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Original poster

Don't think it will ever be more than besties

19 replies

isobel79 · 25/05/2022 20:48

Good evening all,

My emotions are running riot.

I've known this guy who I now refer to my bestie since 2018. We met online although I'd pretty much seen him everyday as we lived in the same Borough, virtually round the corner from each other.

At first I didn't find myself attracted to him but as months went on I was attracted to his character, his personality, his wit, and then to him!!

We have always joked about and in some cases have been quite serious. He's always said he's not ready for a relationship whereas I've made it clear that I want him.

Anyway, we've remained friends. I've dated since and I've always been honest with him about that even more recently when I ended my last relationship.

Thing is now my feelings for him are just consuming me. We have in the last month slept together twice but I know in my heart of hearts it's not gona be a relationship! He tells me he fancies me and that "he doesn't think he is good enough for me" (apparently before we knew each other and he used to see me around he was too afraid to approach me - but four years on he knows that I am not that person he thinks I am).

I just wondered if anyone has had a similar situation. I really really really have some awkward feelings for him but I know he doesn't or tells me he doesn't want anything more. I feel like we should just distance ourselves from each other.

Anu honest advice? Be as kind (or unkind) as you like. Any gentlemen who read this advice gratefully received.

Thanks

OP posts:
Ecclesfreckles · 25/05/2022 20:57

Distance.

He isn't your friend. Friends don't sleep with someone they know has feelings for them. He's selfish and not ready for a relationship- and even if he was, it wouldn't be with you. I'm sorry to say that but if in all these years, it hasn't happened, it won't now.

You will never move on or have a healthy relationship while you build a fantasy around him.

Love isn't this hard. When it's the right relationship, you just be together, without all the drama.

Honeyroar · 25/05/2022 21:00

I agree - he’s not into you enough to want a relationship and he’s not your friend because he knows he’s going to hurt you, yet he’s still sleeping with you. You need to shut the door on this☹️

Original poster
isobel79 · 25/05/2022 21:04

I think this is what I need to hear because my emotions are all over the place.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:18

So he's married.

Two people, one who definitely wants a relationship and the other who fancies the pants off the other, even declaring the other is too attractive for them.

Both single, going home of an evening to be lonely and only meeting occasionally.

What is the reason this has not gone further into a relationship I wonder.

Original poster
isobel79 · 25/05/2022 21:24

Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:18

So he's married.

Two people, one who definitely wants a relationship and the other who fancies the pants off the other, even declaring the other is too attractive for them.

Both single, going home of an evening to be lonely and only meeting occasionally.

What is the reason this has not gone further into a relationship I wonder.

No he isn't married and neither am I!

OP posts:
WarOnSlugs · 25/05/2022 21:26

If he wanted it to happen it would have OP. Sorry. Sad You need to move on.

Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:33

Have you asked him why he does not want it to progress further.

Maybe that would give you the incentive to close this down and actively put your efforts into reciprocal love.

Original poster
isobel79 · 25/05/2022 21:37

Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:33

Have you asked him why he does not want it to progress further.

Maybe that would give you the incentive to close this down and actively put your efforts into reciprocal love.

It's always been he's not in the right mindset and couldn't give me what I want. But then he feeds me with all this "I fancy you and you give me butterflies etc etc."

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:45

Then you are only hurting yourself.

He has promised nothing and you are falling in love with him by the sounds of it.

There are many men out there, ones who will be honest, respectful, and loving, have a look, instead of analysing why he does not want a relationship.

Justcallmebebes · 25/05/2022 21:49

How old is he OP? Has he ever had a long term relationship/marriage or is he pretty young?

Original poster
isobel79 · 25/05/2022 21:55

Justcallmebebes · 25/05/2022 21:49

How old is he OP? Has he ever had a long term relationship/marriage or is he pretty young?

Early forties

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 25/05/2022 21:56

Onthedunes · 25/05/2022 21:45

Then you are only hurting yourself.

He has promised nothing and you are falling in love with him by the sounds of it.

There are many men out there, ones who will be honest, respectful, and loving, have a look, instead of analysing why he does not want a relationship.

I thibk I'm going to have to tell him that I can't see him for a while at least until I can shift how I feel

OP posts:
Lifegoalsneeded · 26/05/2022 08:43

@isobel79 been there recently. We met online and dated exclusively for 7 months few years back - let’s call him guy A. We never labelled the relationship as he said he had been hurt before and wanted to take things slowly. I was always anxious if he liked me. He was selfish with his time but we got on really well and sex was great.

pandemic hit and we didn’t last the first week. First year of lockdown we stayed in touch and met occasionally. Both dated others but I couldn’t commit to other guys I still liked the first guy.

start of lockdown 2021 he had a life event which badly affected his mental health. He just turned up at my door. I supported him for a year becoming best friends as we got to know each other. My feelings became stronger. He started to date late 2021 and I hated it. I dated too, but my heart was not in it. Tried to distance myself, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him as something held me back.

few months ago we got really drunk and had an honest conversation. Turns out we fancied each other over the years and at times wanted to date again and felt we gel as a couple, but something always held us back.

