Hi guys
I have a very turbulent, longer love story behind me, which began in 2020 and still causes me enormous grief after the final separation until today. I would be happy if they one or the other takes time briefly to read the story. I think all day only about this separation and I am hardly capable of performance.
The back story: I am now 27 years old, I was until I was 25 years never in love and never had a girlfriend. Sexual experiences I have had, but also very little. Well, in the summer of 2020 I met a woman in whom I quickly fell in love and she also fell in love with me. The problem was that I should start in the fall then a year abroad and she also lived abroad. However, we were from the same city. The feelings came strongly from her at first (she said that she hadn't had so many feelings for one person in ages), but I quickly realized that we had a lot in common. We spent two wonderful summer months and spent a lot of intimate time. It was unclear at first how we would remain when we both went abroad. I said, despite the great feelings, that we might never see each other again. She said that I would break her heart and that she really wanted to keep in touch and that she also wanted me to visit her abroad. Since I had never had such feelings before, I agreed that we should keep in touch. However, she revealed to me early on then that she had strong fears of loss and commitment. On the one hand, she said she was not interested in a relationship, but on the other hand, she brought up the subject of a relationship herself first.
Well, when we arrived abroad, we had daily contact for the first week. We also talked on the phone more often, but basically from week two on, we quickly noticed that she wanted much less contact. I also adapted very quickly and at some point we wrote only 1x a week to no longer. I confronted her then sometime in a conversation about 2 months after the departure abroad what is now thing and she revealed to me that she has no more feelings. I accepted it and we broke off the contact. At that time, I was completely taken by it because I had never had a girlfriend before and saw the chance with her for the first time. Professionally, it was very likely that we would both end up back in our hometown after our time abroad. I was especially disappointed because she pushed very hard to keep contact and then basically broke it off after 1-2 weeks already. Nevertheless, I was aware that it would have been difficult anyway because of the different living situation. But since I had never had such feelings before, I fell into a depression at that time and was afraid to never find something like that again. I treated the depression and at some point I felt better. So much for the back story.
Relationship/Return: After we had no contact for 9 months, she came back to Germany in July 2021. I was close friends with her best friend so I found out early. I know she wasted absolutely no thought on starting a relationship with me. Well, she came back and the first day we went out with friends, her feelings came back. We spent the whole evening together, a week later we had a date and 3-4 weeks later she asked me to be her boyfriend. It all happened very quickly. I could hardly process the rejection from 2020. What united us was a lot at first: both very emotional, we love being around people and doing things, both want kids/family, have the same sense of humor, and more. The first month of the relationship was wonderful, we spent a lot of time together, had sex regularly and were completely in love. The first big point of contention came when she revealed that she would like to have an open relationship in the future and considers monogamy to be nonsense in the long run. For me it was kind of a shock, because I don't think that much of it, on the other hand she said it would only be an issue in 2-3 years and I couldn't quite imagine sleeping with only one woman for the rest of my life. Nevertheless, this already revealed a decisive difference in value.
In the 2nd month of the relationship she started her new job as a banker where she worked 70+ hours. From then on the problems already started. Due to the job, the time of course became much less, the sex life fell asleep more and she was permanently tired. In the beginning I supported her enormously and did not have such a big problem. Much worse were the fears of commitment, which suddenly came out really strongly. As a result, she behaved more and more distant, was funny when we were away together with friends and wanted more and more distance. What united us was that we both liked to do a lot and we had so many plans together. It quickly became clear that she wanted to do more and more alone with her friends. With her friends or work colleagues she often went out drinking until late at night, while when we did something she was always tired and didn't feel like it anymore. From then on we argued regularly and she sometimes started fights out of nowhere. Basically I got more and more the feeling that the relationship became one-sided and I gave much more than I got back. She then also revealed to me that actually only 1x a week sex was enough for her, which was a shock for me, since I already had a high sex drive. In addition, she had over 20 sexual partners, numerous ONS and talked with friends very openly about this topic. I then also began to have exaggerated jealousy problems, since she is also still quite close friends with former ONS, her circle of friends regularly talked only about former ONS stories and at the same time with us in bed little went. However, she was satisfied with the sex and also promised me that we want to live out a lot of new things together. Because I am sexually very very experiementierfreudig and she has not yet experienced so much. Overall, we had on average so 2x sex a week, when she worked less also times 3x. Very often when she was asleep on the weekend she had no desire or just fell asleep after she came. Somehow she just did not manage to open up, I felt less and less secure and also my parents could never meet her because of the work and the fears. I already had regular separation thoughts after the 2nd/3rd month of the relationship. We then also had several very big crisis talks in the 4th month. I basically broke up with her in this conversation, but she cried and really wanted another chance. In In retrospect, I think it was somewhat toxic of me, as this reinforced her fears of commitment. It then got better for a short time.
We had really many joint ventures on the weekend and she also introduced me to some of her school friends.She slowly started to open up and we also had a lot less arguments and she wanted to finally see my parents. After we experienced our first city trip together over a weekend, arguments started again. After initiating sex, she broke off and started crying. This happened 1-2 times before during the relationship. She thinks she feels used quickly during sex and needs trust for that. I just felt bad and had more and more problems to touch her at all and that although I had to be confronted with her sex stories all the time. I finally broke up with her 5 days later. The main reasons were her many jobs, commitment issues and sex life. We were together for a total of only 7 months.
Two months later, I still often regret the breakup. The work would have also tended to decrease in 1-2 years and with more patience, the commitment anxiety as well as the sex life would have improved as a result. My main problem is that she is extremely(!) contradictory and constantly fluctuates between closeness and distance. She promises a lot and wants to experience a lot with me, but then suffers from the pressure and expectations she has created herself. I feel like I actually wanted the relationship more, but still broke up with her. On a personal level, there were just so incredibly many points where we were a good fit, but because of her fears and my insecurities as well as past history, the relationship just became exhausting. I'm afraid that I had too utopian ideas of a relationship in general because it was my first one. I miss you a lot, but then after the breakup some things happened, which is why getting together becomes very difficult. She had a ONS just 4 days after our break up and another guy slept at her place 7 days after we broke up without having sex though. This just made me sick. I just can't let go. actually I should explain more, but that was the most important thing for now. I don't understand why the heartbreak is still there even though I broke up with her