Stopped sharing a bed since baby...

[RainbowJoe]

Having read through a few threads I'm sure this seems very mundane, but I'm looking for a bit of reassurance.

Baby is 5 months old now, but still doesn't sleep through, he wakes twice in the night for feeds.
The trouble is, my husband snores terribly. Its genuinely never bothered me, after years of sleeping beside him it became my white noise, but it disturbs the baby. He's fine when he's in a deep sleep, but after a feed the snoring stops him getting back to that deep sleep stage and then comes of the crying and thrashing around.

Once we get to that stage the baby will only sleep soundly whilst being held. Co-sleeping isn't an option, husband sleeps too deeply. And so because baby won't go down with the snoring, and husband can't help but snoring, my options are either, sleep elsewhere, or don't sleep.

I know people sometimes sleep with baby on them, but for context, I follow lullaby trusts safe sleep guides, after our daughter was still born 3 years ago, we both have anxiety about SIDS and babys safety.

For a while I just toughed it out and didn't sleep, but that obviously wasn't sustainable! Now I sleep on the sofa, and baby sleeps beside me in the moses basket. I do this of my own choice, DH offers to take the sofa every night but truthfully I've gotten used to having quick access to the kettle and being able to walk around with baby if he's fussing... also DH gets up for work very early and Id rather he gets a decent night if I'm going to be up and down anyway! So that's where we're at!

It kind of works for us, for now... but the longer it goes on the more anxious it makes me. I miss the spontaneous intimacy of sleeping side by side, I miss the closeness, the cuddles, the pillow talk and laughing about the day before we drift off.
I know babys change things, and we're so grateful to have this beautiful baby boy in our world, but there has to be a better solution?

My husband has been my best friend since we were 13, even on our darkest days he's found a way to pick me up and make me smile. Until 2 weeks ago I'd never even seen him so much as glance in the direction of another woman! He doesn't even comment on celebrities on the TV because he knows I find it disrespectful. But right now, when I feel crappy, and my body doesn't look or feel like my own anymore, and I really need that closeness, we're sleeping separately and I caught him checking out women twice in a little over a week! That's so unlike him, so alarm bells ring, and I want to get thos sorted ASAP.

Any suggestions? DH hasn't been to the doctor about snoring, he has tried snore strips, they rarely work, tried rolling over etc. All that rubbish. And I've spoke to DH about the wandering eyes too, he politely denies it but I know what I've seen and I'm not even annoyed, just concerned.

Also... I know people start moving baby into nursery around 6 months, but again, I'm not comfortable with this, I want baby beside me with his breathing monitor plugged in.
Xx

I think those early months with a new baby are usually difficult in lots of ways, so well done for finding a way through it so far!

My wife and I have two kids. We slept in separate rooms for 9 months with DC1 (taking turns to be in the kid's room), then went back to sharing a bed until DC2 was born. I've been sleeping on the couch most nights since then (2 years) - it just seems to work better this way in a lot of ways. I don't usually snore but I do move around in my sleep, and also I wake up much earlier than my wife. (I used to try to creep out of the room at 4am without disturbing her, and didn't always succeed.) Now it just seems normal to sleep apart. I spend time with her in her bed after the kids go to bed, so we can cuddle and talk and have intimacy then, and then I go to the couch to sleep. When I'm asleep I'm really out of it and have no idea where I am or anything, so sleeping next to someone else doesn't feel like I'm spending time with them really.

Drives me mad when the snorer gets the bed and you have to move….

I'm sorry to read what happened to your first baby.

So based on my own experience I have got a few ideas...

Why doesn't your husband seek treatment for the snoring? Although you say you got used to it sleep changes so you may well have been effected by it at some point without baby coming along.

My baby is 10 months and we do shifts because she wakes at least 4 times a night (11-6) up to 10 times on a bad night and can take up to an hour to re-settle. So one of us is with her and the other in a different room to get some sleep. Then after a few hours we swap over. I'm breastfeeding so obviously I do the feeds but thanks to baby sign she makes it clear when she's woken for milk. Whilst I definitely miss my husband neither of us could cope with being woken up so frequently.

We also use a breathing alarm that doesn't work if you co-sleep so that isn't an option here either. We moved baby into her own room at 8 months but we have a single bed in there so whoever is on shift is with her. Is that an option for you?

Have you considered putting a twin size bed in the nursery so at least that way you can get more rest? Since we had our baby I've been sleeping in the nursery with ds. I was starting to miss dh and intimacy so last night I snuck away and slept with dh for three hours. I was anxious about leaving baby alone so I didn't even reach rem stage. Ds is only three months so letting him sleep alone in the nursery is not ideal. After sleeping with dh for a few hours I have my confidence back. I also have an infant monitor that is mounted above ds crib.

