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Original poster

Secret within the relationship

17 replies

HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 13:48

I've been with my other half for 8 years next month. We have 3 children together and overall, the relationship is good. We get on well. My problem is that there are things I haven't told him about my past that have been coming back up for me recently and I know I should be open with him and I do feel bad about keeping something so big from him but I really, really don't feel like I can tell him any of it. He's knows I'm on an antidepressant but that's all he knows. He doesn't know that I was sexually abused when I was younger or that I was raped by my ex boyfriend. I've been in touch with mental health services recently and I'm on waiting list for trauma therapy. How am I even supposed to tell him anything like that, after so long. TMI but we do still.have sex, it's just when he initiates it....as I've lost all interest and feel like I'm only doing it for him. He also doesn't really listen....like, if he's been out and he comes back drunk, he won't listen when I day no....he'll carry on, until I give in to him. Sometimes he hurts me during sex and I know 100% he doesn't mean to but for some reason I can't tell him that he's hurting me, it just doesn't come out. I feel like it's a bit of a tough situation but not only have I not told him, I haven't told anybody else either....well, I told 1 "friend" years ago and she told 4 other people and confronted one of the people that abused me....he obviously called me a liar 🙄

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2022 14:15

Oh honey, I so sorry you've you've through all this. And I'm sorry to have to tell you but your husband is assaulting you too. If you say no, it means no. You don't have to give a reason why, you don't have to justify it, the fact that he has been drinking does not excuse his behaviour and he knows perfectly well that no means no and probably also that he is hurting you.

Sexual coercion (continuing to pester someone when when say no until they have sex with you) is a crime. And having sex with someone after they have said no, if they do not change their mind - is rape. At best, he is doing the former.

Please speak with womens aid about your situation and bring it up with your councilor whe you meet them.

What happened to you is not your fault. Nor is what is happening to you now. But it is happening to you again.

You don't owe this man any explanations because you are not the one in the wrong. He is. No means no. No exceptions. Please take steps to leave this man as soon as possible. You are not safe with him.

Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2022 14:20

Also if, if you genuinely believe he doesn't know what he is doing rhen you need to sit him down and tell him that you do not enjoy sex with him when he is drunk and that it is absolutely not ok for him to pester you for it. That in future, he needs to sleep in a different room when he drinks as he has actually hurt you several times and it's just not ok.

If he isn't absolutely mortified, you'll know for a fact that he doesn't give a shit about you and is happy to go on abusing you. Same thing goes if he continues to drink or if he continues to use coercive tactics for sex and not listen to 'no'.

Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2022 14:26

Oh and pps: sex is an act for mutual enjoyment, pleasure and fun. Don't have sex with people who not only, don't care about yours...but also, don't even care if they are hurting you. Which, he would know, if he cared to ask about what you wanted from sex at all. He doesn't.

billy1966 · 26/05/2022 14:34

Carrying on when he is drunk and you don't want to, is rape.

That is so awful for you and so wrong.

How can that be anything but horrific for you, especially knowing your past.

Please know he is very wrong to do this.

Please call Womens aid for support.

Good men do not do this, even with drink taken.

Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2022 15:00

Hope you're OK op. I understand that it's probably a massive shock. You've probably come on thinking that the issue was your history and that as a result of it, maybe you were being triggered easily. When actually, your partners behaviour behaviour is extremely wrong and worrying.

Anyone would be hurt by it, irregardless of their past. Because its just completely sick.

Often we think 'oh but it's not as bad as...'. and ask ask result, we try to brush it under the table. But this is not something you should do here. This man is supposed to love you and protect you. Instead, he continually hurts you.

You are not overreacting or oversensitive or blaming him for your past or any of that shit. You are being abused and have every right to feel betrayed.

You don't need to tell him of your past abuse. Because it's not really relevant to his behaviour or how you feel about it. What he is doing is wrong, so wrong.

I hope you have friends or relatives who can help you through things op. But women's aid is a great place to start too.

Original poster
HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 17:31

Yeh....to be honest, although I was saying no, I didn't realise it would be called rape because I eventually just went along with it anyway 😕

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/05/2022 17:49

If you have sex you don't want to have and have told them no to, it is rape. We were not there though so do not know the full specifics. But at best, it sounds like you were coerced into sex that you actually didn't want. So even if you wouldn't go as far as to say it is rape, it is still sexual coercion. And that has no place in a relationship.

Original poster
HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 18:29

Is it wrong of me to keep these pretty big things from him. I really don't want to tell him but is it realistic of me to go through counselling etc for something like this, without support

OP posts:
D0lphine · 26/05/2022 18:32

If you say "no" and he carries on then that is rape OP.

So I think the best course of action would be to make plans to leave him.

D0lphine · 26/05/2022 18:35

HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 17:31

Yeh....to be honest, although I was saying no, I didn't realise it would be called rape because I eventually just went along with it anyway 😕

Yes it is rape I'm afraid.

Please look after yourself. If you need to talk call woman's aid or rape crisis. They will speak to you about what's happened and help you.

JanglyBeads · 26/05/2022 18:43

It is not wrong of anyone to chose not to tell anyone else, even their partner, about very difficult things that have happened to them in the past. It is their choice.

Do not waste any more time feeling bad that you haven't told this man about your past.

Instead work out how to leave him.

Original poster
HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 20:04

When he hasn't been drinking, he's fine and he's a good dad too

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 26/05/2022 20:09

Alcohol can't cause abuse/rape though, OP. People do not become different people, much as some like us to think that.

Original poster
HappyPhantom123 · 26/05/2022 20:11

He's not like that though....maybe I'm making him sound worse than he is. The main point of this post was the fact that he doesn't know these other things about me

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 26/05/2022 20:16

The thing is,whether he knows or not, he shouldn't be doing it.

I'm afraid your boundaries are a bit slack, perhaps due to your previous experience.

I'm worried that if you tell him that you don't want to have sex with him when he's drunk and you've said no, and you tell him you've been abused in the past, then he'll try and blame your past for your reluctance- which would not be right.

Please go to womens aid and discuss it with them. Explain the situation you are in, his current bad behaviour and your past history. Get some support.

They may well suggest you do the freedom course. You'd find it helpful.

Watchkeys · 26/05/2022 20:42

I suspect that the reason you can't share your innermost stuff with him is the same reason you don't want to have sex with him: you don't trust him. And that's the appropriate way to feel about someone who regularly crosses your most intimate of boundaries. The fact that you don't want to tell him shows that, even though you silence her, the boundaried you still has a voice and wants to be heard. Listen to her. She is your heart. She is the real you. Let her decide who to tell and who not to tell. Let her decide whether to give in to him.

Don't silence that voice inside any longer, that knows how wrong this all is. Let her speak, to a counsellor or a friend, or to someone from Women's Aid, or even just let her write down everything she feels until she has nothing left to write. The first person who needs to listen to her is you.

Who silenced her to start with? What happened when you were a kid to make you feel like something was more important than your feelings? Did the sexual abuse start then, when you weren't in a position to voice your feelings, so you learned to keep them quiet for your own good?

Original poster
HappyPhantom123 · 06/06/2022 00:25

I feel tense sleeping next to him and I always try not to move too much in bed whilst he's asleep, in case I wake him up and he wants sex. That's bad, isn't it 😕

OP posts:
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