I had met someone I liked. Guy A told me to go for it with the other guy. Guy A said he liked me and would like to try a relationship loved me but loved our friendship more. He said he wanted to ask me out but something held him back too.

we decided to let go of feelings and just be good friends. Deep down I knew his like for drama and lack of responsibility was always there and he was a mood hoover, also so anxious about our relationship it essentially healthy. He knew I wouid annoy him as I am driven and he is jealous of the way I live my life sensibly - have a good job, house and an adult life.

glad we had closure. I am now with a great guy and this relationship is easy - no drama or anxiety if he likes me. Guy A and me still good friends, if not stronger friends as no pressure.

I think our feelings was exposure as we always were together and single. On paper we worked, in reality we didn’t.

Loopytiles · 26/05/2022 08:48

Not your ‘bestie’ or even a friend. From early on you were romantically interested: he doesn’t want a relationship with you. You’ve chosen to put yourself through several years of angst!

Cut contact right down and focus on actual friends / dating.

SpeedReader · 26/05/2022 09:18

I'm sure he likes you, but to me it sounds like he either (1) doesn't want a relationship at all, but enjoys having a relationship-like friendship with someone who doesn't require much of him, or (2) does want a relationship, just not with you, but still enjoys having a relationship-like friendship with someone that doesn't require much of him.

The risk with (1) is that it goes on forever and your end up perplexed and dissatisfied. The risk with (2) is that in addition to being dissatisfied, your friendship will be surplus to requirements when he finally meets his special lady.

Either way, if you want to be in a relationship, he's not offering that. The reasons don't really matter. And don't get confused by comments about how he fancies you but doesn't think he's good enough - this is either a lie, or even if it's true, is something he needs to figure out himself.

Look after yourself. Give him some distance - perhaps even no contact - until you can approach the friendship truly as a friend, with no expectations or agendas. And if you decide it's better to let things go and not even try to be friends, that's ok too - maybe it's just too fraught for the two of you to navigate.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 26/05/2022 09:45

Sounds like he just wants a FWB, which would be fine if you wanted that too. Clearly you want an actual relationship, but you’re not going to get that with him and you’re only wasting your time and hurting yourself by hoping he will change his mind. He wont. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, you’d be in it by now. It’s not going to happen.

Original poster
isobel79 · 26/05/2022 09:59

Lifegoalsneeded · 26/05/2022 08:43

@isobel79 been there recently. We met online and dated exclusively for 7 months few years back - let’s call him guy A. We never labelled the relationship as he said he had been hurt before and wanted to take things slowly. I was always anxious if he liked me. He was selfish with his time but we got on really well and sex was great.

pandemic hit and we didn’t last the first week. First year of lockdown we stayed in touch and met occasionally. Both dated others but I couldn’t commit to other guys I still liked the first guy.

start of lockdown 2021 he had a life event which badly affected his mental health. He just turned up at my door. I supported him for a year becoming best friends as we got to know each other. My feelings became stronger. He started to date late 2021 and I hated it. I dated too, but my heart was not in it. Tried to distance myself, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him as something held me back.

few months ago we got really drunk and had an honest conversation. Turns out we fancied each other over the years and at times wanted to date again and felt we gel as a couple, but something always held us back.

I had met someone I liked. Guy A told me to go for it with the other guy. Guy A said he liked me and would like to try a relationship loved me but loved our friendship more. He said he wanted to ask me out but something held him back too.

we decided to let go of feelings and just be good friends. Deep down I knew his like for drama and lack of responsibility was always there and he was a mood hoover, also so anxious about our relationship it essentially healthy. He knew I wouid annoy him as I am driven and he is jealous of the way I live my life sensibly - have a good job, house and an adult life.

glad we had closure. I am now with a great guy and this relationship is easy - no drama or anxiety if he likes me. Guy A and me still good friends, if not stronger friends as no pressure.

I think our feelings was exposure as we always were together and single. On paper we worked, in reality we didn’t.

Thanks for this. We have been corresponding this morning. He fears that I just want him around as a someone there kinda thing but four years on..... Gosh he must know by now!!!! I think for my peace of mind I need to let go.

Sounds like everything worked for you which is lovely. I hope that happens for me in the not too distant future.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 26/05/2022 10:22

In my experience, all the "you're too good for me" etc etc all actually translates to "I don't want to have to commit to being there supporting you if times get less than easy and rosy".

At the moment, he can choose to support you or not as the mood takes him, whereas if you were dating there might be an expectation of "I know you wanted to go to this football match but I need you to pick me up from hospital".

Lifegoalsneeded · 26/05/2022 12:45

@isobel79 me and guy A had what felt like a relationship without intimacy. We both prioritised each other over budding relationships. Did everything together. I was waking up in the night thinking about telling him how I felt. He was doing the same. For some reason we didn’t say.

Before his life event we did hook up and went back to being lose friends. Which I think is what confused our feelings. After his life event I became his rock. I wanted to walk away, but couldn’t. That changed us and flipped boundaries. We had the close relationship we wanted but no sex. He has no idea why he turned up at my house that day, as even though we dated, we were not close. He said he felt drawn to me and glad he did as he was in a bad way.

glad we didn’t now and had that massive blow up. It was like years of hurt and niceness said in a few hours. I think if we did have sex or start a relationship it wouldn’t of ended well.

few months after the chat. We still text daily and meet up regularly and is my best friend. It’s a much nicer relationship as he is his true self and I sleep a full night.

He has a partner and I can see he is doing to her what he did to me. Selfish and guarded - I really don’t think he can be in an equal relationship with no drama. My relationship with my partner is easy and nice , as it should be.

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