That topic we love to hate....porn! (pls dont read infront of kids...wouldnt want to offend!)

[KazOne]

Hi there,
Not sure where to start really, but was wondering how people would feel about having an intelligent, and of course emotional discussion about porn, and how it make us partners/wives feel when we discover our dp/dhs looking at it! I know there has been alot of discussion about the subject in the past as I did a quick search, and I hope Im not going to come across annoying by bringing it up again! Im just interested to know how other women feel about the subject, both positive and negative, and would love to hear from the guys out there too. Im trying to understand why so many men feel compelled to spend hours looking at it, and hopefully then I might understand my dp and where he is coming from...should have re-phrased that last bit!

A few years ago when we first got access to the internet at home, my dp looked at a few free porn sites, and I must admit I was horrified at first, but also curious and thought that it would be wrong of me to criticise without having a look first! It was just pics of porn stars naked, and some pics of sex scenes, and he was only looking at it once a week when he was off work and I happened to be at work...so as much as it annoyed me I left it at that. I sortof thought fair enough, as this is probably the first access he has really had to porn, as weve never had sky or anything like that, and ive never found any porn vids or mags or anything around. But then we started to get dodgy pop ups and alot of viruses and he therefore stopped looking at it...although I dont think he ever knew that I knew, iykim.

That was 4 years ago. However, over the last 6 months I think he has become addicted to internet porn. We had a baby 5 months ago, so over the last year the poor man hasnt really had alot of sex, bless him! So when I discovered he was looking at it again, as much as it upset me, I didnt say anything because I do understand that he would have been frustrated at the occasional sex that he was getting. However, as tired as I am, my sex drive is returning, yet he is still looking at it. What upsets me so much is that its no longer just crappy porn sites filled with pics...instead its an account with Dailymotion which shows vids similar to how Youtube is run, and he has a 'playlist' with about a hundred vids of porn, and a couple hes listed as his favourites! The trouble that hes gone to! I cant help thinking that it is just so sad and pathetic! I just dont understand why men need to look at this rubbish...I mean it is comical stuff to watch! Are men so lazy that they cannot use their imagination, as women do?! Instead of fantasizing about the perfect body, they would rather watch various different slappers (sorry to offend anyone here!) with fake boobs and pug ugly faces (sorry again to offend!)...I just dont get it. Please men out there, explain to me, because I do genuinely want to understand!! Ofcourse I have had a look at these clips that he watches, and I must admit I was suprised at the tameness of it...it was mainly women stripping (which is something he was asked me to do but I wont because I would feel ridiculous!) and some lesbian scenes...nothing hardcore or full on sex. I know I should take comfort in that, but it makes me feel inadequate, and it really turns me off. It makes me not want to sleep with him if I am completely honest! Has anyone else felt like this? It does feel like a betrayal, because at the end of the day, we would not tolerate our dps going to strip clubs...so how is this any different? Please dont get me wrong I am not a prude...we have amazing sex (sorry if too much info!) when we do find the time...but now I feel like he would rather look at these clips than me! Hes started to look at it at every given opportunity...such as when Im putting the kids to bed, and that really p**ses me off! The whole thing just makes me feel ill.

Anyway...so that is where I am coming from! I would just like some feedback regarding how other feel, suppose I feel like Im overreacting alot! I hate the argument, all men do it...because I dont think thats an acceptable excuse. Yes I understand that men do need a visual stimulus to get off so to speak...but surely if the act of seeking that stimulus upsets partners and effects relationships and degrades women it cannot be okay? I did a Sexology module when I studied for my degree years back and we had to read a book on sexual fantasies...cant for the life of me remember what its called, but as soon as I do I will post the title! But basically its a series of books packed full of womens and one of mens, sexual fantasies...and I remember being sat in the lecture room and one lad syaing to another...'god that book is hot, better than porn!'. And I think that is the problem...the porn that men look at is insulting and degrading to women, it makes us look like pieces of meat who want to be shagged left right and centre, and Im sorry but that is not okay. In fantasies we play all the roles within it, which is why it is a turn on and 'safe' (for eg rape or bondage fantasties). I dont understand how men can find porn imagery more of a turn on than fantasizing, it just seems lazy to me...?

