Best friend from years ago, what would you do?

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

I had a best friend from when I was 5 all the way up to 25 years old. We're now 50.

She did something I considered appalling at the time, basically accused me and another friend of either impersonating her and/or stealing benefits from her, I don't know if the other friend did do this. Anyway, she more or less believed her then boyfriend who said 'Gonna doesn't have the bottle to do this', she rang me at my then work to scream down the phone to me, we met up and she then screamed at me again and we then broke up our friendship.

Since then she's done better than me, got married, gone to uni, started a business with her DH etc. She has, as she said to me, matured a lot and she's not the same as when she was younger. She came around to my mum's house one Christmas (just after) where I was staying at the time and wanted to see me - totally unannounced and I got angry and told her to F off. We connected on FB and were in touch for a bit there and sort of healed things. However, I've never had (and don't expect) an apology from her accusing me of stealing from her. She also said some pretty nasty things to me after our friendship broke up when I stupidly rang up, alone etc. I got other friends after that.

Over lockdown her mum died and there was drama around this in her family, I sent her a sympathy card, sent money to the charity her mum wanted for funeral and sent friend healing crystals. We kept in touch via text. But I'm really unsure as to if I want to see her/be friends more than that. Especially with no apology. She did have a hard life growing up and was a single mum young (at 18) too. She was my best friend and I know my mum had a big influence on her life (giving her books to read etc).

I'm just wondering, what would others do? I sort of feel like I've done the right thing and then sort of don't feel like I did the right thing. I deliberately haven't given her my home address as I don't want her calling around out of the blue either.

[Fraaahnces]

I would assume that you’ve both grown up since you were 25. That shared past doesn’t automatically mean you have anything in common now though. I think you handled the death of her mum perfectly and kindly. I wouldn’t push for more. (She may respond when things settle down with her family) or not.

[AryaStarkWolf]

I don't think I could move forward with the friendship without an apology and a discussion about what she accused you of, it's a pretty big deal what she accused you of

[Mindymomo]

So, you’ve been in touch since and although she says she has grown up, has never offered an apology. Do you think you could resume your friendship with her on this basis.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I would leave it where it is. You each have other friends, you don't really know each other as adults...I think you can value her as a childhood friend you are vaguely in touch with, but not try to make it current. Nothing to do with holding a grudge, or what she did back then, just that decades have passed you have both moved on.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@TheYearOfSmallThings - actually we did know each other well as adults until we were 25. But she'd had kids and I hadn't. I was very supportive with her though but there was only so much support I could give and do. When our friendship broke down (but it would've happened anyway) she moved 1-2 hours away by train and bought her own house.

I do think she would like to be able to see me (e.g. drop in).

[Lobelia123]

Too much drama for me. Id consign it to the past and move forward.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@AryaStarkWolf and @Mindymomo see I would like an apology because it was a pretty big thing she accused me of, and hurt me. I would never have done what she accused me of and she knows that! I also don't think I could resume a friendship without an apology, no, because I'd always know it's left unsaid.

My other friend who was involved, I think she's forgiven her for accusing her but not sure, as we're not really in touch much.

@Fraaahnces - there was something she does now which I'm interested in, and complimented her on (personal to her) and I think we do have things in common but I'm just not sure from my side (unsure about hers) if I want to revisit the friendship despite us both having matured. I just don't quite trust her after what happened and she was quite vicious with me on the phone. Me and my family were very close and supportive of her and she knows that.

[Antarcticant]

I think you handled the death of her mum perfectly and kindly. I wouldn’t push for more.

I agree with this.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@Lobelia123 - that's what I think I'm doing! Thanks.

This is one reason why she doesn't know my address (she knows my mums) - I just don't want cards, unannounced visits etc as I personally think that maybe with an apology and explanation then yes, we could salvage something but otherwise sadly not. It's just a pity as we were best friends for 20 years.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@Antarcticant - see, she got back in touch with me thanking me for the card, gifts etc via text and she actually wanted to meet up (forgot to mention this) sometime last year, but I really didn't want more than that. But as I'd known her mum of course I sent something. And I listened to the family drama.

