Friends with benefits, not sure what to do

[Thebuddy]

A couple of months ago I sort of fell into a FWB situation. Met a lovely man, everything I was looking for...intelligent, funny, sweet, calm, deep and sexy. However, after a lot of talking and a couple of dates he reveals he's not looking for a relationship, just something casual. (We hadn't had sex at this point). I was extremely disappointed, i've not been this attracted to anyone in a long time.
However, I thought about it and how the situation could work for me, my last partner was extremely controlling and this could be just the tonic I need. (I thought).
But i'm confused about it. When we see each other it isn't just small talk and jump into bed, it's food, a film snuggled up, sometimes we talk about really deep things, sometimes we just have a laugh. We might go to the cinema or something like that (his idea), he likes me to always stay the night. One of us texts the other most days with mundane things. I feel that his signals are really mixed, so I asked him and he's still adamant he only wants friendship and sex.

I'm really unsure about the whole thing now, but I do know i've got feelings for him and dont want to end up hurt again!

I think you've answered your own question.
He's wants different things to you and if you hope this will turn into something more serious you will get hurt.
Doesn't matter what he's doing you are really just temporary until something better comes along.
At least he's being honest and not just stringing you a long.
We used to call it 'using you' back in the day.

It's not about whether someone better will come along, it's about the fact he fancies you and likes you but doesn't want a relationship right now.

He's not using you either as he was honest from the start. It's not personal to you or wrong so enjoy it. If you want more you can still date other people whilst having fun with him.

I'm ok with it if that's the case qpmz, I do know for a fact he's got some things going on in his life that he needs to sort out and can understand why he wouldn't want to complicate that with drama (not that i'd bring him any but he doesn't know me that well).
I'm not ok if it IS personal, because well, that just makes me feel not good enough and that's a path I dont want to go down again. The trouble is, I dont know which it is. He always treats me respectfully though, not once has he ever made me feel like some tart or put me down.

I don't think he's using you because you've initially said this can work for you too, but now you've caught feelings, I think you need to end it. It's not about whether he respects you or makes you feel tarty (that's a low bar - you're both adults and damn right he should respect you), it's about you wanting more than he wants. You'll go along with it, hoping for more, driving yourself mad reading things into what he says or does, like how you're attributing his holding back now to the other issues in his life, when it could simply be that he likes having the sex and the cuddles and all the benefits of a relationship without any of the commitment. Of course he does. And you might too if you weren't falling for him. It's hard not to with all that romantic stuff in the mix as well as the sex. So with regret, I'd write this one off. He's neither the proper partner nor the straightforward FWB for you.

I could have written your post word for word. Met my FWB on a dating site and have had dates and dinners in his neighbourhood.. he’s a nice guy and tbe sex is great.. but I’ve had to put the brakes on as I know I’m developing feelings. Maybe you need to do the same? Or ask him if there’s a chance for something more? The last thing you want is to find out he’s seeing someone else.

Well fwb don’t generally work as during sex women realise oxytocin making the woman feel attached to the man. But men don’t have the same amount of oxytocin so therefore don’t get attached like we do. So obviously the more you see him the more your going to get attached to him. Do you have DC or want more in the future? If so it’s probably not healthy to try and wait for him to change his mind. But from your post OP it seems like your giving him all the relationship benefits of going on dates (the cinema?) and having deep conversations without the commitment, with him being able to see other woman and have you. You could try telling him he can either continue having sex casually but with no staying over or any other other contact with you or he can agree to start dating and then you’ll give him the relationship benefits.

Interesting about the oxcytocin. I can confer. Tried fwb but end up feeling attached. Men.operate differently.

My advice. Invest in a vibrator.

Re the oxcytocin/ attachment I wonder how sex workers manage their job! If you want more than he does it won't work. I agree that a vibrator is agood standby. Magic wands are great..

Perhaps he does have feelings if the get together is more than just sex. You did say that he has things going on so perhaps he's simply in a place where a long term relationship is just one extra issue to cope with.

