Trying to be strong after a lying, cheating, non-committal man child, but struggling.

[Theonlywayisup11]

I've posted a few times about different stages of my relationship. I allowed my ex fiancé to post on my account, however it was taken down twice as people thought it was fake because what we've been through was so extreme.

I'm struggling to remain strong and keep wanting to reach out to him so badly, I need some cold hard truths to stop be from being weak and to maintain the no contact. Just as background this is what he's done to me and has happened in our relationship.

I met my partner when he was 18. We were together for nearly 10 years but have just separated due to the issues below. I am 7 years older than him.
Growing up he was mentally and physically abused by his step dad and his real dad died when he was 15. His mum chose to support his step father and I know
he felt very on edge being in the house and did not get any support.

When we first met I was actually with someone else who was very physically violent. We started to see each other and he fell in love very quickly, however I did not, I just didn’t want to be with someone so much younger than me, and did at one point go back to my ex. I know this made him heart broken.
My ex punished me very harshly and ended up beating me so violently he broke my ribs, I did testify in court but he got away with it.
We then started to see each other properly and I never spoke or met with him again. We spent all of our time together and moved in together.
I had a very good job, but worked long hours and wanted to have a change of career, he also wanted to build his professional career.
Over the next 5 years we had to move to different parts of the country due to his training. I supported us both financially, whilst building my own company from scratch.
We had a great couple of years building the company, his career and always shared the same dreams. After nearly 3 years we had to move again.
Shortly after we moved to a new area, where I was supporting us financially again, he cheated on me with a friend of his mums, twice! I found out he was also texting other girls behind my back. I was heartbroken, we had explosive rows but he was the one to go so cold and eventually moved out. I was left in a big house, in an expensive area and was devastated. Meanwhile he worked as many hours as he could to numb the pain of what we were going through and his past issues.

After a couple of months I went out with someone else and slept with him.
I told him about this and said it meant nothing as it didn't, I just was bored of being on my own (I've always preferred being with someone rather than single)
A couple more months went by and I went out one night with a couple of my friends, his best friend was also there. He told me how he couldn’t be trusted and cheated on me all the time, and I believed every word. I knew he'd always had a thing for me, but he purposely got me blind drunk in order to try it on with me. Although at the time I don't think I was bothered as I thought it would hurt him back. My friends warned him about what he was doing, and said he was out of order for getting me so drunk and if he tried anything on, he would be taking advantage. He took pictures of me that night saying he was going to ‘bang me’ and sent to lots of our mutual friends, I only recently found this out. He still has the pictures on his phone now and has recently been bragging about how he's slept with me in the past. I honestly cannot remember anything happening bar waking up beside him in my underwear the next day and I have had to tell him that I don't believe anything happened but if it did it was un-consensual. There was no evidence of sex and I still have the messages between my friends and I stating that I can’t remember anything but was convinced I had not had sex.
His best friend and him have always had a strange friendship, they compete in everything, cars, money, houses, toys etc and he always thought my partner had slept with his ex behind his back, although he swears he didn't. The strange thing is his best friend only told him about this happening 3 years ago, which is now 6 years after that night. Due to him bragging to another friend of our recently this whole thing has been blown up again.

We moved house shortly after that night had happened, this time hundreds of miles away, however he was not aware that that night had taken place at this point, yet he did the same thing, went cold on me, moved out, left me in a big house in a new area with no family around, only this time I found out I was pregnant. He was so nasty about the pregnancy and forced me to have an abortion. I did and I cut him fully out of my life. I thought to myself once bitten twice shy. I was very keen to move on with my life and again, after a few months had passed I met someone else, nothing serious, just someone to hang out with an have fun. My ex freaked when he found out and somehow managed to convince me to give it another go, promised me the world etc etc. We got engaged in 2020 and actually had a wonderful few years together, with zero dramas, I finally thought we had grown up and learnt from our past.