[Antarcticant]

Immediately after the funeral might not have been the best time to meet up if family drama was still reverberating (given her volatile history with you).

Leave the ball in her court for now.

[Lobelia123]

Good luck OP! You sound like a genuinely lovely person - dont give all this any more mindshare or let it add to your stress. Sometimes people arent meant to be in our lives forever and thats ok. Many more fabulous fun and lovely people out there to meet and be friends with where the terms and history of the friendship wont be so exhausting and may actually be vastly more rewarding.

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

I think I’d just leave this one where it is. Personally, I’d be glad to have mended a relationship with her, so that you could meet at parties/in the street and not be uncomfortable or worry she would scream at you again. I’d be pleased things were calm and you could make pleasantries, as you do need the angst in your life.

But something more or a deeper friendship? I think she has to earn that by apologising. I wouldn’t trust her again. I’m sure, she’s grown up, but growing up
means taking ownership and responsibility for things.

I think you handled the death of her mother very kindly. I’d just leave it there for now.

[FollowYourOwnNorthStar]

*don’t need !

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

Thank you all so much for replying!

The other friend (I actually fell out with her too years later!) - we're actually supposed to be meeting up soon as we live nearby and I bumped into her not long ago. I'm going to ask her if she's heard from original friend and see how it pans out and what to do/say. I think what we all could do (we were a threesome at one point) is arrange a meet up (when other friend is done with grieving her mum etc) at a place where we can just leave if it got heated and do something fun/interesting rather than a place where we chat/bring up past etc.

The original friend, it really is very sad as my mum wanted to adopt/foster her at some point and she was let down by her own mum. I don't think she'd have gone into care or anything but she had potential which she's fulfilled now and I'm really pleased for her.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar - that's the thing - I just wish she'd apologise, take ownership etc of what happened in our 20s and that is totally the reason why I don't trust her now. Her turning up at my mum's house cemented that for me really. I don't know if she was expecting to see me then but she knew I spent time with parents at Christmas and just after.

[Dacquoise]

The thing is when you've been on the receiving end of this type of abuse, and from what you have said, it sounds like she was over the top and unfairly aggressive towards you, it leaves a scar. It's an unhealed trauma.

She would probably like to forget about it for her own reasons (possibly guilt) but it has left its' mark on you. I always think it's very healing to receive an apology. It goes someway towards making you feel heard and validated.

On that basis I would personally keep her at arms length. You don't actually know what value, if any, she would add to your. It's all past history and better left there.

[Dacquoise]

Your life

[KettrickenSmiled]

I'm just wondering, what would others do? I sort of feel like I've done the right thing and then sort of don't feel like I did the right thing.
What others would do is immaterial OP, as none of us have been accused by your friend, or experienced this odd is it/isn't it? friendship for the 25 years you have.
What IS material is what you actually want as an outcome.
I suspect you know (see below) - but have The Guilts.

It's all about you friend's life, how your mum wanted to semi-adopt her, how friend went on to do well, how friend's mum died, what you sent friend, how much listening time you gave her about that ...
& not so much about you, & how you genuinely feel.

I deliberately haven't given her my home address as I don't want her calling around out of the blue either.
Bingo.
You don't really want to meet up with her in person.
You were uncomfortable with the "turning up at my mum's" thing.
The only meeting you have envisaged with with Friend 3 (of the 3 of you) in tow.

I don't think it's about receiving an apology.
I think it's a sensible wariness about someone who was so volatile as to make that awful accusation 25 years ago - realise she was utterly wrongheaded - but then spend the next 25 years signally not offering an apology, but expecting you to be available for her when she wants emotional support.

