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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he so abusive

28 replies

Ambxr · 25/05/2022 15:57

Hi guys,

Can I just start of by saying please don’t say mean stuff. I’m here to get things of my chest as I have no one to speak to, I’m already alone and vulnerable.

So I’ve been with my partner for almost 2 years. I got pregnant last year after thinking I was infertile for 10 years, I’m currently 8 months pregnant with a lot of health conditions and in severe agony from the health conditions which really restrict my movement and stuff.

My partner started off as a great guy. So loving, caring, he did whatever. We had laughs and jokes and it was just the best relationship I’d had. We moved in together and we were literally best friends. I then started to feel insecure because he would speak to females that were more than just friendly and when I would confront it he would make me feel like I’m delusional so I never would get anywhere with it.

I had a lot of trouble from his ex who he has 2 children with, in which she abused me of fake accounts day in and day out for months on end. He began saying to me, I should have known it was going to be like that and I should suck it up, it’s normal. Just small things like this began to break me, I started to lose myself a bit. But with nowhere to go and no one to turn to or speak to as I was isolated at this point, we had moved to a diff city I stayed. I got pregnant and we had a miscarriage, through the miscarriage he was great support and it brought us closer again. We then got pregnant not long after again, which is the baby I’m currently 8 months gone by with. When I first found out I was pregnant again and I announced it to him and he was so excited and the following day I told a colleague/friend and he got angry because I had ruined the specialness. Small things like this got more and more consistent.. Then we broke up for 2 weeks in November last year, I was back at my moms and heartbroken and pregnant. I was completely ignoring any contact with him and eventually decided to speak again, he lured me back in with promises of changes etc and like a fool I went back, because I wanted my baby to have a family. From December into January I found messages and conversations on his phone with other girls, extremely flirtatious ones and these girls bad mouthing me, some of these girls were the ones he told me were just friends and I was being delusional over. Again he talked his way out of it, staying with him literally has made me a whole new person, I’m the most unhappiest I’ve ever been but I feel so helpless.

Since Jan things have happened and there has been a lot of arguments. But he ended it with me a few weeks ago, having no one I went back to my moms again, as during our relationship I had no friends and wasn’t seeing friends and was only around his I decided to go to a sit down brunch with his best friend and her friends. Due to the fear he struck in me and the paranoia I have of accusations from him constantly even when we are over I turned my location on (as that’s how it was whilst we were in a relationship) just so he isn’t able to accuse me of doing other things as he does he hated the fact that I went out with his friend for brunch, he phoned me and my mom and his friend caused a massive scene which led me to leave the brunch after an hour and go home. Bearing in mind I’m 7 months pregnant at this point and already just so depressed. I just needed to get out the house as I hadn’t been anywhere and had no one except them and since then has been so abusive. His become a whole different person, he puts me down every other hour of the day because he says he feels disrespected that I went and did that so he will disrespect me, he calls me names and treats me like absolute crap. I’m now 8 months pregnant and suffering with several problems and he doesn’t care, I literally have to slave around the house and have to do anything on his demand and if it is not done instantly he will fight, put me down, tell me I’m not good enough and sit there for hours belittling me and telling me how I am good for nothing and every name under the sun. I’m so on edge, I’m so scared to do anything. Even if I sit for 5 mins he’ll tell me to go do something and I’ll have to or he’ll fight. I have to do everything down to brushing his hair and if it’s not done right away he will have a go. I have to get him a drink on demand, I have to order anything he wants on demand, he will give me 10 duties to do within an hour back to back and if I don’t get them done it’s always a fight and belittling. I can’t argue back as he gets even more nasty than what he already is, even when I’m next to him in obvious pain he will demand me to do things. Even if I’m working (work from home) I will have to cater to his needs as he says he comes before anything. I’m just so tired, I can’t even get a lie down without him fighting about me not having done something he asked. His a Muslim so is now making me dress conservatively and he also says as my surname is English it doesn’t work for him so I have to change it to his even if his not marrying me. He said he will stop disrespecting me and treating me like shit if I give him 10k or hand over all parental rights to him for my unborn baby. I need to get out and I hate him but I don’t know how, he made me lose my mind at one point he locked the room door and I threatened to kill myself as he was just tormenting me, he recorded this and holds it against me. I wasn’t really going to do this, I’m just so broken I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go live in bedsits and run down flats with my baby by reporting myself homeless but I also know I need to get away from him but his going to come for me and my baby and please don’t say go to the police, he is the most manipulative and psychotic person I have come across. I just needed to get this off my chest as I have no one to speak too.

