How to break things off nicely with someone

[Namechange212]

Hi all,

Been on around 6 dates with someone, not dtd yet. Over the past few days I’ve been thinking it isn’t really for me, on last date he told me ex thought he was controlling and emotionally abusive which doesn’t sit right. Before I really thought it through I found myself agreeing that we would have drinks at one of our houses on Friday so presuming dtd is on the cards. But I’ve decided I don’t want to, but I feel bad because he’s been nothing but lovely with me, we get on great and he’s helped me out with things such as putting up furniture and paid for meals out etc and I genuinely wouldn’t mind being friends with him, I just don’t think there’s as much of a connection that I thought there was and for the stage we are at as well.

Ive never been good at breaking things off with people does anyone have any advice?

Be honest. 'I like you and I would love to stay friends but I don't have romantic feelings for you'

Better to tell him as early as possible.

“I am really sorry but I don’t have romantic feelings for you. I don’t want to mess you around so I thought I be honest about how I feel “

Don't go into any detail about why. If he asks, tell him you don't know, you can just feel that the connection you have with him isn't a romantic relationship type connection. Keep it about what you feel, rather than who he is. That way you can make it soft on him by saying he's great and you wish you felt differently, etc, and there's no way he can argue against what you're saying/make you feel wrong.

I really value you as a friend but I’m not sure I’m feeling the romantic spark I need to progress’

(I’m shit at this too.)

Definitely a big red flag when they something like that. It's often an abusers way if testing th water to see if you'll say 'oh you're nothing like that!' Then they know they have you hoodwinked.
Its also often so they can lead on to 'my ex is crazy'.

Good on you for listening to your gut!

Heads up, doing favours for you early on can also be a tactic to make you feel indebted.

I'd just text him 'hey, so I've had a lovely time these past few weeks but I feel that there isn't the spark there that needs to be for me'

I don't think id want to stay friends based on what he said but maybe you can suggest it and play it by ear if he doesn't have a massive melt down with you or some other shit like pushing your boundaries ext.

You're 6 dates in and you've spotted a huge red flag. You don't have to be 'nice' and don't be guilted into doing something you don't want to do.

A simple text saying 'I'm afraid this isn't working for me. I don't want to meet up on Friday. I wish you all the best'

End of

Good luck btw!
Let us know how you get on!

I think I’m too nice that’s why I found it difficult. And I know I shouldn’t but I feel like I owe him something because he’s helped me and paid for meals etc (I’ve gone halves on some of them). When I met up with him at the weekend we watched a film and I could tell he wanted a shag but he didn’t pressure it at the time. But then he suggested drinks at one of our houses so he definitely thinks it’s on the cards. I get really scared of having a negative response to ending it in these situations.

You don't owe him anything.

This is just part of women being conditioned to 'be kind' etc.

You're 6 dates in, he will be fine. If he tries to guilt you into anything you know he's not a good man.

I'm guessing it was his idea to help youw with all the furniture stuff right...

Also, it would not even matter if someone buys you lobster thermador after saving your fucking life from killer aliens. Nothing entitles anyone to your body.

So what if he was gentlemanly on a few dates and paid? That doesn't warrant a bloody medal.

You enjoyed each others company whilst it lasted and now its over.

It's kinder not to string people along once you know you aren't interested in them that it is to give them false hope.

He also told me things like how he struggles with anxiety and self-confidence so that makes me feel worse about ending it

Well, he's a grown adult and you are neither his mum or his therapist so it's not your job to shield or baby him.

Just so long as you are polite about ending things and focus on it being that there just wasn't the spark as opposed to anything he had done wrong, it's fine.

Actually, Its an opportunity for him to face rejection, see that it isn't the end of the world and get back up again.

Not your problem. As pp said you're not his mother or his therapist. You don't have to fix him or shield him.

He's a big boy, he will be fine

Someone having anxiety doesn't mean that they are entitled to a relationship with you. The way to treat someone with anxiety is kindly and gently, and you can end a relationship kindly and gently. Not having feelings for him isn't a 'bad thing' you are doing. We can't choose our feelings. What we can choose is how to present them to people. So tell him calmly and truthfully that your feelings are not what they need to be to sustain a relationship with him.

If he can't handle that because of his anxiety, that's his responsibility, just like Fred down the road who can't handle his shopping being delivered late, because of his anxiety. It's not your job to save people from their own minds.

Good on you for acting on this OP.

Hi xxx, I'm really not feeling the spark between us and no longer want to meet up on Friday..

I don't know, it seems weird to say something like he did if he genuinely was controlling as it gives a new partner confidence abs ammunition if they start ti feel controlled 'well your ex said the same thing'

I’ve done it I’ve sent the message. Just said I’ve realised I want to be on my own a bit longer and what I’d love if we can be friends because we get on etc and that it’s nothing he did. I still feel awful though, and I’ve archived the chat which I know is pretty avoidant of me But it’s because I feel guilty

They just don't seem to think like that though. They are so arrogant that they think they can say it and you wont think ill of them. Because tbh they think you are stupid.

It also means they can turn round and say 'well u told you what I was like' in future if they start being shit. Basically claim that it's your fault for staying and being abused.

Its a well known abuser move. I've personally had one first hand say 'my ex told me I was a narcissist'.

But they'll say things like 'my ex accused me of hitting her' and 'sometimes I just completely lose my temper' and even 'I'm a narcissist'. Ect...things that are basically them telling you exactly who they are. Always wise to run at any sign of that shit.

Good in you op. Have a well deserved glass of wine and relaxing night infront of the tv.

It had to be done. Adulting level 100 achieved lol.

Well done, now block him for a bit. Don't feel even slightly guilty