How do I get over him?

[nonstopsally]

(Name changed for this).

I split up with my ex almost a year ago (we were engaged) and were together for nearly 4... and just because I ended it doesn't mean I wasn't completely in love with him ... I just KNEW he wasn't happy and wanted more and I couldn't handle the guilt of not being what he wanted so I ended it.

The first 6/7 months were HELL. I felt all kinds of emotions... anger/hurt/sadness/abandonment/not being good enough for him... He was the one person who I told all my fears, the abuse I had gone through in my past, my anxieties and he promised he wouldn't ever treat me like that .... but it crept in......Despite that I adored him. I absolutely loved him.

Now it's coming up for a year, all those previous emotions are coming back up. I still love him, I still miss him, I still miss his face, talking to him, texting, seeing him .... I am overwhelmed with that horrible empty feeling in my stomach...

I can't move on with anyone else (he has, with several women). I don't want to have him back, I just want to be able to stop loving him.... I want to be able to wake up and not miss him next to me.

When we split he blocked me by every means possible so I can't ever speak or get in contact (which is a good thing)...

Any advice how to navigate my way through this. I'm 46... I should know better by now but this is by far the hardest breakup I've dealt with and I've been through a divorce!!!

Thanks.

I felt like this about last ex for nearly 2 years. I loved him so much and he was my best friend but we couldn't make it work.
No advice I'm afraid, but it did get better with time and I'm fine now and happy with someone else. It took over a year tho.
The first year was the hardest as I was always thinking 'this time last year'.
It will get better. I feel for you.
I tried to sort everything I could control, changed jobs as I wasn't happy lost weight, social life sorted health out (hrt, counselling). Not sure how much it helped but it was something.
I also have no idea why I was like that for the first time at 47...

@HeatherShiver

I'm so sorry you went through this too. The pain is unexplainable right now. It's not even 6.30am and my heart hurts .... :-(

I truly thought he was 'The one'.. after having other failed relationships I believed he was different ('cause he told me he was!)... My sadness is overwhelming.

I'm glad you've found happiness now, just like I'm pleased he has found what he really wanted - unfortunately I'm stuck in a place where I am still mourning the loss of my relationship x

Exactly the same as @HeatherShiver

You have my sympathies, it's horrible to go through but it will pass.

The only answer for me was time. I worked on myself physically and spiritually in the meantime (meditation helped a bit). I also used to write in my diary ' how are you feeling today' for a date 6 months in the future, it was a tip I read somewhere, eventually (a couple if years in, the answer was OK)

Have you had help to process your past traumas, by the way, if not that's something you could start with.

You should be so proud of yourself. I know you feel lonely now, but it's a million times more lonely in a relationship where you know you're not suited. You're a million miles away from the feeling that you're not good enough for him, that he's settled for you. You sound like a lovely person, and you're genuinely mourning a loss, possibly what you wanted it to be, rather than what it was. It'll take time, try to make the best of that time, distract yourself and keep busy. Start with changing your room about or decorating, even get new covers for your bed, make it YOUR room, tiny steps away from the memories of what it was. You've been so brave to realise it wasn't what you needed ❤️

It's 15 months since my 5 year relationship ended and I still wouldn't say I'm completely over it. Although I'm past the crying all the time and feeling heartbroken stage, I still think of the cold and callous way he ended our relationship a lot. I had stopped doing a hobby I enjoyed but have recently got back into it, which is a good distraction. I was so hurt and heartbroken like you, was angry at being strung along, and I would never take him back, but I know I'm slowly getting there.

This is a good read, OP, it's full of common sense:

natashaadamo.com/win-your-breakup/

@Teatimes2

I completely relate to losing interest in hobbies. In the beginning of lockdown I really got into spirituality and reading a lot of books about the subject ... however just a few weeks before we split my son attempted suicide, so with that and then the breakup I completely lost my love for what I was really into... I've only JUST in the last month got back into reading again.... however painting (another love of mine) I still haven't managed to do ... makes me really sad that I am so broken by this.

I'm pleased you're slowly getting there x

@TripleSeptic

Hi... it's funny you say that about changing things.. When my divorce happened (many years ago now), I literally redecorated the entire house... My ex and I didn't cohabit so I don't feel like he was 'here' as much, although I've made minor changes like buying new duvets and removing things that I really associated with him.

Thank you for your suggestions, really appreciate that you took time to reply x

@Pegasaurus

Hi! Before we split I was meditating twice a day (just something I loved to do)... Thankfully in the last few weeks I'm slowly getting back into it.

I've just finished a 12 week course of therapy for dealing with my sons suicide attempt and the breakup that followed only a couple of weeks after, however, she's referring me back to therapy for more complex help as I seem to be 'not coping well' with any of it .....

Thank you x