Phone issues w husband

[exceptmeandmymonkey]

Background: I am self-employed in a creative job; on a normal day, my work time is 10-3. At 9 I leave the house on a bus after childcare drop-off, at 3:30, I take a return bus and have the children until my husband (who WFH) comes down at around 6:15, at which point we tag-team with both kids in bed around 7.

The trouble: my husband is very irritated with my phone use after 7 p.m. He thinks we should spend more time together, which usually means watching tv.

I enjoy tv less than him, but also I stopped work at 3:30 p.m. so by 7 p.m. I nearly always have follow-up emails and admin that I don't want to infringe on my 10-3 "creative" time. Also, I like brainless internet reading the same way that he likes brainless tv viewing, so it's not just work, sometimes I'm reading mumsnet or news.

He feels I'm always looking at my phone. I notice his irritation and judgment, and also think he doesn't quite acknowledge how different our work days are when he gets a solid block from 9 a.m. to 6:15 p.m. in our only home office, while I have a much shorter day to accomodate not having a home office (commute to a co-work space) and needing to pick up at 4 p.m.

Any ideas on a happy resolution? I don't think he's totally wrong, and I don't think I am, either.

Get your laptop out and spend an hour doing work admin or learning (which what your reading is).

Then give him your attention from 8pm or 9pm.

Then once a week on an agreed night have a date night where the TV is off unless you both agree that you are watching a proper film.

Yes brainless reading on MN and other forums is learning as you don't know what you will come across.

He thinks we should spend more time together, which usually means watching tv.

So you can't do your thing, but he can do his and not only that, you have to do it too?

The perfect compromise here then would be to switch off the TV (his preferred evening activity) put down the phones (your preferred activity) and do something that both of you enjoy together.

Suggest that to him, as that's the fairest option to both of you.

Have a couple of nights a week where you don’t have the phone?

Why is it ok for him to look at his screen but you're not allowed to look at yours? If he wants to go out tell him to organise something.

Why does he get to dictate what you do?

Tell him if he starts doing school drop offs you can do your admin earlier in the day.

My husband gets annoyed by this. Brainless TV watching (his way of relaxing) doesn't appeal to me, I'd rather read. If I read a book I have to zone out entirely so often pootle across different websites, play small challenges like wordle etc so that I can unwind but also be present enough for a conversation. He just sees it as me being on my phone a lot.

I've made it clear that if he wants me off my phone, the brainless TV goes off too and we either sit and chat together or properly watch a movie. The minute he complains about me being on the phone I turn the TV off. Oddly enough this seems to have gotten through to him.

Surely he doesn't think that he should get to decide what you, personally, do, of an evening? Why would he think this? Why would he think he's 'right' about what a person should do? Does he always think you should do things just like him?

Very odd. It's not like watching TV together is even interactive quality time. Have you told him his evening habits bore you? If not, why not?

I think there are different ways of looking at this issue. From his POV, we have very little time adult time together as parents of young children, and he wants to enjoy being together. He'd love to watch tv together and laugh. Sitting on the couch reading a phone feels unsociable.

From my POV, at the end of the day I've got a list of to-dos and I feel like I'm mentally spent. I just want quiet, introspective time to recharge. Before we had kids, I used to like sitting on the couch and cracking up at bad tv, but that was before we had kids and we had more balance (used to go out more to do things, have meals out, etc -- things we don't do as we don't have access to evening childcare).

Why not turn your phone off on Friday night, get a takeaway and watch trash TV with your hubby?

You don't have to have much to do with something you find boring @exceptmeandmymonkey . Maybe spend an hour watching a programme you both enjoy with him (hopefully you can find some.)

Perhaps see if you can find some youtube channels you both enjoy and watch them together sometimes.

But he doesn't get to make you do something you don't want to do with your time.

PP's are right that maybe once a week do something a bit more together- takeaway or go out for coffee or whatever.

I remember one boyfriend I watched the reboot of the Dark Crystal with- soooo boring. I should've said I wasn't into it.

I can see his POV because I do think that TV is a more social thing to do than being on your phone, and in my opinion also a better way to relax. But I recognise that that last part at least is a matter of opinion.

I would do what others have suggested and carve out date nights where you're doing neither. Maybe try and cut back a bit on the mindless scrolling and suggest he cuts back on the mindless TV watching.

The minute he complains about me being on the phone I turn the TV off.

@ResentfulLemon Lol, good plan.

We haven't had as many wild ones recently, but my bestie (ex partner who is still my best friend) sometimes asks what's happening on MN.

Then I'll read him some of the more shocking or obviously fake OP's or any amusing comments. He seems to enjoy it and it's nice that he takes an interest and can appreciate the appeal of the boards.

I just want quiet, introspective time to recharge

Do you feel he respects this? Have you told him clearly that this is what you need?

It sounds like you both have a point of view but little attempt at compromise has been made.

Cant he pick the kids up 1-2 days p/w whilst you work longer?

Both of you are wrong and right.

Yanbu to want some time on your phone and not enjoy watching tv.
Yabu to not want to see why he wants to do something with you. It's easy to drift apart if you don't make time.

He is lnbu to want to do something with you.
He is bu to forget that he has the only home office and can work straight through until 6:30pm. He's also u to not realise that you don't enjoy watchjng tv.

I think that you should have some phone time but after that he should then turn off the tv and you both do something together.

I wouldn't say there's no compromise. For example, I am hanging out on the couch with him when, truth be told, I'd rather be in bed reading some days. And he does try to find things on TV I'd like, but I'm just not a big TV watcher -- in an ideal world, I'd only watch TV 1-2 days per week and would read or daydream other days.

He wants to have more "us" time, but doing something he likes (TV), while I feel like I need a bit more "me" time to do what I like (work and read).

I agree with the poster who said it's important to prioritise together time, and I admit that I don't always because having such young children has fritzed all my wires as an introvert. I'm exhausted a lot!

Yes, I said little attempt, not no attempt. It's not enough, is it? He's still watching telly. You still need alone time.

Get solution focussed. 'He feels', 'I feel', 'He needs', 'I need'.

What do 'we' need? What do 'we' feel? What would 'we' rather feel? You're not opposed, but it sounds like you fee like you are. There must be a way forward where you watch TV sometimes and unwind with your phone sometimes too?

Similar here, OP, although for different reasons. I’m really not much of a tv person and it’s definitely not my preferred method of chilling. We’ve reached a compromise where some evenings we sit chatting in the kitchen with no tv on at all (full engagement), some evenings I will suggest low engagement TV so that I can work/browse in parallel, and other evenings (twice a week at the most) we watch someone “ proper” together, like a film or a series we both enjoy, and we both stay off devices.