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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this still abuse?

11 replies

Twillow · 25/05/2022 23:51

Left exH because of abusive behaviour - verbal, physical, sulking, controlling. Always feeling hard done by and that everyone is doing him wrong. Took me a long time to find the courage to leave with our child, who has maintained some regular contact.
Recently, he has decided he wants care to be 50:50. And therefore not pay child maintenance.

His reasoning is that he can't afford his mortgage. He chose not to sell the family home and to continue living there.
He feels that the divorce settlement was unfair to him and that I should not have accepted the judge's recommendation but asked to receive less (was basically 50:50) as he brought more into our long marriage.
My issue is, is this a hill to die on? He has persuaded our child that he is struggling and that I am being unfair. We have tried to have a discussion (by email) about it, but it just ends up with him throwing insults and refusing to provide any clear information on his own finances.
Financially, it would probably not make that much difference between recieving child maintenance and splitting all costs 50:50. The reason I feel disinclined to do this is his overt, and in my opinion unjustified, financial resentment towards me. In the past, he has always declined to contribute towards out-of-the-ordinary expenses such as school trips. His income is probably 3 times my own. I hate the idea of having to increase any contact with him in order to negotiate and liaise about expenses. Am I morally or legally entitled to refuse what he is asking?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/05/2022 23:53

It would definitely be the hill that I would die on. The only reason he wants your child living with him is so that he doesn't have to pay as much money. That's disgraceful.

Zerrin13 · 26/05/2022 00:09

Suggest he sells up and buys a cheaper place

frozendaisy · 26/05/2022 01:15

Did you clean and maintain the house when together? Contributions are not just financial in an upkeep of the property.

If you are ok with the legal position decided tell him you will stick to what was decided or he can take you back to court. And 50/50 means just that 50% of off sick days, school pick up and drop offs 50% holidays. Not just overnight will drop on way to work in the mornings.

It might mean you can progress in your job equally. But 50/50 means 50/50 of everything if the courts decide.

Keep it blunt and legal.

Twillow · 26/05/2022 09:06

@HollowTalk I believe it's financial yes. Backed up with a simmering resentment about me somehow causing his problems - despite the fact we lived a nightmare with him. But I can't see that he would gain anything by splitting costs rather than pay CM. I don't care about him doing 50:50, I know he won't manage it and I do all the day-to-day running about even on his nights! I just feel if I agree to this, to keep the peace as it were, I would be subjecting myself to more abuse by having to communicate with him more frequently.

OP posts:
Twillow · 26/05/2022 09:09

Zerrin13 · 26/05/2022 00:09

Suggest he sells up and buys a cheaper place

That would go down well! He has a big chip on his shoulders about poor background/achievement. So he blames me even though we are where we are through his actions.

OP posts:
Twillow · 26/05/2022 09:15

@frozendaisy Yes that was the judge's position - and that everything financial becomes 'mingled' in a long marriage. Yes I did the lion's share of all the domestic work and childcare - not to mention helping him out with his work.
There is no formal custody, however, so every time he appeals to Child Maintenance Service (this is probably the 5th time now) their response has been that there is no change to an order, and I don't agree to the change he wants, so things will remain as is.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 26/05/2022 14:06

Just say no thanks, I'm happy with the way things are. He's just trying to skank you even further than he already is doing

SandyY2K · 26/05/2022 14:12

No. Don't agree to it, because you'd end up paying all those other expenses, because he'd be a nightmare to deal with.

If he wants 50/50, he can go to court. I doubt the judge would look favourably on him crying poor to your son.

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/05/2022 14:22

How old is your child? Depending on age they can decide where they want to spend most of their time. But aside from that I would definitely fight this - it's not a good reason to want to see more of your child just to avoid paying maintenance. What a twat.

Twillow · 26/05/2022 17:55

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/05/2022 14:22

How old is your child? Depending on age they can decide where they want to spend most of their time. But aside from that I would definitely fight this - it's not a good reason to want to see more of your child just to avoid paying maintenance. What a twat.

Old enough to choose. But being manipulated by exH. Says 'It's fair that you pay half each isn't it? Because dad can't pay his mortgage.' So I'm being made to look like the bad guy here. Despite his income and living in a 5 bed house on his own...🙄

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 26/05/2022 19:10

Have been there OP, with ex manipulating our daughter. Your child will see him for what he is at some stage - mine did. Teens aren't daft.

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