So done with life

[Leanne1191]

I'm a single mum too three boys have been since July 2020 had a really shitty break up with my ex husband too.

Been through alot if honest....

I have no control over my children, they don't do as they are told, they don't listen to me, they give me abuse and it's horrendous. My eldest is the worst he's been diagnosed with ADHD and I've had nothing but trouble from him constant meetings with the school, exclusions, he's on the verge of being permanently excluded he's currently doing two hours a day and it's not going to be upped, he's had a manage move which he failed and I've been told he will end up in residential care because he don't do any work when he's there in the two hours and still doesn't behave he's disruptive and is rude to teachers he walks round the school the lot, he's always shouting vile horrible things at me always punching and kicking things, constantly hurting his brothers, using bad language, threatening to slit my neck, threatening me that he's going to hit me and he's going to do this and do that, he says I'm a crap mum and he hates me and don't want to live with me anymore, it's constant every day and I'm so drained! His brothers have now picked up on all this and are doing the same! They're becoming uncontrollable thinking they can also talk to me like that and call me names and say nasty stuff too! I'm really struggling and I don't know what to do? I've had no help I've even emailed social services because of how much I can't cope with it all.... I'm at my lowest ever and I just don't want to do it anymore it's really hard and I never wanted this life? I can't do this on my own anymore and I give up, my mental health is bad and I’m getting all these nasty thoughts about not being here, I’m on anti depressants but I’m struggling really struggling.

Just want to get in my car and drive and never come back......or even worse just leave this life. 😞😔

I hear you. Please know that you're not alone. X

Youve not said what rewards and consequences you use. What system do you have in place for dealing with poor behaviour? How do you reward them? How old is the oldest?

My goodness, that sounds really REALLY bloody tough!
i am sorry I don’t have any practical advice for you, but I’m sure someone here will

sending kind thoughts

(fat lot of use they’ll be! But the sentiment is there. I hope things can turn round for you. Maybe a couple of days away, just to build your own mental strength back up might be an idea? I appreciate this might not be possible)

If you can start breaking it all up, and dealing with bits at a time, it will seem a little more manageable.

have you asked for parenting classes from social services? What help did you request? I find you need to be very specific.
what medication is your oldest on? Does he take it? Is he speaking to anyone like a counsellor? If not, can you arrange this?

Eldest is 11

ive tried star charts, reward charts, days out for good behaviour, staying up a little later when they have behaved, praising them for good behaviour, getting them treats for good behaviour, screen time

time out in bedrooms for bad behaviour, no screen time, no treats, no pocket money, early bed tiles for bad behaviour

I don’t get any time to myself, I don’t have family that help me. I always have one child with me because the other two go to their dads my eldest is with me all the time 😞

Your story sounds like mine and I have really struggled, as has my husband. It's had a massive strain on our whole family and I have felt as you feel now. As a mother you feel like you have no choice and you feel judged ... but When you are in hell, just keep on walking. It probably doesn't help much right now but please know that things will get better. My daughter, now 16, has been expelled from five schools and is currently doing GCSEs at a special school for kids with social emotional and mental health problems. She also has a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. And it's hard work. It really is hard work. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I have hope that one day she's going to live independently because sometimes she's actually quite nice. The way I see it now, which is much easier with years of experience, is that it's really hard being her. And it's really hard being you Because the story you are in, it's not a story you wrote for yourself. Can you take some time out, can you just go somewhere and breathe? Please seek help.

Please ask for help. There are a lot of people who won't understand your reality and give good intentioned crap advice which doesn't help at all. You need support from people who truly understand where you are. There are some great Facebook groups have been a great source of comfort to me. I'm not sure I can do to help myself but please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve done parenting classes, I’ve asked for counselling but they discharged him as he wouldn’t co operate and walked out, he takes his meds it don’t work his ADHD nurse won’t change it as it’s been upped constantly over the last few months. I went to the doctors he said he will grow out of it and calm down.

Pretty shocking advice from the doctor!
He may well grow out of it but you need help now.
If he's violent with you, call the police. It sounds shocking but it kick starts support. Soon he may well be bigger than you so you need to protect yourself. Police intervention will usually mean SS get involved. You don't need to press charges so he won't get a criminal record
Never minimise how bad it is. The people who get the help are not the ones being polite about it.