I remember being worried about this with my first baby. But truthfully, it's not forever. You do whatever you can to muddle through and then one magical day, the baby will be in a separate room and you will have your space back! It feels like forever but it's actually only a few months (years). If sleeping on the sofa works for you - do it! Try to find another time when you can cuddle with dh. You'll get your snoring lovely back before you know it :)

I’d urge you to seek some counselling over SIDS anxiety. People move their babies into their own rooms at 6 months because the research demonstrates that it’s perfectly safe to. Breathing monitors have also been shown not to decrease the rate of SIDS, but do increase parental anxiety. The quality of your marriage and ability to rest, ultimately making you a happy person and happy mum, is the most important thing you can do for your baby. I am very sorry for your still birth, I don’t doubt it’s one of the most traumatic events that someone can go through, but seek help in it exacerbating your fear of SIDS and letting that fear run your life.

I made the snorer move so I’ve got a super king all to myself 🤣🤣

Honestly, you speak very well of your husband but right now he’s not sounding like such a prince. Why is he letting you take the sofa (even if you say you’re used to it?)
Why has he not sought help for his snoring?
Why can he not do shifts with you so that you at least get some uninterrupted sleep? I used to go to bed about 8/9 and DH would take DD for as long as he could - usually till at least midnight, then bring her to me whilst he went to sleep, then take her again from 6ish. And give me longer at the weekends.

Cosleeping could still be possible even with your husband sleeping deeply, as the baby should be on the edge of the bed, then you, then husband. I can totally understand you not wanting to do that, personally I couldn’t cope being sandwiched between them so we did cosleep but DH went in the other room. But in theory it would still follow the Lullaby trust guidelines for safe cosleeping if you wanted to try. (We had the next to me cot on the side of the bed, she never actually slept in it but it made me feel easier about her being on that side).

Honestly this bit is really hard, it’s not forever though. There are other ways to be intimate and find closeness, and the priority really is to get as much sleep as possible in these early months I think.

It sounds like you and DH have been through a lot together. I really doubt that someone who has been your support for so long is suddenly going to look elsewhere because you’re having to prioritise the sleep of your tiny baby and yourself in this intense and exhausting period. Keep talking, have a cuddle on the sofa in front of the telly, a quick snog in the kitchen, take the baby for a walk in the sling and hold hands and chat. It’s not forever honestly.

But don’t sleep on the sofa. Get a single bed / mattress in the nursery if possible (and put DH in it whilst baby is in with you if needs be). Do you just have the two bedrooms (we do!)? Is there no other way to get a bed in somewhere?

Breathing monitors have also been shown not to decrease the rate of SIDS, but do increase parental anxiety.

^ this is rubbish. We still barely know anything about SIDS apart from risk factors. Just last week there was research published by indicating a link to lack of an arousal hormone, which the authors concluded may mean some babies fall into a deep sleep and stop breathing. Those babies would likely benefit from an alarm, we just don't have the evidence yet.

The human species has survived by sleeping in the same caves as our babies for thousands of years. Shipping them off to their own room was fashionable from the Victorian era on to show off wealth and status. There's no need to be separated from your baby just because they're six months old OP. You do you.

Thanks so much for reaching out 😊 I do have anxiety over SIDS, possibly more than I would have had we not lost our daughter, but who's to say? I guess I'll never know.
I will say though, there's a lot of discussion about whether breathing monitors do more harm than good when it comes to parents anxiety, especially in the loss community, but for DH and I it gives us the confidence we need to get some shut eye, be it together or separately. Of course a monitor won't decrease the risk of SIDS but it will certainly alert us in time to resuscitate, God forbid we ever need to.

DH has a son from previous relationship who would slip into fits as a baby, he grew out of it early on. And I have very clear memories of seeing my youngest brother turn blue a few times and seeing my mum frantic on the phone while the emergency services talked her through what she needed to do. So we're both very aware that things can happen suddenly and without warning, ignoring the risks (for us) feels... irresponsible- I think that's the word.

Ofcourse, it doesn't help the sleeping situation! But it isn't a compromise I can make xxx

Did you even read through her OP though? He offered to go on the couch, the OP said she'd rather be on the couch near the kettle and be able to walk round when she's up with the baby.......

OP, it's still early days, hopefully the baby will settle down soon and start sleeping through the night and be able to be in his own room.

As for intimacy and affection with your partner, try to take advantage of naps, cuddle on the couch watching a movie

Also, I'm very sorry about the lose of your daughter