AAaaargh, I don't know what I'm doing. 3rd date onwards tips please?

[airrights]

I've been single for 12 years, with the odd date on and off. A couple of weeks ago I matched with this really nice guy and we've had 3 dates.

When I say single, I mean single... no holding hands, nothing. I am so out of my depth it's untrue. I've never even been to a man's house before (and how stupid does that sound).

I'm just trying to take each date as it comes, but I'm worried now about doing and saying something wrong.

When do you tell other people? e.g. colleagues when they ask what are you doing at the weekend. I don't want to tell them about him because I wouldn't want to discuss it ending with them.

When do I tell him about how inexperienced I am? I just don't know all these things.

To be honest, I think you are over thinking a bit, which is understandable given you being single for 12 years. 3rd date, just enjoy it! Don't extend the intimacy any furher than you are comfortable with and you do not have to justify why this is to anyone. Things will progress naturally if it feels right. Just go at you own pace.

If you don't feel comfortable telling people you are dating, don't! Not ready to go back to his-don't go. If he is a nice guy and deserves you he will absolutely not push for anything you are not comfortable with.

Agree with the above. I was also single for a long time and was nervous about telling people, especially colleagues. When I got together with current DH I didn't mention anything until we were pretty solid. Then I just gradually started to talk about 'we' not 'I' and mention him by name as if he'd always been there. E.g. "what are you doing this weekend?" "Oh we're just going to visit (BF)'s parents." Most people just assumed they'd missed the memo and there was no big 'announcement'.

I am overthinking and second guessing. I don't really know what I'm comfortable with and what I'm just slightly nervous about and where it's worth pushing through with that.

Its natural to feel a bit nervous, but just trust how you feel "in the moment" and have the confidence to stick to it. Its also natural to over anaylse a bit in the early days of dating. As you get to know each other better, you will feel less nervous and more confortable in becoming closer.

As 3ormore said, it just develops gradually

I don’t tell anyone that I’m dating/who I’m dating, I tell people I’m going out with friends at the weekend, no one ever questions it, it’s no one’s business.

I find dating hard, not knowing when to progress from ‘going out for a coffee and a walk’ to something more relationshipy 😬. I think it’s best to just relax and go with the flow.

You know in the moment when you're uncomfortable with something. You don't have to be prepared in advance; in fact, you can't be, because you can't foresee all potential outcomes.

All you need to be sure of is that you are capable of and comfortable with saying no. To anything. 'No I don't want to go to that restaurant', 'No, I don't want to talk about that', 'No, I don't want physical contact' etc. No, on all levels, is yours, and it means that you can't be pushed anywhere you don't want to go. So, you're safe. So, there's no need to be anxious. You've got your back.

I just don't know all these things

There's nothing to know. There's no external governing body whose rules you're meant to be minding. The rules are your rules, and any potential partner has to be in agreement with them. If you find yourself in a situation where someone wants you to do/say/feel something that doesn't fit in with your rules for how you want your relationship to be, then that's incompatibility. That's where you use your 'no', and you need to find someone you rarely have to use it with, because that signifies natural compatibility.

Relax. You are the one who makes the rules about how your dates go. You're in charge of what you want and like and will persist with or leave behind.

It's not about whether you do it right. It's about whether your dates do it right for you.

I have had some therapy and she was very much of the 'trust yourself' line, but for me, that isn't good advice- if I only did what I felt 100% comfortable with, I'd never leave the house.

I am fine being single, but I'm lonely too. I've only a few years to go to have kids of my own. Even if this doesn't work out, I want to see it as building my confidence and expanding my horizons.

Soooo I need to give this a good go, but I don't know what a good go looks like if that makes sense?

I need to give this a good go, but I don't know what a good go looks like if that makes sense

Why do you 'need' to? There are other ways of having kids, there are other ways of increasing your confidence, there are other ways of not being lonely.

The best way to increase your confidence is to develop confidence in your ability to not make yourself uncomfortable. The best way to cure loneliness is to eternally be on your own side, and have respect for your feelings, rather than trying to squash them.

I had bad relationships until I learned to respect myself, you've had none, but probably for a similar reason. Your feelings are all you have that matters. If you're not respecting them, who will?

I'd wait a bit longer before dating. Wait until you've got your head sorted out. Wait until you've got your loneliness sorted out. Sort you out before trying to get someone else on board with you.

Well, because I want to. I like this man's character and his energy.

I've waited 12 years. I've sorted myself out as much as I can alone, and now I need to try dating/ relationships. Your line of thinking really doesn't work for me.

Speaking as a guy ( for reference ) just be honest with him.
Don't push yourself beyond your comfort level. That means you hold hands when you're ready.
I always have asked to hold hands out of respect, it's not a guys place to grab someone else's hands.
Equally that also means that if nothing has developed then you ask when you feel ready.
Don't be pressurised into any intimacy until your ready.
If he's a decent bloke he will understand.
Just enjoy the experience. The start of something new is always nerve racking and exciting in equal measures.

It's a 3rd date. Chill. Out.

If the 'respect your feelings' line of thinking doesn't work for you, there's no wonder you're feeling nervous. Best of luck.