Not sure how Im going to proceed with my current problem...I do have a parental filter on the we browser which would certainly put at end to it, although part of me feels like he would be getting off lightly if I just prevented access! So I think I may have to bring up the subject, as I am getting somewhat fed up with pretending that nothing it bothering me all the time!

Please dont feel you need to comment on my situation if you dont want to...would just like to hear how others feel...and men too of course!!

Just realised how long my post was...I am sorry!

I personally have no issue with porn so long as it is not too hard core and here I have to be vague as to what I mean as am no expert but if it is just reasonably straight consenual sex, lesbianism and so basic S+M, then why not.. men are visual creatures, women as you say are more imaginative based.. but would you want your DH to limit you on your use of that?

I see it is only a problem if the partner feels neglected or insecure.. and then it leads to bigger issues that the actual porn..

I think men are lazy sex wise and porn just panders to that..

Yes men are more visual creatures as we know! But of course the use of your imagination cannot be limited, and your own imagination doesnt upset anyone else! I think thats the fundamental difference.

Definitely going to talk to dp tonight, as its become more than just something he does when bored etc. Im crap at confrontations and I think thats why Ive put it off for so long! Ive also not wanted to become the sort of person that tells their partner what to do all the time...he is his own person, and I suppose I just wanted him to have the brains to realise that it would upset me if I knew, and that its sad and pathetic anyway and to stop of his own accord....but it looks like thats never going to happen!

And why do they never clear the history in the first place?! He knows how to do it...is it one of those things where they really want to get caught?!

Kaz, I think it's a problem if it bothers YOU and if YOU feel that something is lacking because of it.

I think many men like instant gratification sexually and I guess he gets that from porn without having to actually do any 'work'.

It is a good plan to talk to him about your feelings, good luck.

Cheers! I would put up with it if it was only an occasional thing, but it is at every opportunity, more than once a day. I think hes just got caught up in it all. But what I also find hard to understand is that its not 'professional' porn iykim, its webcam stuff...I just dont see the attraction!

kaz, some people really like the more 'natural' porn. It makes them feel like a voyeur. It does sound like it has got out of hand though. I have head that it can be quite addictive.

For me it would only really be a problem if he would RATHER watch porn than have sex with me.

Also... you cannot see the attraction and cannot understand his attraction and I think you are projecting your feelings a little. From the sounds of it, it is fairly tame and not demeaning to women stuff if it is webcam porn. Must be made by people who want to do it. He is just playing out a fantasy he has which you don't feel comfortable expressing. Would you be willing to strip for him if that would make him stop? My suggestion would be to have long foreplay with clothes on and when you are really excited ..to strip for him then. It doesn't have to be like porn. Just look him in the eyes and slowely take your clothes off - normally. Sorry if TMI.

I would be worried about the amount of watching he does. It reminds me of what I read somewhere about monkeys masturbating. Apparently they would do it all the time when they are bored and do get addicted to it. As you will probably know the sex hormones are very powerful and can become addictive. Easy satisfaction like that with no need to consider a partner may therefore be an easy regular option.

I hope you can sort this out. Good luck.

I've been hearing a lot about this in the press recently. The media's all over it. Everyone is doing stories on it.

Apparently more and more men are becoming addicted to internet porn. Which begs the question - why? Is it that men would always have done this, but never before had such access, or is it something that has changed in men in recent years?

Men like porn because porn is willing, porn is friendly, porn never says "Fuck off you smelly bastard, you haven't had a shower for a week" or "For God's sake, leave me alone, I was up 7 times last night", porn girls (despite your repeated references to slappers) are young, slim, pretty and smiling, and they are being paid ... which releases men of the obligation to consider their feelings, consider their wishes and consider their needs...

