why is MIL so damn difficult?

[frootloop]

MIL has upset DH again by making a fuss and being difficult about visiting our baby when it arrives in a few weeks.

she sounds like she has been asked to clean the mens toilets at wembley stadium when asked about coming up to visit, in one phone call she stated that: she won't drive up (even though she is a perfectly capable 55 yr old.)
she won't take the train on a saturday or sunday, as they are busy
she demanded to be met at waterloo by DH and escorted to the right train(can't she look at the fecking board like everyone else?????), she the complained that she can't book a ticket in advance because she doesn't know the precise date baby will make an appearance and buying on the day will be expensive(then drive FGS woman)
she is generally making any excuse not to come to visit us, expecting us to go to her.

BTW, she has no job or any other commitments to prevent her coming.

it really upsets DH when he compares his mums less than enthusiastic reaction to my mums, who would drive through the seven circles of hell to see baby the moment it pops out.

are we expecting too much of her? i thought it was normal to go and visit rather than expecting a new mum who will be very tired, bleeding and probably torn, to pack up a new born to drive to see her.

It sounds like it's probably better she stays away for a bit if she has this attitude. Or is she ok apart from this? I can understand why your dh is upset of course, everyone wants their mum to behave like yours does when a new baby is born, but some people are just not capable. Don't let it spoil the birth of your baby, and ABSOLUTELY do NOT go and visit her - this is probably what she wants, and you should not be the one doing the visiting when you've just given birth!

Just leave her to her own devices - if she wants to come, she will. You shouldn't be worrying about it TBH.

I don't think you should go and visit her.

I hate this expression but... END OF!

Maybe you should be OK with her not wanting to come up. (Though perhas she could have been a little more tactful).

At the risk of starting WW3, if your daughter has a baby, you probably feel negligent if you're not there banging down the door to help.
MIL however, can be a little more relaxed about seeing the baby as you'll be baby mooning and may not appreciate it (you may not realise this till the time comes.

Use the time for bonding, (if you're choosing to bf you'll probably appreciate a few days to get used to it without the presence of people you're not comfortable with baring your boobs in front of).

I know her reaction isn't ideal, but try to see it positively.
The other thing is some people just don't do newborns (if only they'd be up front and say so). They seem so fragile compared to a 3month old.

I feel for your DH.
Is it your first babe?

No, you're not expecting too much of her...any normal human member of the family would respond in the way you are hoping her to. But you need to know this one thing, she is your mother IN LAW. She is therefore programmed to be difficult in all circumstances where you, the wife / girlfriend/ may demand (through no fault of your own) more attention and affection (particularily from her beloved son) than herself. She must find ways to make it difficult for her so that when she does appear she can remind all of her sacrifice. She doesn't mean to be mean and she certainly doesn't mean to upset her darling son, it's just nature.
You must also remember that as paternal grandmother (this is actually scientifically proved and not just sarcasm) she will not be able to bond with the new baby in the way that the maternal grandmother will. It has something to do with the baby being built / shpaed for your arms / breast and therefore more comfortable with your mum than his.
In all seriousness, try not to be offended, if my and countless other MNers experience counts for anything, this situation will probably fell so much more heightened over the next few weeks, months and years. Your reltaionship will probably change with her as it usually does with your own mum, just get on with your miracle and all will fall into place eventually. X

i am secretly glad that MIL might not come, she is a right wet hen that just really irritates me. and i certainly won't be going to visit her.

i saw that report about paternal grandparents and i can quite believe it.

im upset that DH is upset, his mum has never been interested in anything he does or achieves and i think her complete lack of interest in her sons first child has really hurt him deeply although he won't admit it. it showed in how angry he was last night when he got off the phone, he went to sleep talking about how much MIL annoyed him.

i can't imagine how i would feel if my mum showed no interest in my life.

My MIL is like this -so is FIL. They don't come to visit unless DH practically BEGS them to. When we had ds 2 we asked her to come and look after ds 1 which she said yes to. When the time came she did drive -Manchester to Swindon -by herself and look after him. Something she later said not only shed light on why she hadn't in the past but also gave me a little more understanding of her. She was so chuffed with herself for 'driving all that way by myself, I never thought I could do it' This amazed me as I drive all over the place. It made me realise that her little world had got so small and her routine so defined that anything out of the norm completely flumoxed her. Maybe your MIL is like this, (but maybe she is just a cow)but the real question is -what are you going to do about it? I would show her a little understanding but not go and take the baby to her or give in to her demands of being escorted by your dh. Give in once and you will set a precedent for every visit. You enjoy your wonderful baby, let her figure her own reasons out.