If you want a meaningful relationship with potential for a future together, you are wasting your time with this man. Thinking that he might change his mind is only going to lead to heartache and resentment. He has been clear, you need to listen.

Yes, scientifically men actually lose feelings for the woman during sex unless he already loves her. But during male orgasm dopamine is released, which will make the man like the woman but also see her as a solution to his sexual desires so may think about her only when he’s horny. However while the man is falling in love with a woman his body is making receptors to counteract with the hormones that make a man lose feelings during sex. That’s why studies showed married men had lower levels of testosterone than single men. I read a fact somewhere that said when a man makes a female orgasm the same amount of oxytocin/attachment chemicals that are released is the same as when she gives birth to her baby - so maybe it’s a good thing most men can’t make women orgasm!
(Not a specialist just facts I’ve learnt from books/lectures so some parts might be a bit inaccurate)

Honestly from my experience the only way to make a fwb situation work is for it just to be sex. No cuddling, watching movies , having food or staying over. You meet up , do the deed, casual laugh or chat and then head off home 🙈🙈 spending time together before and after just blurs the lines.

Thankyou for all the replies and for being kind! I'm heading over to his this week, he wants me to stay over again. I think i'm going to see how the night goes and try to make a decision on whether i'm ok with this or not.

I'm trying to navigate one of these for the first time too. He is moving abroad in a couple of months and wants to date and have sex. Concerned that I will fall for him. It's supposed to be a kind of refresher relationship, after a shit time with my ex. I'm being very conscious not to fall for him but it's hard.

Still unsure what to do. It's a strange situation. I have since met his mum would you believe. He asked me if i'd let her in to drop something off while he was at work, she knew of me anyway as he's spoken to her on the phone while i've been there and told her I was with him. He then went away with family (think lads break not cousin's wedding), so he wasn't bored and yet the whole time he was messaging me, sending pics and vids. I dont know if he realised but on one vid he sent of the scenery I could hear him talking about me (not in any bad way, just "yeah, i'm sending her pics of where we are" and it was definitely me he was talking about as he mentioned a text i'd sent in response). His behaviour baffles me!! If i'm just a disposable fwb why on earth would he even mention me to his family? It makes no sense at all. Confusing!

All the best op, the arrangements can be tricky, for me I've compartmentalized my feelings vs getting too attached.

I think he likes you and likes spending time with you - he's just not looking for a full-blown relationship with anyone. He mentioned you to his family because you're a person in his life and he's happy about how things are with you. It sounds like he'd be fine for things just to continue as they are, but it sounds like it feels weird for you because maybe you're thinking "if he actually likes me, why wouldn't he want it to develop further?"

I have been in a couple off these situations and they're so frustrating - it walks like a relationship, quacks like a relationship, but it isn't a relationship .

In my experience some men like the comfort and reliability of the 'girlfriend' without having the responsibility of a girlfriend, so they set up these fwb situations with what I guess is false intimacy and confusing intentions. Then when they decide they fancy something else, or a bit more freedom, they end it without the guilt of someone ending a relationship. "I was clear from the beginning!" They say.

It's really difficult. If you can understand this won't be forever and protect your heart, and you're enjoying the situationship for what it is, I say keep at it! But if it becomes too hard and confusing for you then I think it's kinder on yourself to end it (this is what I did with my last fwb 3 years ago - I'm now married to a wonderful man who never confused me about his intentions or feelings.

This 100%

You’re kidding yourself. You do not want a FWB but you’ve settled for one in the hopes that it will be more and his ‘gf experience’ behaviour will keep you on the hook.

Walk away from him and see what happens. Say you're looking for more than a fwb arrangement.

You have all the facts, but you want to change them. He can talk about you all he wants, that never changed the nature of the relationship. He has to talk to you about it, and you to talk to him. Anything else is irrelevant. You are still single toying around with your body and your mind with someone who declared you disposable. This is life not a movie, it might be simply impossible to change the definition. I would stop this relationship just to keep sane. Look for someone who shares the same values as you do. You are worth it. You have value. You can do better.