And after having a baby, many men feel that they are having to be rather more considerate and caring than before, and the sex has dipped off, and men equate sex to love. He feels unloved, and Ho Ho, What's This? Pretty girls who do want to 'love' him, and what's more, they're not real so he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Preventing him accessing porn without being ready and willing to sustain a sexual relationship with your partner is unreasonable - is he supposed to become an asexual creature?

Is he spending a lot of money on this account he has set up with wall-to-wall 24/7 porn? With a young family and you with a 5 month old baby are probably a SAHM. You may be not wanting to see your money spent in too many obscure directions when it needs to be directed towards the needs of your family.

I do completely agree with all your comments, and I would love to be totally okay with the whole porn viewing thing...but I have to be honest with myself. I think if it was a means to end so to speak, and he was using it when he wasnt getting any from me for whatever reason (which is how I think this started) then so be it...but like alot of you have mentioned it has become an addiction. Im certainly not going to prevent access to it without talking to him first. The fact that hes been looking at this stuff so much has turned me off him...but i know that without the offer of it on a plate from me (so to speak!) then of course it would continue. But to be honest most of the time I feel like Ive got a rival! Its a viscous circle really, so we both really need to address the issue.
I also wondered whether alot of it has to do with the argument regarding the emasculation of men in current society? Its something a male friend of mine mentioned, that we no longer need men to 'hunt', and that in modern society male traits such as aggression and violence are not tolerated, men are becoming emasculated. Ofcourse a feminist would argue that weve lived in a patriarchal society for long enough, but Im not a feminist (in the extreme sense!) so wouldnt like to say it serves them right! Anyway...is this why porn is so attractive? It gives men dominance again, without as you say, the need for consideration of others?

but I got the impression from the OP, that what is upsetting her is that her dh is on it all the time, as soon as her back is turned, eg putting THEIR children to bed.

Must admit, that would annoy me a bit too.

It could be a phase that passes with time? I would probably try to sabotage it in some way, but not quite so obvious as shutting it down with the parental control.

Kaz, sorry posts crossed.
I dont think its because men are emasculated, as porn is just as popular in more traditional societies.

I must admit I so wanted to sabotage it Nightynight! Hes a bit uninventive with his passwords, and it was far too easy to get into it to have a look at what he was looking at! I just wanted to delete everything from his playlist! But I do think that would have been childish...although very enjoyable nonetheless! 6 months ago I had hoped it was just a phase, but now I think its more than that, and to be honest Ive had enough of trying to convince myself I dont mind about it! At first I thought it was my pregnancy hormones, and then my postnatal and sleep deprived self...but I cant keep talking myself out of mentioning it to him!

I'm just reading a book called 'Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet you', a true account of one man's year of addiction to internet porn, how astounded he was when he found there was so much of it, how excited it made him, how for months he was surfing all night long looking for it - progressing from mild stuff to more out of the way things. He's a candid, intelligent, very funny guy and does come to the conclusion that the internet has made porn very addictive to many 'normal' men, to whom it wouldn't have been much of an issue pre-net days - and he says, interestingly,that he doesn't think for him it was a 'good' thing, that men are in a way too susceptible to so much porn, so easy to get hold of, always there 24/7, and introducing him to things he found he was hugely aroused by which he would rather not have known he was.

Anyway it's there, and it's not going to go away, so how best to live with it... Kaz, I feel the way you do deep down. I couldn't understand why men would want to watch such crude and graphic stuff, not having any interest myself in watching other people have sex. But I have a dear male friend who loves it and is very open about his enjoyment of it, and while at first it did make me think less of him (this intelligent, funny man, filling up his hard drive with crude videos of ugly scenes of improbably hot women gagging for it) I've tried to change my thinking ...