Do what you WANT & what makes you feel most comfortable.
Forget about what 'friend' wants. She is not trustworthy. You do not need to feel guilty about doing what YOU want & not what SHE wants.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@Dacquoise and @KettrickenSmiled - both really good points and thanks for making them.

I really was a bit traumatised (first by being accused, then a phone call at work, then meeting up with her and finally ringing her and getting more abuse!) and I was so lucky that I made some new friends including another 'best' friend about 6 months to a year later who never behaved like this one did.

@KettrickenSmiled - I do feel with my friend, well I just wish she hadn't downright accused me and ruined our friendship, that's what I wish! It was made blindingly obvious (I can see this now) that she was jealous (she said this to me) that she'd had kids so young and had now met her dream man who was naturally wary about settling down young himself with her and her kids. And that I didn't have this to think about.

That's the thing. If she'd said 'sorry' to me or even tried to at my mum's then I'd have maybe (even though I was angry with her) tried to have listened to her and accepted the apology, but she turned up literally like nothing had happened, with her teenage son with her.

The thing also is that I'm not sure even now if she still thinks she was right to accuse me. The one thing she was really angry at me for, was telling my other best friend at the time that she'd accused us both. My other best friend had just had a baby, was in a relationship with an abuser (that finished quickly) and could've done without the stress of being accused - I still don't know if other best friend did do this. I don't even know if my best friend who accused us both of doing this was making up this lie to get attention or something like that. It's a mystery!

From this, though, I think it's best to leave sleeping dogs lie and if anything does happen in the future and we meet, then I'll deal with it as and when it happens. It's good to hear from people to say, no, don't accept this, etc. Rather than others who've said, it's years later has gone by, just leave it. Because the thing for us, back when we were teenagers - is that we were all very good/best friends and didn't anticipate this, we had each others backs and we expected to stay best friends for our entire lives.

[GonnaGetGoingReturns]

@KettrickenSmiled - I don't think my friend expected me to be there for her when she wanted emotional support - well partly when her mum was ill and then died but when her brother kicked off about the will she did seem to want support and I just thought, what can I do/say/listen to. And no, I didn't feel like offering much from the bare minimum of emotional support at that time. I had been in regular touch all over Covid 19 and the lockdowns though.

[letitcomedown]

It takes a lot to reach out to try to mend fences, and sometimes in the distant past it's not 100% clear who was at fault to the other party (though it is to you).

In my mid-teens 35 years ago, I had a friend who I had literally saved his life and introduced him (I'm male too) to a lot of new things. He, for some reason I still don't understand became incredibly hostile and - while I can't be fully certain it was 100% him or he was involved in some of it - started a campaign of low level harassment - silent phone calls, etc - which had an oversized impact on me and my mental health.

He reached over during covid via social media for a chat, and I decided to do it, out of curiosity more than anything . He didn't apologize directly but did go over all the good things I'd done for him when we were growing up, and we talked about how messed up we were in general. I internally took that as an apology; now we're friends on social media, I would be OK with meeting up as part of a group and do feel a good sense of closure.

The key point is the apology might not be saying "i am sorry I was wrong". In this case I think the apology might have been her turning up to try to talk to you. That must have been tough to do. But I totally accept why it might not be enough

[BoDerek]

I think you have gone beyond with the card, money etc around her mother’s death.

It’s fine to leave the friendship. You owe her nothing. I wouldn’t think twice about it, so what works for you and stop being swayed by emotional pressure.

[Monty27]

I'm thinking I'd be glad there's no connection anymore and move on.
Find new friends OP 👍🏼

[WibblyWobblyJane]

For me, even with an apology things would never be the same.

I had a falling out with a friend around age 27. We’ve reconnect but I just don’t feel like I know her anymore. It’s nice to see her occasionally I guess but I’m not that invested.

[ElenaSt]

You said 'she's done better than me' which is irrelevant information for us but does indicate you feel some resentment.

I would keep on friendly terms over Facebook but I wouldn't open the door to let her back into your life.