The holiday that didn't save us

[Thingsaregonnachange]

I'm writing this from my hotel room. We are on a long awaited magical family holiday that I was hoping would give us some wonderful quality time together to get away from the daily grind & give our marriage the boost that it needs. It has not.
I have been with my husband for 20 years since we were teenagers. Over that time he has changed alot and is not the man/boy I fell in love with. I'm sure he'd say the same about me as people grow and change & we were young when we got together.
Everything hasn't always been bad. I'd say it's the past 5 years as our children have gotten older. he is a very strict parent in general. This is something we clash over a lot.
On top of this he is a very serious man & there is no fun or joy in our relationship. I look around us here seeing families having fun together and whilst myself & my kids are, my husband is just on the perimeter with a serious face. He has always told me he strugges to show emotions and his face doesn't show them, but he's never been this bad. He pays for all of the material things like this holiday but I tell him all the time materiel things don't buy love. He has to show it in other ways.
We don't have sex and don't share a bed or bedroom. We don't go out anywhere together alone together.
A year ago it all came to a head & we promised each other we wanted to try again & it was wonderful. We were like teenagers again. Having sex, sharing a bed, being affectionate, going on dates. But it didn't last, life got in the way, and here we are back to square one again. I wish we had seperated back then.
A year has passed and the resentment is building. I was hoping this holiday would help but he's been exactly the same here. In my mind I already wanted to seperate but was scared because I've never been alone as an adult and we are extremely dependent and emeshed. But now I know that nothings going to change. Being in this lovely place & all the same issues are still there. My mind is now made up & I'm going to get the ball rolling when we get home. Don't know why Ive posted this but needed to tell someone

Sounds like you've made the right decision. I decided to leave my ex husband whilst on a holiday many years ago, as I realised that once I got home I had nothing to look forward to and would be back to being miserable with him.

Good luck.

Just sending all the luck in the world.
I am at the pondering stage and also hoping that a holiday away from the daily grind will help me figure out if we "work" and its just that life with 2 young kids and working full time has hit us hard or if we don't suit anymore. I'm also having counseling to try and make positive changes about my confidence and self worth.
Dh doesn't seem to want to put in the same effort though. Unfortunately no holiday booked as yet so who knows, but it feels like you are on the verge of making the decision that is right for you and just be strong about that.

I have a feeling this will be me at the end of our holiday in the summer.

Sounds like you've made your decision, and it's the right one. Best of luck to you op.

Just wanted to reply and say i know how you feel. I've also been with my husband since my teens and we're about to separate. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, this is all I've ever known and I'm a mess but I can't get rid of the nagging thought that I deserve better. It's really bloody hard but it sounds like you will be happier. Sending you lots of love and luck x

To all you lovely Ladies.... go and live the life you want... be happy and have lots of fun.

I'm sorry, OP.

I hope that you feel better once you've come to a decision.

It really does sound like it is over. I can in a remote way relate. My bf of 5+ years thro school/ uni had mostly come to an end but it was hard to break away. I wanted to travel and live abroad. He came with me. I knew before leaving I didn't want to be with him but gave it another try. 6 months in I eventually broke it off with him over there.

You can go on holiday or even move to a different country but the root problems remain the same, you're just in a different location!

You sound pretty calm about it. How do you think he will take it? Will ye be able to hopefully do this smoothly to make it easiest for the kids and yourselves?

This holiday has been booked since before covid so waited a long time for it. I have been counting down to it hoping and dreaming it would be a turning point, whilst totally forgetting that kids behave the same way whilst away, issues that were there before still will be etc. I hyped it up too much.

With regards to how he will react, I think he already knows really. Neither of a want to be the one to do it. But I can't live like this anymore

IME a holiday rarely fixes things.

We tried it - I told him I was leaving him while we were away. We’d been together since I was 18 and it IS hard. After all, you’ve spent your whole adult life with them. But I knew I had a life to lead and I was slowly dying inside.

Masses of luck OP, no one could say you didn’t try.