For a start, I think men love and need the thought that women are as hot for sex as they are and these videos go some way to fulfilling that hope - the voracious, horny woman is often a feature of porn. I think it puzzles and even hurts men that many (not all, I know there are many women out there who do love sex and are always up for it - some on MN!) aren't so keen and 'up for it' as they are. I imagine they sometimes feel rejected and even made to feel ashamed of their own strong sex drive, when a woman with other things on her mind constantly pushes him away or jokes about preferring a good read and an early night. I'm not saying that's YOU, Kaz - just a general impression men get of the balance in general. If a woman exposes her body, a man gets a thrill and thinks 'how beautiful'; if a man flashes his cock, he can expect to get a reaction of disgust or laughter - I can see how that might hurt men and make them very eager to get affirmation from porn that women DO love his body and his sexual nature.

I now hide my knee-jerk distaste and laugh with him about it, even asking him to tell me why it makes him hot. I've found him (rather shyly at first) eager to share his thoughts, and in a way that's made me much more understanding, and even sympathetic, and feel loving and protective of him and his hopeful, very male, urges. He's NOT like me and doesn't think or react like me, and I'm not going to change him - and in a way I now don't want to. I'd still be happier really if porn vanished from the face of the earth, but it won't, and even if it did men would still be getting hot over visual stimulations that mystify me - my man can get hot over a cartoon, fgs! I caught him freezing the video where Jessica Rabbit flashes a bit of leg, I kid you not!

Anyway just to say I understand your feelings absolutely. Your DH sounds decent and entirely 'normal' and obviously getting yor own sex life back on track will help -my friend says that a real-life woman who shows she wants him is much more of a turn-on than any net images - but that's not to say he will ever stop enjoying them, it's a case of coming to terms with that difference between you and maybe trying to accept it.

Nightynight...Im one of those annoying people who feel guilty over everything and have far too much empathy etc...so when I first disovered what he was up to ofcourse I thought it was my fault, and also didnt want to embarrass him by bringing it up. I suppose I thought that the whole emasculation of men argument might also persuade me not to mention it...at it would suggest that its not his fault, in fact its society's and of course womens! I guess Im scared of asking him not to do something when he would be incapable of not doing it! Does that make sense? I know thats rubbish, and the very fact hes looking at this stuff, to me, seems so out of character!
I must go as my ds (3) is getting cross at me ignoring him!!!

I am a software engineer, so would be thinking along the lines of writing a small application to check at random intervals if YouTube or other favourite site was running, and if so, shut the browser down.
He would hopefully never figure out why....

Hi Oenophile...just read your post before I was gonna log out! That book does sound interesting! I suppose if I was at a different stage in my life and hadnt just had a second baby...I wouldnt be as bothered by it, or would feel I was able to try and come to terms with it. But ofcourse I dont feel the same way about my body now...Im not fat but Im a different shape than I was a year ago! Thats hard for me to come to terms with, and I of course I worry that it is for him too!
Oopss...baby's awake!

In my experience some men look at porn no matter how much sex they're getting, same goes for masturbation. I don't have an issue with it as men and women do see things in very different ways and that is just biology i'm afraid.

However, if it is having that much of a negative affect on your desire for him, it's something you are going to have to discuss with him to let him know how you feel.

We never mind journalists, only those who pretend not to be while digging at a subject close to people's hearts

oops, did that go on the wrong thread?

Its not just men who watch porn either - my friend watches it MORE than her DH, in fact she watches it every day.

I dont like it myself, DH watches it now and again (as in once a month) and has a stash of mags. I think most - if not all men look a porn in some way or another.

Did it, colditz?

You keep mentioning things like emasculation of men etc. In general there may be such a trend. But you are in a loving relationship where there are two partners who should respect each other's wishes. So in the same way that you should learn to respect his different attitude to sex and porn, he should respect the effect his participation in porn has on you. The only way out of this is to discuss it. You are probably doing more to emasculate him by denying him the natural opportunity to admire and love you as you are, than you would if you were to ask him to give up the porn. I know your body has changed. But it did not happen overnight and as someone has said... it is often more that you want him, than how you look which will turn him on.