Sex question - advice please!

[Foggymist22]

Me and my BF have recently separated but my post is regarding sex issues we had. To give a bit of background when we first started dating I sensed there was something a bit different about him when it came to sex, he seemed perfectly happy to wait and then when we did start having sex there were times he said he just wanted to cuddle. He hid it well but I always thought he seemed a bit anxious about sex. Then on one night out he came back from the toilets saying he had just bought some viagra from a machine in the gents and was laughing about it as he took it. Then as time went on in our relationship there were several times he went soft or wasn’t fully hard or if we did have sex it didn’t last very long as he came really quickly. He was quite a big drinker and had been for over 15 years, he cut down when we met but I did wonder if years of heavy drinking could have caused this? He was very affectionate and loved to cuddle but sometimes it’s like he avoided having sex. He would always tell me he fancied me and touch my bum, hold my hand and kiss me but when it came to having sex it got to the point it became soul destroying for me as I didn’t know what was going on. I have been back to our house this week to collect some more of my things and found some porn mags in a bedside draw. So it’s clearly not that he doesn’t have the urge. Can anyone explain this to me, is a guy able to masturbate normally if they have erectile dysfunction/ premature ejaculation? This isn’t the reason we split up but it really affected my confidence and he would not talk about it to me. I would question why we didn’t have sex that much and he would assure me he fancied me and would just make excuses but finding those porn mags has made my self esteem plummet even further. I know we aren’t together anymore but this is going to affect affect me in a new relationship as I’m thinking was it me?

Anyone?

Yes men with erectile dysfunction do masturbate. They don’t need a full erection to orgasm.

Too much porn leads to an inability to have normal interiors for some.

People who haven't experienced this will vehemently deny its a thing, but its a reality for an increasing number of couples sadly.

Its not you.

Interiors! 😂

Intercourse.

He could get an erection but then he would lose it, or if he was able to maintain it to have sex he would ejaculate really quickly. Needless to say I was very frustrated but also couldn’t help but take it personally. I think as time went on he got more worried about it happening again each time we got close to sex, but it confused me that he was able to look at porn and masturbate no problems but I was there happy to have sex and he avoided it or couldn’t maintain an erection.

Just Google porn causing problems with sex

It's very common

Please don't Google anything with the word p0rm in it. You may get plagued by spam afterwards, and that gets very tedious having to keep removing it! As you can see I am a bit paranoid now, and don't want to risk even typing the word into this site!

I'm a man - your bfs problem sounds like performance anxiety and possibly excessive porn use as well. And the drinking won't help, though if he masturbates regularly then that suggests he has normal desires and the issue arises - or perhaps doesn't arise - when he is with a partner. He needs to refrain from all sexual contact and activity for a week or two - if desire doesn't overcome anxiety after that time then there are deeper issues that need to be tackled.

Great response from @Anothernick

@Anothernick thank you, it’s helpful to get a mans insight. I just couldn’t work out if it was anxiety, porn, the drink or me! Deep down I don’t think it was me but then I also can’t help think that it was and it has affected me. I have read that long term heavy drinking can also cause issues sexually. Before meeting me he probably drank every night for years. He would wake up with an erection but then if we had sex it would be over very quickly. Then other times he would just not be able to get fully hard or he would lose it mid way through sex. I tried not to mention it really as I knew any anxiety would be made worse but the times I did mention the lack of sex he just made other excuses like going to bed at different times or being busy.

@Foggymist22 I can guarantee it's not you, please don't let this affect your self esteem

A guy I dated had problems like this, he secretly took visgra, he ended up being diagnosed with a heart condition

Ive encountered this and the secretiveness around it is the killer. The refusal to discuss it, figure out why, try to change behaviours etc You're just supposed to smile and pretend its all fine. When they know full well it isnt, and that it is effecting you badly too. Also I think they usually know exactly why it happening too, but don't want to have to change or address it (whether that be drink, porn use, other health issues etc).

@MissSmiley thank you. I’m trying not to let it but I think seeing those porn mags really knocked me, even though I knew he looked at porn now and then and it didn’t bother me just seeing it there just made me question things against and if it was me. He did used to make it obvious to me he fancied me in other ways but then he hardly ever tried it on or if he did the issues mentioned above occurred a lot.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea you have hit the nail on the head there, it’s the secrecy and avoidance that’s the main issue. It means there’s an elephant in the room and makes the partners self esteem drop. If he had talked about it with me we could have worked together to improve things or at least I would have known it was not me so I wouldn’t have been questioning myself / our relationship.

Sounds very similar to an ex of mine.
Found out after we split he had artery issues (alongside the chronic alcoholism and smoking)
It knocked my confidence too.
But its definitely not you.
Be kind to yourself 💐