Co-parenting with a narc- any advice please!

[Cheeseandbiscuits2]

My ex is a narcissistic person, no question about it. Trying to co parent with him is exhausting.
I left him 5 and a half years ago and me and our DS went into a women's refuge as he was mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. Naive me thought the abuse would stop but over these 5 and a half years has continued to verbally abusive me. Threatening to take me to court to get DS taken away from me.

He is impossible to reason with. Everything i say he takes as a personal attack. For example I said at the weekend can we just look like we get along in front of DS as he is picking up on it and it must be upsetting for him. He took that as me saying he's damaging our DS and threw so much abusive via messages at me.

He's began small bits of parental alienation. Telling DS mummy tells you off a lot doesn't she, but i don't tell you off. Don't tell your mum i let you stay up extra late on a school night etc. DS came home so withdraw this week and then burst out crying and told me this. He's only 5! Poor guy must have had this on his mind.

I want to go to court so DS see's ex less because tbh he is damaging to him. During these 5 and a half years i've never threatened once to stop him seeing DS however it's becoming clearer that he is trying to form some toxic bond relationship with our DS and trying to be his best friend. I get we parent different but this is next level. Ex has displayed jealousy about my DP and her DD. Ex wont even say hi to DP DD who is 10 years old! Literally ignores her when she says hi to him. He is so mean.

I've spoken to our local domestic abuse charity who i went into the refuge with. They done a risk assessment on me and said its come back as medium however it needs to be high for them to assist or support me in anyway. They suggested i speak with DS school. I did this, they were no use. Basically said all parents who split and co parent don't get along. I don't know what else to do.

My main concern is the parental alienation. I'm so scared he's going to turn DS against me and make him hate me. It's happened to so many other cases out there. And for reference i have never said a bad word about ex to my DS. I wont stoop to his level.

So from one desperate upset mum to another, please do you have any advice? What can i do to ensure my DS isn't poisoned by his dad.

bump

You’ve just got to be the best mum you can as I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his relationship with your son. He might be genuinely trying to create a great dad-son relationship which your boy but doing it the wrong way and letting his issues with you bleed in. As long as you are being a great mum I’m sure your son will want to be around you just as much.

Your relationship with your is something you can change though. Stop being drawn into arguments and treat it like dealing with someone you work with and nothing else, if you can! It’s difficult but just don’t try to change him, just manage him the best you can. 5 1/2 years is a long time, he’s not going to change and suddenly realise he’s being a knob.

I do grey rock with my ex, Google it - he wants you to bite with every argument, wants to keep your attention on him and keep you on the hook. You have to ignore him as much as possible, be as uninteresting as possible so he doesn't get a reaction. Over time he'll lose interest. Don't try to reason, don't ask him for anything. There's good advice on the chumplady website.

You can't co-parent with a narc, try to be as bland as you can with any comments about ex with your son. You're right not to badmouth ex, you don't need to. You'll always be there for your son, keep doing everything you do for him as you're consistent and he will know he can rely on you, you don't change or manipulate. He will see what's going on in time. My DD is seeing the light now and wants to stop contact with my narc ex, my son is a bit older and has already stopped seeing his dad.

Thank you, I've heard of grey rock but will look it up.

Yes you are so right. Its like he tries to poke me to get any reaction. Especially when he fells jealous, bored, getting no attention.

A part of me hopes DS sees it when he's older but also I feel sad for him because his dad is just so self centred.

Do you think I should attempt to lessen contact.

Atm he has his 3 nights per week.

I would say, a few years further down the line, that being bland and unemotional in your responses to him REALLY works over time. As does remaining neutral with your son and not badmouthing your ex.

Having said that, you can "disagree" with him, by telling your son what you know to be true if he tells a lie about you. With the "Mum tells you off but I don't nonsense," your ex is trying to sow the seed that you don't love him, or that he loves your ds more, so you just need a loving response like "I love you very, very much, all the time". Never get into a big emotional criticism of his dad, or get too tangled up trying to refute what he's saying. Just state YOUR truth.

If you think your ds is worrying again, remind him that he spoke to you before and that he can always talk to you if he's worried about anything. I'm sure you already tell him that you love him all the time. Tell him the things he's good at and the things you love about him. Say things like "sometimes mums and dads don't get on but we both love you."

Several years down the line I have a strong relationship with my children, and despite many, many years of criticism of me, they feel very safe, secure and happy in our home. They also have a good relationship with their dad, which I'm happy about for their sakes, but these days they have definitely worked out and can see his negative sides all by themselves!

As for reducing contact, I'd be wary actually, unless you're sure it would be agreed. A court would agree to 50/50 with no safeguarding concerns so you may run the risk of him seeing his dad more, not less.

One thing I would advise though, is to put any concerns you have, in writing. So for example email the school if you've just had conversations and say "further to our conversation, I am still worried about xyz, and ds's reactions. Is there any support you can offer him......." etc etc. A paper trail of concerns is helpful because it is proof that not only were you worried, you were doing something about it. Otherwise anyone can accuse you of making things up. With the paper trail, again, don't get too emotional about your ex and focus your concerns around your ds.

Good luck. It does get better 💕

Thank you so much that's reassuring and really helpful advice

Hi I am new to the chat, I am having to co-parent also with a narcissist. I split up from my ex after 26 years never married. When I finally decided I didn't love him anymore he tried everything to get me back, but this was because I wanted my share of the family home. After 6 mths of flowers, chocolate and texts that were extremely loving with pictures of us together and other gifts every week which he never did this when we were together. Speak to me in a different way which again never called me darling the whole 26 years we were together. Than after so many refusals that I really didn't want to get back with him, he gave up and then the narcissist came back. This is when it got nasty he planted recordings in the house as I was broken by his manipulation and gaslighting constantly everyday that I was at breaking point. I was breaking down and shouting and acting in not the correct way a mother should be. He than reported me to social services and the police got involved. I was interviewed by the police for 5-6 hours they found out that he had drove me to this behaviour. He had sent videos and voice recordings of me behaving irrationally.
I never went back home stayed at a friend's next day picked up my children and stayed at my friend's again.

In the early morning I woke up to go to the toilet and came round I was on the floor and my leg was all twisted. I had broken my leg in two places went to hospital and had a major operation in hospital for 2 & 1/2 weeks. I had only been out for 2 days and bam he hit me with a urgent court hearing for child abuse. Wanted to take the children away from me and my visit to be supervised. No here 10 months later he didn't get the children or the house. But it has been the worst 10 months of my life.

However, now the hearings have come to an end he is still sending messages that are just very cleverly milipulative and also solicitor letters that are bullying and controling.

Does anyone have answers on how to stop theses solicitor letters that you have to reply to and are costing me a lot of money that I don't have.

This is a thread for us to try and help cheeseandbiscuits2

You will need to start your own thread for specific advice on your situation, Hazelnuti.