Marriage crumbling post baby (bit long)

[PermanentlyTired03]

I've been with DH 10years in total and we have a 1 year old. She's been fine up until a few months ago when she started nursery- constantly has a cold and back to sleeping in our bed as she gets hysterical in her cot. I'm aware this needs addressing- easier said than done when we both work and are too exhausted for the fight (sleeps fine at nursery!).
Husband has been on and off the sofa bed due to this. Not ideal but he can't sleep with her in the bed.
Since she's been born he's been so miserable. Just pissed off with work (refuses to address with boss or transfer to another area), pissed off we can't go out like we used to (don't know what he expected!), everytime DD plays up instead of just rising above it and trying to manage the situation gets really angry and says what a shit she is and how badly behaved she is. I try to just stay calm and ignore it all, walk away from situations as I can't be bothered with the argument/confrontation. But I'm at the end of my tether now. It's been a year of being with someone who just seems to hate everything and half the time seems to resent our baby. Then gets all pissy when I don't want to have sex after he's been miserable constantly. He's not a bad dad-he plays with her and when he's not being a dickhead is a good person.

He still goes to rugby all the time, to the pub, out with friends where I stay at home constantly. Basically only get away by myself for a haircut. I don't really have many hobbies and friends so I'm not too bothered but now I'm back at work I don't get a break as he's out many Saturdays.

Wondering whether to leave. I'm unhappy most of the time. Conversation is basically limited to him moaning we can't afford a bigger house due to childcare bills, or some other negative topic. I pretty much do most of the childcare so being on my own money would be tight but not feeling like I'm in this bubble of misery might be worth it.
I'm so lonely and miserable I guess I just need a handhold and to be told things will improve. It could be worse he's not an alcoholic or abusive or anything like that. Scraping the barrel for perks I suppose!

Sorry for the long post

If a friend was describing this to you would you be wanting her to stay in such a marriage?.

What are you still getting out of this now?. You may call him not a bad dad but do you think he is at all not a bad husband?. You have certainly scraped the barrel good and proper here for good points re him.

He has called his child a shit when she has played up or is badly behaved (she is a mere one year of age FGS!!!!!). Even if she does not understand the language its his tone of voice she will pick up on and be fearful of. This is patently not how "not bad dad's" behave around their wife or their child. He is taking out his inherent misery and moodiness on you and his daughter and its emotionally abusive.

He does this because he can and he's learnt that this works for him. I would actively start planning an exit from this before he does you and your child any more emotional harm. Being free of his misery guts moods would help you and in turn your child.

What an absolute prick. I'd leave I'm afraid, I have no time for sulky men who don't step up to family life and there is no way I'd be having sex with a sulky moody man. Maybe you need to tell him all this and say you can't see your marriage surviving his behaviour, either he steps up or its over.

I think id have a firm word, give him a few months to improve (with reminders of how he's making you feel), and use the time to prep in case he doesn't step up. Parenthood isn't an easy adjustment and I think we're all pretty rubbish people the first year from the sleep deprivation alone but that excuse has a time limit.

Agree with this. It's a very difficult adjustment to make and it's understandable that some struggle with it, but cover your own back while giving him a chance to rectify the situation. Is there anyone that could have your DC for an overnight? Easier said than done I know, especially when there's sleep regression involved, but it would help if you had some one on one time and a good night's sleep for you.

Of course you should leave. It won’t get better. And it will be awful for your child.

a lovely life for you and your child beckons!

You need to sit him down and explain clearly how you feel. He sounds like he has really struggled to adapt to his new life as a dad. Has he spoken to anyone about how he is feeling, he could have postnatal depression
and is beginning to have more bad days than good days.
You are unhappy and need to express this to him. Maybe give him time to work on himself and the two of you get some time to work on your relationship. Do you have any family or friends that could look after your little one so you two could have a date night? Even a dinner out, or going to the cinema, just a few hours of enjoying each others company without the little one can really help. I know the baby sleeping in your bed is not ideal, once children start nursery, they seem to catch every little bug as their immune system develops. Try phase down to sleeping in her own room again, with you both taking turns sitting in her room until she falls asleep. Maybe if he sees you’re both making this effort then he will relax a little.
I’m definitely not excusing any of his behaviour, completely unfair for you to deal with everything. You need to speak to him and also make sure you’re having time to do something for you!

Everyone gets grumpy sometimes and snaps. I'm guilty of it as well. But it's the constant grumpiness and getting all annoyed at DD all the time. He apologises, but it then happens again and again. Blames work, generally life stresses and repeat. It's just broken record now. Must you push it on everyone else?!

I suppose I'm just delaying leaving for fear of the unknown. I wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere half decent and being all on my own with no support nearby frightens me a bit.

They say a persons true colours show when they have a baby and he's showing his.

@Hiddenvoice he was diagnosed with severe exhaustion and stress with DD was 4 months old. Had CBT which helped a lot and he seemed to learn coping mechanisms.
DD will only sleep on me at the moment it's a nightmare. I literally hover her over her cot and she screams like she's been abandoned. I left her for about 30seconds in there yesterday so I could go to the loo and it took ages to calm her down she was so worked up- hiccoughing and really distressed. I've spoken to GP and HV about it and they almost laughed it off as "oh they can be difficult" totally bypassing the effect it's having in our lives. We've taken days off and gone for lunch etc whilst DD is at nursery and it feels really forced to go out and have a nice time.

@thenewduchessoflapland I think you might be right. Makes me feel like a blind moron for not spotting it earlier!

Feel the fear and do it anyway re fear of the unknown. You have a choice re your man here, your daughter does not. What do you yourself want to teach her about relationships, what is she learning here already?. She cannot afford to grow up seeing you as her mother continually shouted and otherwise moaned at by her dad.

The fact your baby hates being left with him and doesn't see him as a safe place is possibly a sign her already understands his hostility to her.

You sound so lovely, it's a shame for you to be stuck with him draining away life's enjoyment.
Life with children is tough, but also full of joy - he's just making everything so negative I hope you can find a way to resolve this.

Your DH needs to take a growing-up pill, and fast.

This was me and my DH in year 1. It was dreadful. For a lot of people, especially with established careers, the physical and mental upheaval of a DC is immense.

You have to decide whether you want to really lay out the boundaries to him. Shared financial and practical responsibilities. Rising above frustration. Dealing with sleep deprivation. Jointly planning individual and joint downtime.

Don't gauge him by the good times, i.e. 'he's not always a dickhead'.

Gauge him by the bad times. In your pre-DC days, could he rise to serious personal challenges (if you even had any?). Can he do that now? Parenthood is often a long slog of personal challenges... ill health, changed plans, financial pressure, frustration, compromise, tedium. You need to seriously discuss the gravity of this together, and assess for yourself whether he is on board.

Then you will have your answer.

All is not lost. Despite his bad behaviour, he could still get better, a lot better in fact. You could learn new ways of coping together if you are both truly up for it. You have to assess whether you are both in this frame of mind (not saying you aren't by the way).

Anybody who can get annoyed with a baby, anybody who calls their own baby a shit and anybody who says a baby is badly behaved is a real cunt.

This response from him is really worrying.

The other stuff is just childish and selfish crap.

So, you've got a real cunt, that's childish and selfish with some worrying behaviours. What would your advice be?

I'd be scared to leave him alone with her.

I'm going to go against the grain and say stick it out for a bit longer. 1 year is nothing in the context of a long relationship and things might improve with better sleep and a slightly older child.

Get rid of him..
There's literally no point of him. You're a single parent already..

Is this a short term very difficult period? Could it get better? Maybe when little one is in preschool?