Feel lonely but find people overwhelming

[HungryHungryHaesten]

Does anyone else have this? Or have you overcome it?

I don’t really have any mum friends and feel lonely a lot of the time. We moved to a new area a couple of years ago and at school pickups I used to wish I could be one of the mums chatting in a group in the playground.

But now I’ve started chatting to one of them, she is lovely and is really making an effort to get to know me and invite me out for coffee but I feel really overwhelmed by it. What is wrong with me? I desperately want to be more social and have friends but it just feels so overwhelming. This isn’t new, i think i’ve always felt like this.

Can anyone else relate?

Could it be overwhelming because you don't have that point of mutual interest so you might wonder what on earth you're supposed to talk about? It's easier when you join a new community when others a new as well (like starting University). It's that much harder when the only thing you have as a starting point is being a mum.
Can you think of a woman in your past with whom you've felt comfortable being with? If so, what was it about her ?

I totally get it OP, I feel exactly the same. I watch the mums around me chatting and wish I could be the same, but when one decides to befriend me and wants to meet up and text me I find it really overwhelming and to be honest just want to be left alone.

The only people outside family I feel really comfortable with are very old school friends . I don’t have any answers but wanted you to know you’re not alone.

I think it will get less overwhelming the more you get to know them. Just take it slowly. Over time you will probs feel more comfortable with her.

You’re not alone. I am incredibly lonely. I do have a couple of friends, but I really struggle to connect on a deeper level with most people. I also cannot be arsed with most people’s shit anymore, so I just withdraw. I especially don’t trust school mums, due to being badly burnt before. I do have anxiety and depression, but is mostly well managed. I think the best friendships are the ones that aren’t high maintenance and have no expectations, but they are hard to find. I know they work much better for me anyway. Maybe you’re just not feeling it with this person and that is completely ok.

If you haven't seen anyone for a long time then like any kind of 'muscle' you are just out of practice, and it is important to get back in the saddle.
Why not suggest you take the children to park after school, that is very low key and you can talk and get to know her abit more. Once the summer is here, take a picnic and then perhaps a lunch in time without the children? Just very small tentative steps and build up your confidence. Lots of people are feeling like this after the lockdowns, you are definitely not on your own.

I threw myself into it by having too many drinks the first few times <not recommended!!>

This is exactly me

I'm the same, I have no advise. I am a very chatty person and always speak to people at the school gates, but I keep everyone at arms length and dont let people in. I don't like people knowing about my private life etc. I think mine stems from losing two best friends in the past. They both hurt me a lot and now I'm very guarded

I wonder if the feelings are slightly muddled in that ‘overwhelmed’ might also be ‘excited’

im sure you will have a lovely time and it’s only what 30/40 min? And next time invite some other to join you too and then there is less pressure on you to chat all the time?

This is me. I've become so unaccustomed to having people around me over the last six years, that I struggle to even spend time with people I already know.

I've recently been so uber busy that I've not even wanted to people. Which is unlike me.

I’m kind of like this. I’ve just sort of accepted that I’m happier in my own company, doing my own thing. There’s a few people I truly enjoy being around, I only see them every now and again and it suits me.
I hate texting, phone calls and seeing people regularly.

I suppose the difference between me and you is that you feel lonely. I very rarely do.
Society says we’re meant to be really social and have loads of friends, but maybe not everyone needs that?

I don’t really have an answer. Maybe give it a go with this woman and see what happens?

You need to decide whether the feelings of loneliness outweigh the effect required to have a friend or two.

Everyone, but you know parents especially of younger ones, is busy, juggling relationships, family commitments, school, work, friends, home, gardens, car, admin.

So one mum is chatting to you, asked you out for coffee which is a half hour to hour commitment and that's too much?

Honestly just bite the bullet and go. You may end up with a school mun friend. It's not like she is asking you to commit to a half day garden BBQ is it?

Or just enjoy your own company.

I don't think that feeling lonely is to do with needing to be around people. It's quite possible to feel lonely in company, and to not feel lonely when you're alone.

How do you keep yourself company? You ask 'What is wrong with me?' That's not really very friendly, is it? You're isolating yourself, even from your own good wishes. If you had a close friend, would you say to them 'What's wrong with you?' when they told you they had an issue like yours? It's not very sympathetic.

I think that being better company for yourself will stop you feeling lonely. What do you do for yourself on a regular basis that demonstrates to you that you love and respect you? What do you do specifically for the purpose of making yourself feel good?

I used to be like this - I almost felt an anxious responsibility to ‘entertain’ the other person. Have I been interesting enough? Was I funny? Was it awkward?

But now I’ve realised that I am happy with few people in my life, and I don’t pressure myself to be sociable. The less ‘effort’ I put in, the more natural new relationships feels.

So, I think just treat it really casual and easygoing. You can just enjoy someone’s company without it being a ‘get to know you’ session and without it being ‘productive’ in terms of talking about something useful like school or the kids. You don’t need to expect this to turn into a ‘deep’ connection nor do you need to seek to develop trust with this woman.

Have a few topics in mind, e.g. holidays, gardening, recipes, pets, diy. It doesn’t need to be intense constant conversation, just enjoy being present with someone.

Schedule just 30 mins for the meet up, if that suits you, and have a reason to leave up your sleeve, if you need it.

Have a good time - go there for YOU and get something out of it that you will enjoy, even if that is a cake rather than convo!

I am somewhat like this though older. At primary I used to chat at school gate then got close to 2 other Mums and we did weekly playdates with kids and Mums at each others houses and that was lovely for few years. Then my dauughter became the chosen one of the one child and second Mum got first Mum to break group up for seperate meets. That did not work and then I joined David Lloyd and that was great if pricey, i got fit, kids got clubs and other kids and i got other Mums to chat to. But I never felt comfortable with Mums who would call and say come out for a coffee now, it was friendly but I like things planned and not a coffee drinker. But with these Mums they are just super keen to find friends and if you can think of something you would prefer to do just suggest it. It can be worth being brave and trying say coffee once and see how it goes. Or invite them to playground with kids or whatever prefer or round your house. Only thing with round your house is they then know your address and better to know them first on neutral ground I found.

Then we moved areas for secondary and much more difficult and now I have cancer. So is worth making friends at primary and keeping them if you can. I also message people a lot and some Mums are happy just to do that though you will never be their closest friend like that but some of us dont need or want that. Do what you are happy with but dont let fear stop you either.

please google inattentive ADHD and see if this relates to you.
If you are making a huge effort to be attentive with new strangers you can get sensory overload.