OP posts:
RoonilWazlibb · 25/05/2022 16:04

Can you not go back to your mum's?

Shoxfordian · 25/05/2022 16:07

Call the police and womens aid, go to your Mum- do whatever you can to leave this abusive man

Sova · 25/05/2022 16:12

Please ring your midwife and your mum and read this aloud to them

frozendaisy · 25/05/2022 16:12

Go back to your mum's

frozendaisy · 25/05/2022 16:12

And never ever ever go back to him

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 16:13

Sorry I skim read some of that but didn't like to skim and run.

Defo go back to your mums if its an option. The police are used to dealing with manipulators and abusers. As are the courts.

He is abusive because he is an abuser. He doesn't have basic human empathy like the rest of us.

But no one is going to save you unless you fight to save yourself.

Get as far away from him as fast as possible. Ideally somewhere he can't find u. I'd literally move across the country and change my name tbh. Don't tell anyone who might relay information to him. Borrow money from a relative to do so maybe? If money is an issue.

If he comes after you though, police are an option.

Do not, I repeat, do not put his name on the birth certificate. And be sure to give the child YOUR surname.

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 16:18

Please, never marry him, neve give him money and never turn over your parental rights to him.

Remener this: he is evil and he hates you. And he will never ever stop looking for ways to hurt you. Because that what evil does.

If you stay with him, he will torment you every day for the rest of your life. You need to put as much distance between him as possible. It will be hard if you stay where he can find you, and will likely require police intervention. But you need to find your fight. You can do it!

nearlyspringyay · 25/05/2022 16:20

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 16:18

Please, never marry him, neve give him money and never turn over your parental rights to him.

Remener this: he is evil and he hates you. And he will never ever stop looking for ways to hurt you. Because that what evil does.

If you stay with him, he will torment you every day for the rest of your life. You need to put as much distance between him as possible. It will be hard if you stay where he can find you, and will likely require police intervention. But you need to find your fight. You can do it!

This. Please listen.

mommaof1 · 25/05/2022 16:24

Please get out of this. This is so so dangerous it seems to have got worse and worse from what you said, he could do anything at this point, go back to your mums and ring the police. It isn't always going to be like this at all and you will find someone who treats you right, even if he has got a video of you saying that he's locking you in a room??? That's not normal he won't show anyone that because it's proof of him abusing you. I wish you the most luck for you and your babies I'm so sorry your going through this

Ambxr · 25/05/2022 16:24

My moms house is overcrowded. I have to sleep on the sofa and have nowhere to put the baby, I’m due on 30th June. His not let me buy anything for my baby and delayed it. Now I’ve nowhere to go, no one to turn to, I feel so helpless and I’m so scared to report things and stuff. I don’t want my baby being taken or being caught up in all this. I feel so useless

OP posts:
Ambxr · 25/05/2022 16:27

I was such a happy outgoing person, I was me. I’ve lost myself so much I don’t know how to be, I don’t know how to even function at this point. I even get scared doing things for myself like incase he gets mad and says there are other things I could be doing (his demands) I been feeling so shit about myself and said I wanted to wear some makeup and he said no you got other things you can be doing. I hide and straighten my hair quickly for 5 mins incase he gets mad that I’m wasting time. I have a good job, I’m a manager but I go on maternity next month. But also have the baby next month, this is so scary for me.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 16:31

Overcrowded with family is better than abused and on your own. Babies are small, they'll fit.