We booked and planned our wedding, I couldn't believe it but he asked his 'best friend' to be his best man. I was shocked, I couldn't believe it. It caused all of the past to come back up and low and behold he once again went cold , has just moved out and abandoned me once more. He did a real number this time, cancelled the wedding without telling me (I found out when the caterers emailed me saying how sorry they were to hear that we had separated, which we hadn't at this point). I went away for the weekend and he emptied the house whilst I was away. He has been horrendous to me, ignoring me, trying to take my personal assets (of which I have a lot as I've been very lucky to be successful in my business).

He states that he just can't get over me being with other people when we had our times apart (yet he also saw other people and that's apparently ok!) He says he thinks about other people being with / inside me all day every day, that he's so depressed and feels its all stemmed from his childhood trauma. His coping mechanism is to stonewall and throw himself into work so he doesn't need to think about things. Yet he also states that I am his soulmate, that he just wants some time by himself to deal with his issues once and for all and he feels he will get over everything quicker if he does this alone rather than work through things as a couple. I can't help that I do love him, although I know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. I don't understand why I'm still pining for him when this is how he treats me.

I have never cheated, although I did go out with others quite quickly after us separating and I admit that I smashed some of his stuff up in the past when I had been drinking (once in 10 years and when I found out he was cheating on me with his mums friend) I now won’t drink when feeling emotional and have done lots of work on myself making sure I'm as kind and rounded as I can be. I feel I am fun, sweet, kind, successful, caring, ambitious, supportive, everything a man would want, yet I can’t seem to get over how I feel like I am the bad party here as he is stating that he is the one hurting so bad because I have been out with other people, especially his so called friend.

Sorry this is so long, this is more for my benefit as it helps to see it written. But the longing feeling I have for him is ridiculous. I need to try and get this non-committal man-child out of my life once and for all, and not give him the space he is asking for to work on himself don't i?

This isn't about being strong against some external force that's pushing against you, that you have to resist.

This is about you simply recognising what's good for you, and acting accordingly. You are responsible for your own life. If you want to be happy, put yourself where you're happy. If you want to feel poorly treated, confused and hurt, put yourself where that's how you feel. It's entirely up to you.

Whose feelings were more important than yours when you were growing up? Alcoholic parent? Abusive parent? Parent with mental health issues? You've learned this, somewhere, this thing that means that when he tells you he's falling to pieces, you feel you need to be there for him despite your own feelings.

OP you sound absolutely lovely and you deserve so much better than him. I've been in a similar position to you, with someone who was absolutely toxic for me, but I kept giving him chances and letting him back in.

We broke up (again!) at the beginning of the year and I've found the book 'How to win your breakup' by Natasha Adamo incredibly helpful in moving on and would really recommend it. It's focus is on toxic relationships and how not to get drawn back in. I ended up getting both the book and having it on audible too, so I can listen whilst I'm driving and out running. If you Google her you can read some of her essays online and see if her style and approach resonates with you.

Very conscious my post sounds like a sales pitch - it really isn't, I just found her approach really clicked and resonated with me. This article is a good example of what the book expands on: natashaadamo.com/how-to-forget-about-your-ex/

@littleburn omg thank you, sales pitch or not that article really rang home to me. It makes so much sense that someone who keeps blurring the lines and not giving you clarity is such a head fu@k!!

@Watchkeys this is why I loves mumsnet…my mother was an alcoholic growing up. I had no idea that I had learned to put others feelings infront of my own, that’s eye opening, thank you so much.

Really struggling today, I have gone nc, for me to move on not to play games, but he keeps texting, asking why I’m ignoring him, if I’m ok, I don’t know whether to respond or not…argh, this is horrible 😢

One word describes this relationship toxic

If you've decided to go no contact (which is absolutely the right decision) then you need to block him OP. Otherwise you're going to end up replying and this whole toxic saga will start again. Short term pain for long term gain. Cut the cord.

