Did your DP change for the better with the baby?

[WhatTimeDan]

Just that, really.

He’s great practically - cooks, cleans etc.

But he loves his job and organising a day out, especially daytime, or a holiday etc is very hard work. He isn’t bothered about time off, never really throws caution to the wind with a random mini break. I can’t seem to get him to relax that much…impromptu bbq would be a no, and so on. All this was fine when just us as I have lots of friends and I’m busy and me and DP get on very well. But I feel I will want us to focus more on quality time together now.

Ive been told confidently by others that men change with kids. I’m not so sure.

This 👆🏼

My DH did change when we had DD1.

Before children he would work long hours and like to go out socialising most weekends, sometimes making plans last minute. He was always very good with other peoples children though, he rented a room in his friend's house when we met and would often babysit for his 2 children. He was also very keen to have children, his socialising reduced a lot once we had dd's and most weekends were spent on days out, etc. He did still go out socialising with friends, but would make arrangements in advance, I would also go out socialising with my friends and he would have no problem with this. Once the dd's started school he changed his job taking on shift work and doing a job he wasn't that keen on so that he could be there to do school runs as my line of work would always be a Monday to Friday job.

I've only just found out that I'm expecting, but not sure if it's best to leave my 6 year non committal relationship now rather than after, because I don't think it'll bring us together at all. We don't live together, neither of us work and still live at home and I feel it'll put so much pressure on us. I don't think I know anyone who's kids brought them closer together, if anything most seem to split after the first month after birth, my mum and dad included.

My DH definitely changed for the worst when our twins came along.
He became resentful, dismissive and clearly not interested. Then he left when they were 15 months old.

This.

Hmmm this is tricky. Many posters seem to have assumed that he's a bad egg, but I don't get that from your post. Is it just that you have different priorities/expectations of how to spend your time? Relationships are easier if you're on the same page with this, but him enjoying his job doesn't make him a bad person, just possibly not a great match for you?

Having said that, people's priorities do change at different life stages. Before children me and DH did loads of exciting stuff, but now we change nappies and spend most nights loafing on the sofa. He used to do more overtime, but since marriage/babies he now claims the time back instead.

You can't be certain if your DH will change, but asking him would be a good start. Discuss how both your lives will change and assess whether you think he has a reasonable expectation of how much priorities will change. If he's living in cloud cuckoo land, I guess you'll just have to wait and see if he shapes up. After baby, he should not prioritise work over family (finances allowing) and you should both get equal free time. Don't accept less.

Why would having a baby change him for the better?

Genuinely what is the thinking here? 🤔

Mine was great before and has been great afterwards.

Expecting that someone will "improve" after a big change (eg marriage or babies etc) means to me that they aren't good enough to be with in the first place.

Annnnd suddenly £7k on sterilisation seems like an absolute bargain 💯

Mine got way worse to be honest 😬 went from being a fairly relaxed and caring guy to being emotionally distant and obsessed with money and work (which, conveniently, absented/excused him from all parenting duties). Most of my friends had the same experience.

Honestly I tell pregnant woman who’re excited about coparenting to prepare for disappointment and know that it is normal!

But that’s me and my crowd, perhaps you have discovered a different species of man 🤷‍♀️

I know a lot of men that go the other way or stay the same when a baby comes into the picture. A lot of them realize they don't like family life and spending time with the kids and/or their OH. The reality of children vs the idea of children and family life is very shocking for them and many can't/won't want to deal with it.