Ex is seeing someone, I don't want him back, but feel awful

[LoveHiking]

We broke up just over a year ago after 4.5 years together. He's now 59, neither of us ever married, I was his longest relationship. There were a lot of red flags in the relationship that I ignored - he'd criticise my home, car, my driving, music taste, lack of kitchen utensils to be a great cook like him - constantly praised his own cooking, never mine. He always had to be right, spoke over me at times, never told me he loved me. He'd a lot of good points also and I wasn't perfect. I've now heard he's seeing someone else and I feel upset - I keep thinking this will be the one for him, even though he's had lots of relationships and ended them all similar to me, even though I thought I was different. Should I be glad to be away from him?

I'd feel very very sorry for whichever poor sap is lumbered with him now.

You are free. Free from all his critical nonsense. Hooray.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Hes unlikely to have an epiphany at this age and more likely to either end up alone or realise he's not going to attract anyone else so cling like a limpet to the last woman who'll put up with his kitchen utensil obsession.

Yes of course you should be glad hes gone! He constantly criticised you, why did you put up with that for so long? - is a question you could ask yourself . You must know there are people out there who will love you and say supportive things every day and prefer your cooking over theirs.

Also he sounds like a complete bore

This is a normal reaction OP.

We always think 'what if'. What if they have turned over a new leaf and are now Mr Wonderful? Trust me, it doesn't happen.

This may help;

natashaadamo.com/can-people-change/

These men never change. There was nothing wrong with your driving, music taste or anything else. He just liked to put you down and put himself above you. He will absolutely do this to whoever he is with.

If its any consolation, I had the same reaction two years ago. He's still with the woman as far as I know and not only do I feel sorry for her, I worry for her a little, from what I've seen she seems really sweet and placid, perfect for his controlling ways. I dread to think what goes on behind closed doors. I hope she is happy (couldn't give a shit about him) but I also hope that if she isn't that she can find support from somewhere like MN and doesn't feel trapped

In any case you'll get to a place in your head that you'll just accept you weren't compatible and the initial shock will fade

In a perverse way I was almost pleased my exes relationship after me ended in him getting arrested it sort of proved to me that it wasn't me it was him (he got arrested when we split also) my advice it get therapy if you can because looking back this wasn't a normal reaction!

Why did you think you were different? Could it be your ego talking here? Especially with worrying the new person he may be seeing could be the ‘one for him’? Sometimes there is something quite compelling about the idea of being the one to ‘tame’ an unreliable or difficult person.

Thing is though, mostly people are who they are and don’t change significantly because of another person. They may put on an act or similar for a while, but change only usually comes from being actually unhappy with who you are. Doesn’t sound like he is, so the chances are that if his longest relationship by the time he’s reached his fifties is a handful of years, this will be his pattern moving forward.

However, should this person turn out to be the one for him it doesn’t mean anything bad about you. It just means you were not right together and it sounds like he didn’t treat you that well anyway.

Thanks for great advice. I suppose I feel a bit silly because it took me a long time to stop feeling heartbroken, and although I'm past that stage now, I still think about him/ how cold he was at the end a lot, and now he's moved on.

He doesn't sound very nice and you know that really don't you that his behaviour towards you wasn't nice. Be glad your free, feel sorry to the woman he's with now.

Your better off out of it. Think of it as a lucky escape, at 59 he'll never learn and will always be like this. Give it some time and she'll be sick to death of his criticising. Also given his attitude and age there won't be many more rolls of the dice left for him. Relationships should be about bringing something in and enriching your life not devaluing you.

I feel this every time I think about it still 🤷🏻‍♀️ It just makes no sense that he gets to be happy and I’m still broken from his shit. Sometimes I’m fine and other times I just hate it. He was suicidal and a drug addict and sometimes I feel it would have been better if he wasn’t here anymore.

I knew this day would come and I've been making slow but steady progress, so hopefully this won't set me back.

You should be elated that this miserable prick isn't in your life anymore. What a waste of oxygen he is.

As well as saying he'd never loved me, something else he said was he'd always known I was more into him than he was into me. This was very hurtful, and I'm reminding myself of it now to know I'm better off without him.

Good advice I got is to keep reminding yourself of his bad points... they'll be there no matter who he's with.

Yes and I'm reminding myself that he's gone from relationship to relationship all through his life and, after thinking I was different because it was his longest, maybe this new one won't last either.

I know a man like this. He looks good from the outside (attractive, intelligent,solvent) so I can see how he attracts women who all hope to be the one that will be different.

However he is abusive, which creeps up over time. He lovebombs to secure the relationship but once he senses commitment he devalues (becomes criticial) and then discards - this is when the coldness kicks in. One ex was such a wonderful woman, stunning and intelligent but he still treated her badly.

Some people are incapable of having a healthy relationship so repeat this pattern over their lifetime. They are unable to function without a partner so will always be in a relationship. The man I know was on dating sites immediately and within 2 weeks was in a new relationship. I feel so sorry for the new woman as she appears completely unaware of his toxicity. If she has sense she will dump him once he starts the subtle devaluing.

The way to get over him is to understand and believe your reality..he wasn't a nice person who treated you well and you deserved better.

Should I be glad to be away from him

What over-arching authority does that 'should' come from? It's the same authority that made you think you should overlook the red flags. But there are no 'shoulds', and that's why you ended up staying in a relationship that wasn't good for you. You were following guidance that doesn't exist, that you respected more than you respected your own feelings.

So, use your feelings as the rules. Don't question them: you feel what you feel because that's who you are. That's who your heart is. All you have to do is respect your feelings, and consistently, and take good care of yourself in the consequences of them.

So, right now, you feel crap. It doesn't matter whether you 'should' be feeling crap or not, there are no rules. Your feelings are the rules. Treat yourself in the way you'd treat anybody else who was feeling crap, and wait until it goes away. It never rains forever.

It's a case of getting used to him being with someone else, I suppose. As I said, I'd never go back there but am kicking myself for ignoring flags and staying so long with someone who never told me he loved me. I know, realistically, he's unlikely to be a changed man now.

What's the point in kicking yourself? Isn't that a waste of your time? Turn it around: he gave you a good lesson in what not to look for in a partner, and you learned it.

I had an abusive relationship a few years back, and I've said many times that all I'd have to say to that person was 'thank you', if we ever met again. I mean, I wouldn't actually say anything, but I'm so grateful for the lessons I learned in actually listening and responding to how I felt, it's changed my life. One thing I've learned is never to kick myself: I did what I did at the time for reasons I had back then, and I respect myself for that. Respecting yourself is the key to the whole thing. Lack of self respect is why you feel bad now: lack of self respect is why you stayed with him in the first place.

None of this is about him. He's just a generic bloke who doesn't treat women well. It's all about you.

Yes, I've leaned a lot. I wasn't very experienced in relationships before this. I doubt I'll ever get involved with anyone again though.