Should I be worried about this?

[mrsbobbysue]

NC for this one. We've been married 14 years, met through work. Have 2 DS. DH is naturally a very likeable, charismatic & flirty person - he can be quite charming. We now work at separate companies.

I just found texts on his phone after one of his work nights out to a colleague who is about 15 years younger than us and his junior. Saying she looked gorgeous etc. and they should meet up for coffee. These were sent late at night when he was obviously drunk. He also sent her some more the day after, asking how she felt (whether she was hungover). Replies were mildly flirtatious/friendly back but he seemed more enthusiastic. The week after he sent her another text in the evening saying it was good to see her that day at work...

I recognise her name from a string of work emails that I saw on his laptop last week - obviously didn't pay much attention to them but now I'm worrying. I've seen a photo of her - she's in her twenties I think and very attractive. I think I'm going to address this with him as I don't want it to go any further, what do you think I should say?? Or am i overreacting?? We've generally had a very good marriage I think.

I know I shouldn't be looking at his phone but I opened his messages to check the date of an appointment, only to see those.

It does sound like he's plotting something and she may or may not be open to this (clearly not appropriate from a work point of view either)
What are your boundaries?
Other people can tell you what their boundaries are but they may be wildly different from yours.
Would you trust his word if he says its just banter?
Would you believe nothing else has/would happen?
Will you be questioning every time he's late/going out for work drinks/training?
We don't know your husband or your marriage in general. Have there been any other signs?
I hope you get some clarity but be prepared for him to tell lies/blame you if he's playing away #thescript.

Sounds like he's testing the waters;what a sleaze.

@Neverendingmindfuck thanks for your reply. He is generally quite flirty but it's usually harmless. I just see it as part of his personality. I've never found messages like this before - but I've never checked before!! I've recently been seeing some signs of a mid life crisis though... suddenly talking about travelling the world on a motorbike etc... And we all know what usually comes hand in hand with a mid life crisis. I'd really find it hard to believe that he would actually be unfaithful to me. I think it's probably just a temptation situation- but I want to nip it in the bud.

He's trying to cheat. This isn't just flirting because of his personality, this is him actively pursuing another woman.

What do you want to do next?
For some doing nothing and not rocking the boat suits, if your marriage is generally ok and you think you can ignore the flirting and the urge to check again.
Do you think you can trust him not to rip your world apart?

Complimenting a person of the opposite gender is ok if done respectfully. There should be no hint of flirting and if the person knows it may make their partner feel uncomfortable, then it would be best to refrain from complimenting another.
He doesn't need to compliment her on her physical appearance, does he.

Combine that with then suggesting they meet for coffee?! He's chatting her up.

Fine if you're in an open relationship. But you're not in an open relationship are you. He is your husband, you except him to be faithful to you, he should put your happiness and the happiness of you children first at all times.

He's slipping on his responsibilities. That's a slippery scale for some men. If you don't speak up now, he may escalate his activities. He's putting himself - his ego - first.

If you mention your concerns he will undoubtedly minimise, say there's nothing going on, rhetorically ask you 'what, so I can't even compliment people now?!', make you feel like you're a nag, etc.

Be prepared for this and just continue to remind him of his responsibilities to you and his family, and point out the consequences to him should he choose to continue to act in this (very man-childish) manner.

Please don’t dress this up as ‘flirty’ or a midlife crisis. It’s wholly inappropriate, both for his marriage and workplace, and he is setting up to cheat on you, he is already emotionally cheating on you. Have nothing but the highest standards for yourself.

I presume that you know that he's flirtatious because he's behaved like this in front of you. Don't assume that his flirtatiousness is an innocent trait of personality. I think it's a sign that the person is quite predatory and if he's been flirting in front of you then this is disrespectful. Speaking from experience. Also, what a stereotype of a middle aged man, fawning about over a young woman. Bleugh. Find your anger OP.

I think if it were me I wouldn't be able to not say something. I suspect a sensible approach would be to set aside an evening to talk through thoroughly what is happening and, more importantly, why. I guess what would happen is that he will say he feels a bit unloved and like he wants some attention and try to shift at least some of the blame to you. I think you need to discuss trust and whether you both equally want the marriage to work. Be prepared for some non committal answers. I would be very clear that you have no intention of sitting by why he flirts with other women. The decisions around both of your futures belong to you as much as him.

Thank you all. We are most definitely not in an open relationship. It does sound like he is testing the waters, which hurts. It's disrespectful to myself and our sons.

I am going to have a serious conversation with him about this. The middle aged man & young woman cliche is really unoriginal... I think I'm more shocked than angry at the mo but the more I think about it, the more annoyed I become.

Set your own 'shoulds'. If you 'should' be worried or not is something you decide, according to your boundaries. Nobody can tell you what's right or wrong on this score. Some people would worry, some wouldn't.

If you're posting, though, I think you need to accept what's happening inside you. Validate your own feelings: someone who wasn't worried wouldn't have written your post.

So the real question isn't 'Should I be worried', it's 'I'm worried, how do I want to move forward?'

I think the best path would be to prepare him for a chat, and then calmly tell him what you know, and what you need/want. It's up to him from there on in; let him get on with being himself, and see how he responds to your needs/wants. His response will tell you everything you need to know.