

Aishah231 · 27/05/2022 05:23

From the way you've written OP it sounds like you're happy with the way things are. You might not feel like you're being coerced but say a definite no. If your husband keeps raising the issue then he is coercing you.

Original poster
namechangedforsexchat · 27/05/2022 10:38

@CloseYourEyesAndSee thanks for your message.
Were you open from the start? I absolutely am not open to seeing other people alone (no judgement, it's just not for me). I'm also not ok with him being with another woman in my presence - I appreciate that's very one sided but that's how I feel and he's fine with that.
I could possibly be persuaded by a MMF experience but am unsure, mainly because our relationship is good and I don't want to mess it up. But then I think it could enhance it?
Could you be a little more specific (if you don't mind) about how your situation came about, and how you choose your people to do this with? (I understand if this is too personal).
We do have someone in mind, who I believe would be up for it, it's someone we both know and actually someone I've had sex with before but not someone I could ever love. It feels safer to me to do it with someone known but maybe that's wrong.

OP posts:
Pugfostermum · 27/05/2022 10:48

Think about how comfortable you are with him having sex with other women.

My ex went on about how he wanted to see me with another man, but then all of a sudden, he felt I was being ‘unfair’ and he wanted to have some fun.

The fact he couldn’t find anyone willing caused a lot of anger and resentment on his part and I was unhappy from day 1.

He was abusive and coercive as a person, but you want to consider this possibility carefully.

An open relationship rarely leads to a happy marriage.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/05/2022 11:51

namechangedforsexchat · 27/05/2022 10:38

@CloseYourEyesAndSee thanks for your message.
Were you open from the start? I absolutely am not open to seeing other people alone (no judgement, it's just not for me). I'm also not ok with him being with another woman in my presence - I appreciate that's very one sided but that's how I feel and he's fine with that.
I could possibly be persuaded by a MMF experience but am unsure, mainly because our relationship is good and I don't want to mess it up. But then I think it could enhance it?
Could you be a little more specific (if you don't mind) about how your situation came about, and how you choose your people to do this with? (I understand if this is too personal).
We do have someone in mind, who I believe would be up for it, it's someone we both know and actually someone I've had sex with before but not someone I could ever love. It feels safer to me to do it with someone known but maybe that's wrong.

Yes open from the start though parameters have changed a lot as time went on.
we go to parties and chat to people on fab.
I get your idea about bringing someone in that you've already slept with, I'm not sure how that would work for us but it's not a bad idea.

YRGAM · 27/05/2022 12:02

I really strongly suggest you leave this as a fantasy

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