@wellhelloitsme I've been there! Honestly this is exactly what happens. His ego needs to know that you're still there. It's not about you, or about caring about you. It's about him needing to check that if he yanks on the chain you're still there on the end of it. He wants to know he can behave however he wants, treat you as badly as he wants and you'll still be there desperate for the validation of 'he loves you, he was just confused etc, etc'.

I just can’t believe that people behave like that. Why lead people on if it’s not what you want. I don’t understand 🤷‍♀️

Stop trying to understand people who are nothing like you. Stop asking why. People are all different, and there'll always be stuff you don't 'get'.

Walk away from it, rather than torturing yourself for not understanding. Just walk quietly away. So much less drama, even inside your own mind.

Tbh op, you put your foot down with him and he didn't like it so he threw all his dummies out the pram and now he is trying to alter history by talking about having a problem with you having dated other men, so it looks like he is happy things have ended. To try to regain the upper hand.

It may also be setting you up for the merry go round of: prove your loyalty and purity. If you were to go back. You would be kept on this. Trying to prove your worth instead if recognising he is the one that isnt worthy of you.

He is a scummy creep who only cares about himself and his ego op. He even tried to Rob you ffs! Please tell him to leave you alone once and for all and then block him on all modes of access. If he continues to find ways to harass you, call the police.

Because narcissists and similar disordered, egotistical wankers like him only care about being put on a pedestal. They have no sense of self. They need other ppl to see them or they have to look at themselves.. .and see how empty they really are.

Everything about them is an act, bits and pieces of personality and hobbies copied from other people. Truth is, they're like a cup with a hole in it, they need other people to be constantly pouring water in. But it'll never be enough. Never.

They have no soul, so try to take it from you. Qnd they hate that they can't. Essentially, they are evil.

After an awful, toxic break up with an abusive wanker I needed therapy and kept asking questions like this.

My therapist gently but firmly said to me "you need to stop trying to understand why he behaved the way he did, and focus on trying to understand why you stayed with him when he behaved the way he did." It was a lightbulb for me.

By obsessing over how could he / didn't he love me / was any of it real etc etc, I was avoiding doing the hardest thing - being accountable to myself for staying.

I had to work out why I had stayed in order to ensure it would never, ever happen again. That's the only way to really move on.

That and no contact. Have you blocked him yet?

Omg so much of this is true. He cares so deeply about how people perceive him. It’s all about the show! I guess I stayed because when things were good they felt great, but it was just either big highs or very low lows!

he actually still does work for my company and has been sending messages via teams, which has other members of the board in, so I’ve had to remain professional in that respect but I haven’t responded to anything he’s sent privately to me. What’s interesting is he hasn’t tried to call, he just sent messages, just hiding behind the texts!

Toxic/narcissistic people can give you the the highest of high moments, but that's all it really is - just moments strung together. What they can't give you is being the consistently committed, respectful and kind partner that you need and deserve. It's simply not within their emotional range.

I know it's easy to start hoping that this time he'll 'get it' and truly realise how great you are together. After putting you through so much, and you still being there for him, handing out the second and third chances, it's understandable to think you will finally be rewarded with him 'getting it'. But he won't. It would take huge, long term commitment from him to address why he is the way he is, not the short term shock of losing you and missing you.

Honestly, I know it's hard, but keep going. Your life will get so, so much better without him in it. One technique that works for me if I'm wavering is to think of my 8 year old self. How would I explain the choices I'm making to her? How would I justify what I'm going to put her through? Am I looking after her and protecting her, or am I putting her in a toxic situation? You need to treat yourself as well as 8 year old you was or should have been treated x

I'd report him to your boss for harassing you in the workplace. He is behaving unprofessionally so let work handle it.

Sadly I own the company so can’t report him to anyone!!

I love that reference regarding thinking about my 8 yr old self. I know he will never change, but there was always a part of me that thought he would finally ‘get it’, but I can now see he won’t.