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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel trapped and depressed

24 replies

Virgogirlxx · 26/05/2022 18:55

First time poster - I’m so miserable in my relationship, I hate being around my partner and try and spend my time with family or friends instead. We have a 1 year old LB and we have a house together (which I own and bought although we were both supposed to contribute but he never did). He drains me financially and emotionally, he is always in debt (although I’ve helped him multiple times pay previous debts off because I wanted his credit to improve so we could have a better future). I work full time and have a well paid job, I earn more than him so I pay for everything for our son, anything for the house, any holidays, any extra bills or child care. After I pay all this in skint or in my overdraft but he still find money to smoke 20 a day and could spent £400 a month on betting. He has debt letters come through weekly and if I try and speak to him he lies to me or tells me to F off.

it’s not only the money and the debt, he’s also very lazy at home, he’s rude to me and he’s extremely negative and draining to be around and a compulsive liar. But he is a good dad…

i’ve told him multiple times how unhappy I am and I don’t want to be in this relationship and I don’t want our son to grow up in a house where his parents always argue and clearly hate each other but he refuses to move out. He just acts like I’ve never said anything and tries to act like everything is normal. When I say why do you want our son to grow up like this surely he deserves better he says he won’t ever have his son live with another man and he won’t have shared custody where he only sees his son once a week. I said he could see him everyday still but he says if he moves back to where his family are from (an hour and a half away) he won’t be able to see him everyday and he’s not having that. He’s made me feel like I’m trapped and I have no choice as he won’t accept I don’t want to be with him and he won’t leave.

Everyone around me is getting engaged and married and so happy and I feel so sad, I feel like I’ve ruined my life and I’m only 30. I feel like I deserve so much better, I have a good job, I have a great family and friendship group, I love my son and we have the best bond but I know I’d be happier on my own just me and my LB and it would be a better home life for him. But this relationship is draining me and making me so depressed, I cry everyday. I know in my gut it’s not right but I feel trapped.

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/05/2022 18:58

You are not trapped. Get rid of him now. Short term pain for long term gain. Do you want this for the next 20 years or even forever? If not act now.he is a disgusting sponge. Dont give him a penny more no joint accounts. Starve him out. If he wants money he can get a job.

MsEverywhere · 26/05/2022 19:00

So you are not married? And its your house? He just refuses to leave?

Well, maybe speak to a solicitor first, or women's aid for advice, but you need to get him out. Can you change the locks when he is out and put all his stuff outside,. Call the police if he gets aggressive? Tell him to speak to you via a solicitor re access.

This is not your life and you are not trapped.

MolliciousIntent · 26/05/2022 19:15

In the nicest possible way, you're being ridiculous - you're not trapped AT ALL! You have all the power, youve got the job, the money and the property, he has fuck all. Tell him to get out, change the locks, put his shit out front and get on with your life without this waster. Odds are he won't even take you to court to see your son.

RandomMess · 26/05/2022 19:18

If you are not married and the house is on your name you can actually force him out easily.

Personally I would pack his bags and change the locks.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2022 19:24

Why do you think that such a man is a good dad?. Women in such poor relationships often write this nonsense when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. Why did you write that of him?. If he treats you, his child’s mother, like this then he is NOT a good dad.

You are not as trapped nor as powerless as you think you are either. Speak indeed to a Solicitor and look at obtaining both occupation and non molestation orders against this man who uses and abuses you. Make your 31st year on this planet a lot happier for both you and your boy. He will also thank you for doing so. Womens Aid are also well worth contacting here, I would also advise you going forward to enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme as this will help you. Men like this can and do mess with boundaries big time and your own recovery from his abuses of you both will only properly start when you are free of him. Do not be afraid either to call the police if and when he starts on you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2022 19:25

You have not ruined your life but you will ruin it if you at all remain with your abuser.

BeardyButton · 26/05/2022 19:26

This situation is not going to get better. Take a day off work. Get him out of the house somehow (work, meeting friends). Hire locksmith. Gather his stuff. Black plastic bags. Leave it outside with a note. Any issues, ring the police.

