Confused and sad

[ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld]

I was widowed in Feb 2019 and didn't ever think I would find love again. In Feb this year, 2 days after the 3rd anniversary of my DH's death, I met a man on Bumble, completely randomly and in reality it's a massive coincidence that we got talking as both were online for a few moments to deactivate our accounts, but I saw he had swiped on me a few days before (I hadn't checked it in a few weeks) and liked the cut of his jib.

We started talking and didn't stop for 15 hours, video and phone calling all day. We met up a few days later and got on really well. Within a week it was Valentine's Day and he drove to my house (50 miles from him) to hand deliver a card. We said at the outside that neither of us wanted to live with anyone else again, or remarry. He has been very open that he is in some respects unavailable, but he has demonstrated nothing but care for me, and never let me down.

We had a conversation within a couple of weeks saying we had fallen for each other. He hasn't led me on - his life is complicated but he shares everything with me, there are no taboo subjects. We love each other and meet up regularly, and if we aren't seeing each other in person we video call most days and keep in touch throughout the day. Our dates are lovely - he is affectionate and holds my hand or walks with his arm around me everywhere. I've met some of his friends, he's met a couple of mine plus my uncle. He isn't love bombing me - he's been very clear that he loves me but can't commit to a happy ever after.

He is neurodivergent and his delivery can be blunt, but it's well-meaning. He knows I have a complicated relationship with food, and he has started to focus on it a bit more, buying me vitamins, suggesting how I can cut calories etc- all helpful and useful advice. However he has also said that if he had met me in a pub, he wouldn't have been attracted to me because of my body shape - I'm overweight. He was also very overweight until a couple of years ago, when he lost 6 stone.

It's left me feeling hurt. How can he love me and be attracted to me like he says he is, if he doesn't find my body appealing? He says I'm very pretty and have an amazing personality and that's what he fell in love with, and the physical is incidental. He didn't expect to fall in love with anyone and doesn't want to lose me, but wants to help me defeat my food demons. I just feel self conscious and awkward now. I've told him how I feel about it, and he was upset that he had upset me, as he hadn't intended to. He has said I need to ignore my insecurities because he loves me and I'm important in his life. I fancy him so much, and worry that he doesn't feel the same ☹️

I would try hard to look at this as a positive. You say he has lost 6 stone which is a massive achievement and maybe he wants to pass his knowledge and experience on. He's obviously sensed you are not happy with your weight and food issues and he is offering to help. He has been there.

Weight is such a sensitive subject for many people and maybe this is just his clumsy way of saying he can help you too, if you want it.

It doesn't seem as though he is being nasty, from how I am looking at it anyway. I think it's maybe your insecurities that have made the massive leap to he doesn't fancy you. There's a lot more to a person than their BMI OP

If he tells you he finds you attractive, and you don't believe him, that's not a bodyweight issue, it's either that you don't trust him to tell you the truth, or your confidence is too low.

Can you talk to him the way you're talking to us? Can you tell him you struggle to believe him?

Try to let it go. It sounds like you have something really special together. People who are neurodiverse don't have the same filter as neurotypicals and he's said something inappropriate without thinking about it but it sounds like he very genuinely adores you and is gutted to have upset you.

Thanks all! I think I'm a bit sensitive about it and he hit a nerve, unwittingly. I talked to him about it again this afternoon and explained how he had made me feel, and how I knew it was coming from a good place but his delivery maybe was a bit off, which he agreed was probably the case because he has no filter. And he genuinely wants me to be happy and healthy, and wants to support me.

I guess it's just a lack of self confidence, why a gorgeous, slim, tall man would want short, dumpy me. I trust him and believe him when he says he loves me, I know that's genuine, it's just the gremlins and fizzy feelings inside that nag at me unreasonably.

I told him I was struggling with why he was with me, and he said if he didn't find me attractive, he wouldn't be in a relationship with me because it wouldn't be fair on either of us. And if I wasn't me, and was acting like someone else, he wouldn't be with me, because it's me he loves. So I'm much reassured.