How do I do this?

[MumofThree3U4]

I’ve recently had my 3rd baby so now have a 3 year old, 20 month old and 5 week old, and my “partner” (P) has walked out on us.

P has mental health issues (depression, anxiety, OCD and rapid cycling manic depression - all diagnosed and he is on medication plus talking therapies). Plus it’s been discussed that he may be developing a personality disorder.

P has been having a difficult period since January and is really struggling with family life. He can’t cope with the children and blames me for him not having as much time/money to himself as he would like. He’s been telling me since I was 8 months pregnant that he doesn’t love me and wants to leave.

Ive managed to disassociate myself from this by understanding that it’s his mental health causing the issues along with demands of family life with small children. (All the things he complains about are due to having small children and I have the same demands/constraints on me, but I deal with them better)

I’ve been trying to help and support him for months but he can’t see that he needs to make changes to get better. He has a fraught relationship with our 3YO and things that it’s the 3YO who needs to change. P admits that he can’t cope with the children.

however things have now come to a head and P has left. I’m distraught for the children as I feel like he’s just going to walk away from them. I don’t feel comfortable with him having the children unsupervised as P gets easily frustrated and shouts at them (P is starting an anger management course soon). Plus it would have to be on the weekend as the children have nursery during the week, but P says he wants to go to the football every weekend.

I just need someone to tell me that everything is going to be ok and the children will be fine. Does anyone have any stories to share where the dad walked away and things turned out ok? Are the children going to be scarred for life? Do I need to get them therapy?

Plus if anyone has advice on morning and bedtime routines that would be greatly received. Thank you

First, I’m sorry this has happened, you’ve a lot to deal with.
Children’s’ needs are pretty simple —- love, security, food, warmth and routine. You love your children. Without P you can offer the children security—- he cannot. Expecting a 3 year old to change to suit him is totally unrealistic and shows zero understanding of children. You can give the children routine and calmness which their father doesn’t seem able to supply.
Your eldest may ask where daddy is, just keep it simple “ daddy has had to go for a while, we’ll see him soon” Keep it the same, don’t vary it or make up elaborate stories.
Womens Aid can offer you support or you could speak to your HV.

From what you’ve written I don’t think your husband is a suitable person to have around children. It’s sad but it happens. When you speak to him encourage him to keep up his therapy and medication but you need your emotional energy for your children.

Yes you will be fine. My DD had 2 and was 8 months pregnant and found herself on her own. Relationship she had was truly awful. She was distraught, thought she would never cope and 4 years on it was the best thing that ever happened to her. She managed to get a Council house, met a new bloke and is far, far happier. He too had depression but in reality he was just an abusive fuck.

Your children will also be far better off without an abusive, shouty man child too

Asking her why she had children with him is really unhelpful.

They're young enough that they won't really remember a life where you were all living together. You'll do this and you'll do it brilliantly.

I'm wondering the same. The quick succession of babies would put a strain on someone without mental health issues. What's done is done but I'm curious as to whether he was coping with the first two when you became pregnant with the third.

Op did you think having more children with him would make life easier. He could not cope with the oldest yet you went ahead and had 2 more. I am sorry to sound so harsh but did you put your needs for children above his mental health? You need to let him get professional help and maybe he will be ready to join the family again. If not get all the support you can from friends and family. Good luck op

Thank you for your replies.

To answer the question as to why we had children; up until around 6 months ago he was brilliant. He used to be so good with the children, I was so proud of how hands on he was and was listen to my friends complaining about how their DH’s rarely changed nappies or needed to be told what to do and I thought I had one of the good ones. Our baby was very much planned and wanted by both of us. This is the worst P mental health has ever been.

Bumping in the hope that there might be more advice

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you op.
Firstly you are not in anyway to blame for this. I love how men use mental health as an excuse to be an arsehole and shit parent.
Secondly my ex husband was exactly the same, please think carefully before making a decision to take him back. If he really has mental health problems it's not up to you to help him that's on him and if he really valued the children and you he would move heaven and earth to find help. Put the children first and don't take him back. It will be miserable for you all.