Fedupbuyer · 26/05/2022 19:38

Pack his bags throw them out the door,change the locks!

wellhelloitsme · 26/05/2022 19:54

it’s not only the money and the debt, he’s also very lazy at home, he’s rude to me and he’s extremely negative and draining to be around and a compulsive liar. But he is a good dad…

He's. Not. A. Good. Dad.

Crimeismymiddlename · 26/05/2022 20:06

You own the house, you are not married. He has no say who lives in your house. Unless of course you put him on the deeds and he has a claim against it. You have told him to go, he has chosen not to leave. As others said starve him out, lock away anything he can steal/sell, all important paperwork out the house, lock on your bedroom door, he no longer sleeps there, no more cash for him, if you have any joint accounts move all your cash to a new one he can’t get access to.
Once you have done this you can send him a solicitor’s letter giving him two weeks notice to leave. On the day pop his stuff in a storage locker and change the locks. He won’t go unless you force him.
Once he is out don’t let him back in to see your son, it’s his responsibility to sort out where to take him.
You can do it, you are doing it all on your own already, it will be much easier without him.

cottagegardenflower · 26/05/2022 20:20

You are not trapped. the house is yours. the job you have pays well. you are not married.

show in the (your) door!

DoubleChinWoes2 · 26/05/2022 20:36

I hope this advice gives you the confidence to do something proactive. Sometimes seeing it through others eyes is the kick you need

You are not responsible for him or his life. You know what you need to do. He is an adult, and you've got to look after your own life and happiness. He certainly isn't.

Take care of yourself and by default, your little boy. You sound like you have your head screwed on with every other aspect of your life so apply your confidence at work and with friends to this situation

BraveryBot9to5 · 26/05/2022 22:42

What a loser. So you're not married and the house is in yr name?

Touch wood you can get him to leave, if he refuses, call the police

Itstimetoquit · 28/05/2022 19:48

Call the police they will remove him x

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 28/05/2022 21:10

Do you want your son growing up with that as his role model? Of course not, he is a terrible father and partner. Tell him the relationship is over and he needs to leave. Call the police and alert them that you are leaving an abusive relationship if you are frightened he will get aggressive or violent. Womensaid or rights of women can give you practical advice too on how to make him leave. Your relationship is financially abusive and has the signs of coercive control, which is a crime.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
www.womensaid.org.uk/
If he decides to move too far away to see his child, that's on him. Grown ups get jobs and make sacrifices for their children, and he can start being one once you stop enabling his cocklodging abusive behaviour.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 28/05/2022 21:16

Legally you should give between 14 and 28 days notice. Once you have withdrawn your permission for him to share your home, he no longer has a right to remain there and there is nothing to stop you changing the locks while he is out. If he refuses to leave (and doesn't for long enough to change the locks) you can apply to the court for an order of ejection which the police will enforce.

Unanananana · 28/05/2022 22:17

How exactly is he a good dad? Your poor baby, growing up with that as a father. Don't you want better for you and your child.

Change the locks and chuck his shit out. Not seeing the angst.

Bananalanacake · 28/05/2022 22:48

Does he have any legal claim to your house, if not get a friend to back you up when you tell him to leave.

madroid1 · 29/05/2022 01:38

Legally you should give between 14 and 28 days notice.

BULL. SHIT.

He's abusive. He has no right to notice. Wait until he's out (pretend to go to work if necessary) then go home get locks changed. Pack bags and leave them on the drive. Ring the police when he comes to threaten you (inevitable).

You simply must get rid of him. You will feel so much better when you do. And your son will thank you for it one day.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 29/05/2022 07:36

Pack his bags . Change locks.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 29/05/2022 07:41

You’re not trapped - you can chuck him out any day. You don’t need him.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 29/05/2022 07:42

And no, he isn’t a “good dad”.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 29/05/2022 07:45

www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/

“If your ex-partner is violent and refuses to leave the home, you can apply for a court order to help you to stay in the home and make your ex-partner leave. This is called an occupation order. Get legal advice from a solicitor, who can help you apply”

Quartz2208 · 29/05/2022 08:17

Is the house just in your name?

And you can end this - it isnt his choice

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