Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mixed signals

16 replies

Deepclean · 26/05/2022 21:20

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We're both in our 50s, he's got adult dc but I have 2 at home. When we'd been together a year my boyfriend gave me a ring but later withdrew his proposal saying it hadn't happened, it wasn't meant like that. He did however keep talking about living together, getting married etc. I moved house (2 hours away) to be nearer him, thinking we had agreed this next step and eventually he would sell up and move in. That's what he was saying. Since I moved 3 months ago, he has decided that marriage is not on the cards, and he gets angry if it's mentioned. He stays over half the week but doesn't want to be "joined at the hip" so he comes and goes at times that suit him and thinks I should be happy as I have said that I like my space. I do, but I've explained many times that i want a partner I live with. He says we can't live together until I'm financially stable, mortgage paid off and business doing better. He will never make any financial contribution towards the household (bills, food, mortgage) because my children are nothing to do with him, so I have to accept those terms if we ever live together. I can see this is harsh but fair, he is protecting himself. If I pull away and start to make independent decisions that don't include him, he becomes loving again and can be quite over the top at the thought of losing me. I don't understand, but I'm beginning to think that he doesn't really want me does he? The pity of it is that my dc really do love him, as I do too. For full disclosure he has autism and we live by his many rituals and needs, which I know he can't help but can be limiting. It's not his fault, he needs things a certain way, but he doesn't do compromise and empathy is really hard for him. Despite this, I love him immensely and miss him.

OP posts:
BiggTree · 26/05/2022 21:28

He is being loud and clear about what he wants and expects. He likes it when you are independent and doing your own thing. If this works for you then great. If you want more of a traditional set up, he is unlikely to be your man. What do you want more? Him on his terms or a traditional partnership/marriage set up? He will not change.

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 21:44

I think that regardless of why you're feeling it, the 'mixed signals' feeling is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, if things aren't clear, you simply ask, and your partner cares enough about your feelings to talk to you to a level that is enough to reassure you. If this doesn't happen, things go awry, the secure feeling is lost.

You deserve to feel more secure than having to post on a forum because your partner gets angry when you talk about how you feel.

Naunet · 27/05/2022 09:16

Sorry, he said he will never pay towards bills in you lived together, including food, because you have kids?! Why does he think you having kids means you need to buy him food and pay his share of council tax?!

seensome · 27/05/2022 09:30

He'd have to pay his way whether children are there or not, does he contribute when staying over yours half the week?
Your children are part of your life and if he can't accept that, he shouldn't be good enough for you. Sounds like a cop out because he doesn't want commitment, I think you're wasting your time.

godmum56 · 27/05/2022 09:35

he is telling you loud and clear what he is like. I get him saying that he doesn't want to support your children but the bills food and mortgage thing is NOT FAIR if he is spending time with you....does he not eat or use the hot water at yours? You know really that he is a manipulative pig don't you?

Bunty55 · 27/05/2022 09:46

He's a goalpost changing cocklodger. get rid of him and concentrate on what is important which is your family

frozendaisy · 27/05/2022 14:54

Actions not words.

Be more independent then. Tell him you are thinking things through. That what you want and need is never on the cards it is all just him and you need a bit of space to decide if staying with him is worth giving up everything you want. Because that it seems is what you will have to do.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/05/2022 16:02

You moved 2hrs to spend more time with a man who doesn't want to marry you or move in, or likes your kids. Have your kids moved with you? Is their dad in the picture? Have they moved schools?

You're never going to get what you want from this man. He's a future faker .

DatingDinosaur · 27/05/2022 16:23

Is it possible he’s “masking” (you mention he’s autistic) and that’s why he comes and goes when it suits him? It might be him that needs his own space to recalibrate.

Ultimately, if he keeps changing the goalposts, autism or not, you have to decide whether having him in your life on his (ever changing) terms is something you are happy to compromise on.

Another2022 · 27/05/2022 16:38

Has he been married before? Divorce and the financial side of things can really scare a man from real commitment. I can imagine an autistic man thinking in those kind of terms.

But….you’ve been together for years. This is who he is, it’s up to you too if that’s what you want.

Fireflygal · 27/05/2022 16:49

Since I moved 3 months ago, he has decided that marriage is not on the cards, and he gets angry if it's mentioned

This is worrying, seems like a case of "bait & switch". Getting angry is to silence you.

I really hope the move was positive for your children as he doesn't seem like a good longterm bet. Fine, if you are happy with living apart but not if you want more.

I can understand his reluctance to marry if financially you are not equal. That's sensible as he needs to protect his children's inheritance but he should have been clearer BEFORE you moved.

I know it's too late now but you don't tend to know someone for at least 2 years so perhaps this is the real him??

Original poster
Deepclean · 27/05/2022 18:17

The move was good for the family and the dc are much happier, so I'm glad we did it, but it seems like everything I thought was agreed between him and I has changed now it's a reality. I think you're all right, that he promised the earth but had no intention of following through. He's very happy with everything on his terms and obviously never meant anything he said.

OP posts:
Gudbrand · 27/05/2022 18:35

He says we can't live together until I'm financially stable, mortgage paid off and business doing better
And once those three things have happened he will come up with some other excuse.

He will never make any financial contribution towards the household (bills, food, mortgage) because my children are nothing to do with him, so I have to accept those terms if we ever live together
You should not accept this. If he lives with you then he does need to be contributing to the household - the bills and food in particular. He does not have to pay for your kids' food but he needs to pay for his share, ditto the bills.
The mortgage is a minefield and what happens there depends on all sorts of factors but it doesn't sound like this relationship is stable enough for there to be any talk of joint mortgages.
Don't accept any of this, do not move him in. He's telling you how it is going to be. He's going to be living with you and will "never make any financial contribution towards the household", while presumably still owning his own place, possibly renting it out and making money that way, while also saving so much money because he's not paying for food and bills.

Is having a live-in partner a dealbreaker for you OP? Because if this is what you really want, this is not the right man for that. It sounds like he's happier living alone and he certainly isn't talking like he thinks this is a genuine partnership with a future.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/05/2022 18:57

For full disclosure he has autism and we live by his many rituals and needs, which I know he can't help but can be limiting. It's not his fault,

It's not your children's fault either.
Why are you wrapping their lives round the "needs" ie demands of your b/f?

How long ago did you move 2 hours to be nearer to this prince among men?
Do you have any friends or family locally now?
How easy would it be to move back 'home'?

KettrickenSmiled · 27/05/2022 19:06

Apologies OP I missed the obviously-written fact that you moved 3 months ago.

If I pull away and start to make independent decisions that don't include him, he becomes loving again and can be quite over the top at the thought of losing me.

He is a manipulator who is coercively controlling you & acting out the classic cycle of abuse -
Idealise
Devalue
Discard

He is a deeply selfish man who future faked you to get you to upsticks & move you & your kids 2 hours away from all that was familiar to you.

He "doesn't do compromise & empathy"
Everything "has to be on his terms"
He "gets angry" if you mention him breaking his promise about marriage/cohabitation

But you "love him" ... so are putting up with this shit?

Why are you accepting this man breadcrumbing you & dictating the "limiting" way you & your DC are allowed to live when he's around?

Iamnotamermaid · 27/05/2022 19:08

Ok I get why he wants you to be financially independent and he wants to do the same. But if you are living together, living costs should be combined regardless. He just seems to want certain bits of a relationship but not others, picking and choosing what suits him best rather than you as a couple.

Either you are happy with this mindset and can cope with minimal investment from him or decide you want someone who can 'bring more to the table.'

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread