Retroactive Jealousy

[Rainkilt123]

My wife and i married 6 months ago and we have been together 3 years.
She is without a doubt the best woman i have met.
I hate to admit im a jealous person and have had trust issues since my now ex wife cheated twice.
That said, i have never untrusted my new wife.
Ive never felt the need to snoop, am relaxed when shes out and trust her.
I dont feel jealous day to day with my wife, however struggle really bad with Retroactive Jealousy and her past.
Her past relationships and comments she has made over the years stick in my mind and eat away at me.
For example, an ex girlfriend once compared me to her rugby playing ex which made me feel crap.
I told my now wife this and her response was, oh you can play rugby if you want though they have great bodies. I looked at her and said you have just done exactly what she did. She just looked blankly at me.
Another time she said to me, my ex used to play drums. It was so hot. I love drumming its hot as fk. Drumming is not even close to the person i am.

Now ill never watch rugby or a live band with her as I think.shes just drooling over these men.

Shes never validating me. She tells me she loves me and tells me this is her best relationship but has admitted to shaing about for years.
Im really struggling with her past and her 'likes' that just isn't me.
She never really initiates sex.
She will over messages, for example will say can we fck tonight but that night she just waits on me. She never 'jumps' me.
Never looks at me and says come fck me.
She told me once thst she was so turned on during sex with an ex she squirted everywhere.
Thats never happened with me and all i do now is think about that when we have sex and wonder why i cant make her do that.
I hate being like this.
Im currently getting therapy for unconnected PTSD which she knows about but this Jealousy is making me depressed and sad.
I sometimes sit in my car and cry about the comments shes made and i feel stupid about it.
Im a grown man with a great job.
My job many think is 'hot'. Shes probably said to me 3 or 4 times my job is hot but never makes a thing out of it like she dod with rugby or drums And i cant understand why.

I've told her more than once how I feel and she's apologised but I never see much change

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Shes never validating me. She tells me she loves me and tells me this is her best relationship

"My GF never does x" gives example of GF doing x 🤔
"She never makes a thing of my job being hot, except the 4 times she did"
"She doesn't want sex, except she tells me all the time she wants sex"

You are going to sabotage this relationship with your out-of-control insecurity. This poor woman must be at her wits end, afraid to say literally anything for fear that you'll jump on it and seize it as "proof" that she doesn't find you attractive.

You are punishing her and yourself for what your ex did. It is pointless, cruel, and totally useless.

You need to be honest with your therapist about your behaviour and your intrusive thought patterns around this. Honestly I'd suggest taking a break from relationships until you've resolved this in therapy. You are currently not in the right place to be dating anyone.

[wellhelloitsme]

Never looks at me and says come fuck me

You poor lamb.

To be brutally honest, OP, I'm not sure how much I would want to invite someone who was so unhealthily jealous of my past to fuck me.

You aren't in a healthy enough headspace for a relationship IMO.

Until you sort this issue out, you won't be able to have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone. You'll find reasons to be jealous of any woman's past, because everyone has one.

Shes never validating me. She tells me she loves me and tells me this is her best relationship

And I don't think you can work on it while in a relationship as it's clearly clouding your judgement to the extent you're making entirely contradictory statements like that one.

While you're this jealous, no amount of reassurance will be enough. And it's exhausting to be on the receiving end of someone capable of saying 'she doesn't validate me' followed by the fact she tells you she loves you and that this is her best relationship.

Also you seem to doubt what she says based on the fact she told you she spent years 'shagging about'. If you're not happy with someone who did so, or judge (as you clearly do) the fact she did so then why punish them by being this jealous but still staying with them?

I don't want to kiss a smoker, so I wouldn't be in a relationship with one. If you don't personally want to be with a person who spent years 'shagging about', don't be in a relationship with one.

[5128gap]

She's deliberately trying to upset you. No one is so insensitive as to accidentally make the rugby player remark in a conversation about your ex cheating with one. She said it on purpose. Same with her childish anecdotes about past sexual experiences and calling people hot in front of you. Are you both very young/inexperienced? You sound more like teens than a married couple.

[Iwantcollarbones]

It was very unfair of you to marry her when you have such massive issues

[spotcheck]

Gosh, it looks like you are looking for superficial behaviour, rather than a deep meaningful relationship.

[SnowWhitesSM]

My exh was like you OP. It ruined our marriage. I was on eggshells all the time as if I ever mentioned anything in my past he would feel like shit and take it out on me. I had to stop my dc telling a funny camping story that involved my ex bf as it would have ruined our holiday. He saw a photo on fb that I hadn't deleted and went nuts about it. All I ever wanted was him, I absolutely adored him but he couldn't see past his retroactive jealousy. I also couldn't not be me.

Get some help ASAP. Also, the only person's validation that you need is yours, otherwise you'll never believe another person really loves you.