It sounds to me like there is more than ADHD going on - push to see the paediatrician and firmly suggest some anxiety meds. To be honest, it hasn't worked for us but a friend's son is a different child now he's got his anxiety under control.
*am not medically trained

I think he has more than ADHD I think there is mental health too he’s been through a lot but it’s hard work and I’m struggling and it’s not helping with the other two picking up his behaviour and thinking they can do the same. He’s being assessed for Autism too he hasn’t hit me or gone to so far but I do worry about that I’m just feeling extremely low at the moment and I’m really struggling

Poor you OP, I don't blame you for feeling at the end of your rope.

I am no professional but it struck me that your eldest might be feeling very left out if his younger siblings are going to their dad and he has no contact with his. Perhaps jealousy is driving his bad behaviour to them, and he's expressing anger and resentment towards you because he can't take it to his bio dad or his ex step-dad.

It does sound like more than adhd and I wonder if you've tried a love bombing approach with him? I know it can sound counter intuitive and like you're rewarding bad behaviour - but it's important that he knows you will always love HIM even when you dislike his behaviour.

What you're doing now isn't working so you've got nothing to lose trying a different approach, right?

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

Are there any family support services in your area (not social services)? It would be worth finding out what services are on offer from charities and other local organisations as these can be a great source of support.

What county do you live in?

I'm so sorry. That sounds so, so tough. I have no experience in this area, but have you tried opening up to your kids and telling them how hard it is and how much you need teamwork and love and help from them? Just have an open and vulnerable conversation and speak to them on a level. Depends on their age of course and whether you think it would work!

hi OP, it’s incredibly difficult. I had a son who was a wrecking ball in many ways, and nothing I did made any difference. The stress was a killer and no-one understood 😞. All you can do is be as strong with social services as you can (he is affecting you and his siblings), but other than that all I can recommend is to put yourself first.

Because pretty much anything you do will make little difference. It’s there underlying issues that is the reason, whether diagnosed or not. One way or another he will leave home in a few years. And you will be gradually released from the stress and start living more. I counted the days, like a prisoner on a wall. Stay strong. Demand help (from SS). One day you will not have to deal with this in this way. Take care .

Oh, that sounds like such a lot. I’ll try to be brief, but here’s my plan

1. find a break. However little you can, however you can, to regroup and breathe a bit.

2. kick up a stink about help. Your GP gave awful non-advice.

3. get support for you. Even if it’s just someone to let off steam to for half an hour a week. Even just feeling heard can be such a relief.

4. Ross Greene’s ‘explosive child’ is written for children with these sorts of challenges. It’s a different approach, but the usual ones don’t seem to be helping, so it’s perhaps it’s worth a go? It’s what works best for us, although I find it heavy going with difficult girl.

5. is there a chink, no matter how small, of something positive to hang onto. Does he like sport, or gaming, or dogs, or music - anything he finds enjoyable that you can use to build something positive with him. His life sounds awful, he could well feel terrible and is taking it out on everyone around him (which is not OK and awful to live with) but imagine living it. Relationships are built on shared experiences, not discipline. You have to build a relationship to have influence, and that has to come from positive, shared experiences. I bet there haven’t been many of those for a long time. Finding them is a tough brief, but pays huge dividends (which is why I have two delinquent dogs, am reading teen vampire fiction and bake chocolate chip cookies every Friday. They’re all awful (well, the dogs are sweet, but messy, expensive and naughty), but I’m not about to turn down an invitation to be in a teen’s life)

I’m sorry it’s tough. I hope you can find support, and that things improve.

There are lots of people involved even my youngest two’s primary school have got involved as it’s affecting them now and we had a TAF meeting

I have tried opening up to them and saying about it being team work etc but that has no effect I have literally tried everything and nothing is working.

He don’t want to do anything I said about hun, football, karate or even boxing he has no intention of doing anything he’s very lazy doesn’t want to do anything if he don’t have too even asking him just do little things there’s a massive huff and show about it he just wants to sit in his room and play games all the time which is why I’ve had to decrease time on it he don’t want to go out or do anything with his friends nothing it’s hard work I don’t get a breather as I never have a break. It’s extremely hard work and when you’ve tried everything which I feel I have and nothing works you just feel deflated and defeated 😞

Eeksteek, I agree with lots of your points, but re. the Explosive Child I tried literally everything to no avail, ultimately. It made a couple of good points (eg. punishment is usually counter productive with children with these underlying issues who cannot cope with their frustrations), but most of it made no difference. No strategy helped, I found, which is very hard for people to understand. I did share with a family member when it all got too much which helped me a bit, and detaching with love, when I was able. In the maelstrom of everyday life this was hard to do. I felt sad for my son but the stress it caused me was something else. I also think OP should also think of ways she can enjoy life when she can, as she deserves a life too.