Any advice regarding child arrangements in this situation?

[cleanbreak2022]

Hi all,

Exp and I separated at Xmas. In March I found out he had been leading a double life and had moved in with OW. Leaving me and our two children (7 and 1).

It hasn't been easy, I only have contact with him regarding the children.

Up until April I had been begging him to take some of the childcare responsibilities on a weekend. He was reluctant and continually let them down, none the less, I carried on asking.

In April I took the kids on holiday and whilst away, he attempted suicide.

Upon my return, I stopped weekend visits and agreed he can do afternoon school run on Wednesday-Friday in my home. I was nervous to allow him to take them anywhere for extended times on a weekend.

His GF and he seem to be trying to 'fix' him. He's attending meditation and group therapies. Now, I know these things can be good but I also know him attending these things is a demand from his GF as a condition that she took him back (amongst other things a lump sum of money too). On the face of it, it looks lovely and supportive but in the back ground, it's blackmail and toxic. This is a man that eats pizza and kebabs and thinks nothing of drinking 15 pints, loves football and raucous. She, is a Buddhist and vegan. Nothing against either life styles but they are at polar opposite's.

This morning he has sent me a message, clearly drafted by her to inform me of a contact calendar that has been drafted.

I'm furious, but possibly being unreasonable (open to be told that). I haven't seen the calendar yet, but I am not comfortable him taking my children for extended periods of time whilst he is so fresh from a suicide attempt and attending therapy twice weekly. I am also not comfortable with my children being introduced to her when the separation is fresh for my 7 yr old and the thought of another woman comforting my 1 yr old makes my blood boil.
There is also the relationship itself which I feel is all based on him 'becoming a better man' (if they say that to me again I will loose my shit). It's all based on him conforming to satisfy her demands.

What would you do? Any was and rational words of advice for me?

They live in a one bedroom house and no sleeping arrangements for the children

Tricky. Very tricky.

So before you panic. I would wait and see what the calendar says. No use getting distressed before you know the extent of it.

In general, your kids have a right to a relationship with their father. I'm not sure that his suicide attempt changes that unless you think he's a danger to the kids?

She's a red herring. You can't decide who he introduces them to on his time. You don't have to like it, but there's nothing you can do.

If there aren't bedrooms for the children, presumably they can't stay. I'd certainly be asking about plans for that.

You were keen for them to build a relationship with their dad earlier. I'd focus on that. Ignore the gf, she's not relevant to this and anger about her won't help you.

What is reasonable in terms of his time with them, and how do you build to that.

@OnceUponAThread

Thank you. I was keen for more of a co-parenting relationship. He seemed to have the impression that he had walked away and would see them at a time that suited him (which wasn't weekends).

My reluctance to allow him to take them for a night or entire day is, a) he's clearly not in a stable place. His attempt was 4/5 weeks ago. b) it's part of the narrative they have in him becoming a 'better man'. It's not (in my opinion) for him to be a good father, but to tick a box that satisfies his GF.

I don't know if he's a danger to the children or not, I know nothing of his diagnosis and/or medication.

I'd like him to have a healthy relationship with the children, but the basics here are wrong for me.

His initial solution for the over nights was they all share a bed! I mean, over my dead body! I used to co sleep but have been working on this. But that's so intimate between a mother and child that I forbid another woman doing it!

All of them sharing a bed is CLEARLY unreasonable. So knock that on the head immediately.

The suicide attempt is so hard to navigate because it's so emotive. And awful. And distressing. And scary.

I guess if you had attempted suicide due to depression etc, how would you feel about him saying you couldn't spend days with the children? And would you think that was the right approach and fair on them?

I can appreciate the "better man" stuff is irritating. But ignore it (and her). If it works it will be good for your children but it's just distracting window dressing at the moment. The fact he's in therapy (however he got there) is a good and positive thing.

You want a decent co-parenting relationship. Not everyone CAN co-parent, you may have to parallel parent, but the main focus here is that you recognise a close and loving relationship between your ex and the kids is the goal.

Clearly this can't be all on his terms and you need to come up with a pattern that will work for both of you. Try to put the annoying gf out of your mind - and think about what that should (eventually) look like.

Then think about how you work up to it. No one would expect you to swap to 50/50 overnight - especially when there are no bedrooms. But think about the end goal and how to get there.

I think you will be (and look) most reasonable if you suggest a build up strategy. E.g. start with a midweek collection, supper and drop back to you on one or two days, and a full weekend day (no overnights).

Move towards that weekend day becoming every other weekend but the whole weekend with an overnight (when he has appropriate sleeping arrangements). Etc etc

Be very calm, but also fair and think about how you get your kids happily up to the right level of contact and overnights. That's all you can do.

Has he had treatment? If he is under the care of a mental health team I think they need to assess the risk to the children.

Could you contact a health visitor and register your concerns?

@Fireflygal I don't know. He told me he has refused help, I found out third hand about therapy.

I have no idea on his state on MH.

I didn't consider HV so I should put in a call

It's fair for you to ask if his Dr has confirmed he is well enough to look after young demanding children.

Also contact needs suitable accommodation so if only one bed then staying overnight isn't realistic.

@Fireflygal I feel sick at the thought. I know it's all BS. He left in December and has asked to see his kids twice! I was the one pushing it and now because he wants to make a good impression I'm expected to facilitate that despite being so uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me not to allow it, and it hasn't steered me wrong yet