Need to woman up

[Tiredandfedup22]

Dh and I seperated last year, but I had hoped things would work out, even if deep down I knew he wouldn't change and we couldn't carry on as we were.

We were spending time together and still talking about our marriage when I found out in April he had gone on a date.

I was devastated and told him I would file for divorce. I feel so embarrassed by the whole situation. My vows actually meant something to me.

I spoke with a solicitor who wrote to him and asked he pay half the court fee. He hasn't, I have asked why and I think he's just being difficult.

They have chased me twice now and I just can't bring myself to make the call and pay it, though I know i have to.

I am absolutely bloody heartbroken. Still.

[cleanbreak2022]

Oh sweetie, although you 'feel hearbroken still' this for you, is a new separation. You held out hope for reconciliation and it seems as though he may have let you believe this?

So in your mind and emotions, you have never actually finished the grieving process and are now coming to terms with that. So your breakup starts now.

It is going to hurt and it's a gut wrenching pain. But time does heal. It's such a cliche but in this situation it is time.

I would pay the fee. I look at break-ups like bereavement. You need to book the undertaker and get this started, once you have the funeral (divorce) then it helps compartmentalise what has happened. You will have a date it ended and a date your new life begun.

It is painful, and it's shit, but as my mum said to me, no one ever dies from a broken heart.

Take some time and give yourself a date when you will bite the bullet. It could be tomorrow, next week or next month, but give yourself that deadline. It will get easier

[KettrickenSmiled]

Well done for taking control by putting the divorce in motion.

Try not to get hung up on his refusal to pay half the court fee.
He's gameplaying - but he can only play if you respond/chase/show upset - so drop that rope.

Reframe it in your mind - log the fact that you are paying 100% of the fee with your lawyer. They will ensure you recoup it when they draw up the final financial settlement docs.
Even if it is only a few quid - it will be there in black & white, so you can let go of any understandable frustration that he is "getting one over on you".

Treat the process of divorce like the business it is.
It will serve you well to conceal your feelings from your H, & in fact not communicate with him AT ALL except via your lawyer's office.

Do you have DC & therefore contact schedules to arrange, or can this be a totally clean break?

You should be very proud of yourself for going directly to the divorce, & not hanging around playing the Pick Me Dance & subjecting yourself to whatever version of The Script he would have given you.

Hang on in there, & keep posting for the emotional/practical support - ChumpLady is an excellent resource - (& funny, in a satisfyingly ragey way)
She'll woman you right up whenever you need womaning, OP!
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You've got this. The rage will power you through, & you will soon be free of a sly fucker.

[Tiredandfedup22]

Thanks for the replies and all the kind words and advice.

I just feel like it's being a long hard slog and I'm emotionally exhausted.

I gave him so many chances to put us first and show me that he could step up and be kinder towards me and he just kept hurting me, every single time I left him in.

He blames me for everything, obviously.

Now he has moved on to a shiny new model who will no doubt get all of the things I wanted, without having to beg.

He didn't even have the decency to tell me.

He says such horrible things about me. I can't even imagine what he has being telling her. I'm sure she is no doubt enjoying playing the wonderful woman that has rescued him from his terrible wife.

Yes dc involved. I have had nothing but threats from him re them, the house, all sorts really.

It sometimes feels like he's not happy unless he knows I'm in turmoil. It really is one thing after another.

I didn't call today, but I will tomorrow.

[KettrickenSmiled]

He blames me for everything, obviously. He says such horrible things about me.
'The Script'. See ChumpLady.

Now he has moved on to a shiny new model who will no doubt get all of the things I wanted, without having to beg.

I can't even imagine what he has being telling her. I'm sure she is no doubt enjoying playing the wonderful woman that has rescued him from his terrible wife.
She will find out who he is, in time.
She played a shitty game, she's won a shitty prize.

It sometimes feels like he's not happy unless he knows I'm in turmoil. It really is one thing after another.
Part of 'The Script' is turning you into the bad guy. Because he can't a a Good Guy unless he has fed OW - & himself - a pile of steaming bullshit.
He is externalising all the shame he refuses to feel by projecting it onto you.

You will be best off communicating with him as little as possible.
As there are DC involved, you will need to be in contact though - so have a look into co-parenting software. When you've found one you like, get it, set it up, send him a link, & block him from everything else, including social media. You do not need to be obsessing over what he is doing, especially not who he is doing it with. Going there will only torture yourself, & delay your healing process. The fewer dealings you have with him directly, the faster your recovery will be.

Co-parenting software then allows you to ONLY view his messages when you choose to. No more seeing his name flash up on your phone or other platforms. No being pushed into turmoil. And any pushing he does, any shitty comments - all stored on one platform, very handy for your solicitor's office when you start negotiating residency, contact schedule, & proving who is already doing the lion's share of the mental load, facilitation etc.

Pay the court fee, & gird your loins for battle my dear.
It will be a few bumpy months, but if you make sure you pay (remember it will all come out of the shared pot eventually) for a really hard-nosed, experienced negotiator of a lawyer - it will soon be over & you & DC will be building a new future together, free of uncertainty & (for you) his psychological torment.

[Tiredandfedup22]

You're right about him needing to look like the good guy.

I will forever be the villan in his story.

I had him blocked for a few days as I couldn't cope with his verbal and threats via message anymore.

I feel like I'm in fight or flight all the time lately. It's awful. I never know if I'm going to get the mr reasonable version of him or the one that lashes out with such venom you would think he hates me.

I've told myself I will do it by the end of the week. Just need to pluck up the courage and try not to spend the rest of the week crying!

[KettrickenSmiled]

I feel like I'm in fight or flight all the time lately. It's awful. I never know if I'm going to get the mr reasonable version of him or the one that lashes out with such venom you would think he hates me.

You need to minimise ALL contact with him to the bare bones.
Co-parenting software is your friend here.
Choose one, set it up, send him the link to inform him that this is now the platform you will be communicating on - then block him on everything else.
Then only look at the software when YOU want to eg 5pm every day - whatever.
No more stomach-lurches when his name comes up on your devices.
No more randomly timed messages or social media updates.
No more phone calls - hurrah!

It also gives you a single space for storing all comms from him, so that when he next feels like making threats -
Yes dc involved. I have had nothing but threats from him re them, the house, all sorts really. - there they are, all nicely stored with an audit trail.

Your lawyer will love it.