Toxic family member

[Fairyfail]

I have a toxic brother.
He calls me a lot with his problems. Never asks how I am, will snap if he doesn't like my suggestions and moan about me to our parents despite him calling me for advice! He never ever asks how I am and the odd occasion I call him for help he will disregard anything I'm saying anf talk about himself. I have an autoimmune disorder and if I'm having trouble with it, he'll call me a "hypochondriac hahaha."

He can be nasty.
But hasn't been towards me for a few years. I think he's self centred- borderline narcissistic. But, we get along on the surface as our children love each other, play together and I love his kids. I also feel like I need to be a reliable aunt to his daughter as he reminds me of our misogynistic father and I want to be there for her should he turn on her in her teens like our dad did.

However, I don't like him much of the time, despite his charismatic nature and jokes, he can actually a self centred, nasty man.

An incident this week, which I perceive as selfish and I considerate, which involves the children has really angered me and I can't speak to him. On reflection, he brings nothing but drama to my life- even at Christmas and our birthdays, he's consumed in his own drama asking for help and advice or ranting to me about it. Him and his wife ruined Christmas after one of their many arguments and they could attend the family gathering I'd arranged and put lots of work in for us all. There was no apology, nothing.

I don't want to lose my niece and nephew but I am really fed up of his lack of reciprocation, drama and self-centredness. I feel stuck in to getting along with him for the sake of our kids, but quite frankly, I think he's a dick.

*couldn't attend

How did they ruin Christmas by not attending? Sounds like you're adding a dose of drama yourself.

Lack of reciprocation can be minimised by not giving any more than you need to. The impact of drama can be minimised by not engaging. You can be there for your niece without having to have an involved relationship with him.

Pull back. How much impact he has on you is up to you, not him.

You don’t have to get sucked in. You can nod and listen or change the subject swiftly.

offer to take the children on a sleepover on a regular basis.

unfortunately there is no changing your brother only your response towards him.

I would encourage you to protect your own children and health at the expense of this relationship if it is v v damaging.

With their parents being their overriding influence you will have no real sway on them going forward. I would not readily facilitate a relationship between your children and his children now; as they get older they will have their own friends and attend different schools. It will also do your children no favours at all to see you as their parents being so disrespected by their uncle and his family for instance like they did at Christmas. You would not tolerate this from a friend, your brother is no different.

Re your comment:
"I also feel like I need to be a reliable aunt to his daughter as he reminds me of our misogynistic father and I want to be there for her should he turn on her in her teens like our dad did".

Like father like son. Sadly history has a nasty habit of repeating itself and your kids could end up being scapegoated and or feeling used. I guess your father turned on you in your teens (you were also further developing opinions of your own which he did not like) and with your mother's apparant backing.

You need to address this in therapy and with someone who has NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Do not use the above as a reason to keep your children and his children together.

Continue instead to be both the reliable and consistent mother to your own children.

Yes this is the trouble- his silly misogynistic jokes infront of my daughters. It's really hard.

Ok the Christmas "plans", were spoilt. We were spending it with them at my house which all the children were looking forward to.

It's hard as I get roped in by "I want to kill myself" type claims and then I think, well if I don't help him and he kills himself then I'd never forgive myself. He's also had a nasty time of it with his ex girlfriend who lied about the paternity of her child etc, it was very messy and emotionally turbulent for all involved really. He had to get his head around not being his real dad, being his real dad and then not being again. It's emotionally draining.

His children are 2 and 4 so not quite at the sleep over stage yet. And many might think they are, but their mother would disagree.

Make your own family traditions at Christmas going forward. You have ample evidence to suggest he is not and will never be the reliable kind and brother you perhaps still want and hope him to be. Your parents, particularly your dad, created this familial dynamic.

Your boundaries here re your brother are too low and need urgent raising and revision. You need to detach and stop getting roped into his conversations; drop the rope he holds out to you. Block his number if you have to and at the very least limit all interactions with him and his family. Like practically all abusers he is using the threat of killing himself as emotional manipulation against you. How many times have you already been sucked in by such emotiveness from him?. You are his sister and you are not responsible for your brother. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship; neither approach works.
As his sister too there is nothing you can do to help him; he has to want to help his own self and he won't be doing that ever particularly whilst he has you as the scapegoat and or foil for him.

You all need as a family to stay well away from him going forward. I feel sorry for his children; if their mother is not a narcissist then some of the damage will be mitigated.

It's hard as I get roped in by "I want to kill myself" type claims and then I think, well if I don't help him and he kills himself then I'd never forgive myself.
"Bro, this is hard to hear & I don't have the psychological expertise to help you with suicide threats. You need expert help, so please phone the Samaitans, who have the training you need & can signpost you to the right help."
Then disengage, & call 101 for a welfare check.
If he's shitting you awith his suicide threats (hint: he is) - it might stop him from manipulating you with another phone call like this in future.

He's also had a nasty time of it with his ex girlfriend who lied about the paternity of her child etc, it was very messy and emotionally turbulent for all involved really. He had to get his head around not being his real dad, being his real dad and then not being again.
You couldn't throw a rock round these parts for PP who will have had similarly distressing family circumstances, or worse. It doesn't make them want to abuse their innocent siblings though.

It's emotionally draining.
I'm sure it is. It should be draining for HIM - who should be offloading onto professionals who are training to deal with it, & manage their own feelings through supervision afterwards.
It should not be this draining to YOU.

You need to drop the rope & stop being so available.
his silly misogynistic jokes infront of my daughters
He calls me a lot with his problems.
He can be nasty.
have an autoimmune disorder and if I'm having trouble with it, he'll call me a "hypochondriac hahaha."

"Sorry bro - can't deal with your problems - I am having a hypochondria attack so can't talk now, call me when you have arranged a therapist & started taking responsibility for all these problems you want to keep dumping on me."

Just step back OP.
You cannot save the world, & you need to put yourself, & your own DDs, in front of him, & his.

Sorry bro - can't deal with your problems - I am having a hypochondria attack so can't talk now, call me when you have arranged a therapist & started taking responsibility for all these problems you want to keep dumping on me."

This bit had me in stitches @KettrickenSmiled 🤣.

I don't mind being there for him but it's no reciprocated. The reason I'm reconsidering having any relationship with him and posting here is because he's made comments about my children overwhelming his kids and has excluded them from a social event, hence why I'm absolutely furious after all of the times I've had to drop my own plans and be there for him. I'm livid.

Of course you're livid - it's not just this latest incident, it's years of suppressed rage at being taken for granted & mocked.

PP elsethread posted something fab about how we enable a single abuser within the family network. Here you go -

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.