I’ve been with my husband 9 years, married since last august. Earlier this year we weren’t doing the best. He started acting weird. Being sneaky and over explaining things all the time and we started arguing a lot. Then one night he said he wanted to go and see his best friend in York so we could have a day away from each other so he could clear his head. I agreed. He went. But I still couldn’t shake this feeling I had that something wasn’t right.
Long story short, a couple of weeks after this trip, I found a transaction on our bank account for £30 from Moonpig which was odd. When I asked him about it he told me exactly what he bought, who it was for etc (guy from work’s birthday). It didn’t sit right with me so I went on to his emails and found he’d actually bought flowers to be delivered to some woman. Looked her up on Facebook, saw she worked with him. Something made me check his deleted emails and in there, I found photos of him and this woman in Blackpool together on the day he was supposedly in York. The pictures were the kind of pictures you take as a couple. Obviously at this point, I knew he had been seeing someone else.
At first he told me this was a work trip and lots of other people went. He went as far as to name them. But after a lot of digging on my part, I finally got the truth. That he had been flirting with this girl for a while at work and this Blackpool trip was a date, he was planning on going on another date with her and “see how things went” until I found out. When I did find out, I messaged the girl as I didn’t think she knew he was married. She didn’t. She told him never to speak to her again.
I was ready to walk. Being made a fool of, being betrayed, it’s humiliating. I loathe cheating and lying. But we had had such a great relationship with so many good times before this that I agreed to try marriage counselling. My husband has changed a lot since I found out what he did. He’s been more attentive, communicating better, being more thoughtful etc. I can see a positive change, and a willingness to do so. He is extremely apologetic about what he did. Therapy has helped us a lot and we’re getting on better than we have in a long time. I know that part of the reason he cheated was his need for validation. I also don’t blame myself for him doing it. He made that choice himself and I don’t sit and question “why wasn’t I enough, what could I have done differently” etc. But it still hurts. A lot.
I can be having a great day and suddenly I will picture those photos, my brain will run this little movie of them walking hand in hand, kissing, him doing all these romantic date things that I have wanted him to do with me. It knocks me sick sometimes. Wondering why he would do this to me, why he would he risk everything we’ve built. It makes me angry that every single day we’ve been together I’ve put him first and there was a period of time when he put another woman first. That I was at home doing his washing and cooking for him and sleeping with him and loving him and all the while he was seeing someone else.
It hasn’t been long. I found out at the end of March so it’s early days. I don’t need anyone to tell me to pack up and leave, that’s not what I want to do. I just want advice or maybe some words of comfort from anyone who has been in a similar position, that have been cheated on but made the decision to stay and work on things. How long does it hurt for? How long did it take for you to stop picturing it and getting upset or angry? I worry that I’ll never be able to be okay.