You need to go before the baby is born because afterwords you'll be too tired. And even more vulnerable. I suggest you go to the police and tell them everything so that if he does come to your mums to harass you, you can call them and they will be aware of the situation in advance.

Speak with women's aid too.

So sorry that u are going through this. But you need to take the steps to leave or nothing will ever change. You are the master of your own destiny. Not this fucker. Find your anger, this man has abused you for far to long. And if you raise your child in that home, he will abuse the child too just to spite you.

Go. Now. As soon as you can, pack the.essentials and run. And never ever look back. I'm not going to say this fight will be easy op but it is necessary. And once you are free you have a chance at happiness again. Surely that'd s a chance worth fighting for.

Giveitall · 25/05/2022 16:33

You absolutely must contact Womens Aid locally. They can help take this burden from you. You will feel so much better with their help. They are very experienced with cases like yours. It sounds horrific.
Please leave this dreadful person. If I was your mum, I’d be so scared for you.

Pinkbonbon · 25/05/2022 16:39

And op, incase you are doubting it -

Your needs matter, your wishes matter, your dreams matter, your happiness matters and YOU matter. And your feelings are valid and you have every right to them.

mommaof1 · 25/05/2022 16:42

If anything your kids won't be seeing him again, as long as you get away then it's going to be fine. You need stuff for your baby, speak to your family they will understand speak to any helpline you can and you'll be helped and get away from him.

Name99 · 25/05/2022 16:43

Please contact womens aid, tell them everything they won't judge you they will help you

PerseverancePays · 25/05/2022 16:52

Women's Aid may well be able to help you into a refuge away from this abusive man.
He sounds insane. He cannot be reasoned with. Don't bother talking to him or telling him your plans. Don't tell anyone that knows him.
Ring Women's Aid and keep ringing if they are busy, tell them you are frightened for your life. They will help you get away from this mess.

Raindrops2015 · 25/05/2022 16:52

Go to council housing and declare yourself as homeless and at risk. Ask women's aid to help with housing. DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Cut all contact and please God I hope he gets fed up and leaves you both alone. You will get there and this will all be a bad memory.

My friend put a partner very like yours on Birth certificate and he is giving her hell through courts and trying to poison her child against her for being a "western infidel" He is very controlling. Tread very carefully. If he's on the birth certificate there's nothing stopping him taking your child to a different country.

Crocsandshocks · 25/05/2022 17:05

Why do abusers abuse? Because they are entitled narcissists usually. They target gentle empathic people who don't want a fight usually.

User57327259 · 25/05/2022 17:26

Run just Run.
You went back to your family before so do that again.
This is a dangerous situation for you just now and it will be much worse when the baby arrives. Get out before then
Do this for you in the first place, baby in the second place (for the time being) and also for your family. They will be worried sick. You might not have told them everything but most parents can read between the lines

MissMaple82 · 25/05/2022 18:38

Putting your child into an abusive environment is child abuse. You need to stop making excuses and leave. Contact womens aid ASAP

crossstitchingnana · 25/05/2022 20:17

Pregnancy is often the catalyst for abuse to begin. Leave.

BeeEllEyePeePeeEye · 25/05/2022 22:16

Look at what you've written here, look as though a friend, neighbor or random on the internet had written it.

The answer is leave, leave now, leave before the baby is born, stop all contact, do what you have to, but get the fuck away. It won't get better, it won't change, it will get worse and your child will either grow up knowing this shit as life or will get abuse too.

Leave now while you have time to put things in place.

Lolapusht · 25/05/2022 22:17

Refuge

Aid Local Directory

Women’s Aid 24hr Chat

Go into a pharmacy and use the Ask For Ani scheme.

Speak to your HV/midwife.

Please leave.

Readtheroom · 25/05/2022 22:23

You could really do with the support of other people right now and he isnt helping hes making you worse