Don’t know if I can cope with the negativity?

[Insfuelly]

I’m really struggling at the moment. Been with DP a few years and he’s always been a bit of a workaholic. Everyone assured me that when he had responsibilities, like a family, he would definitely embrace it and it would release him from his workaholic mindset and he’d be much more the good fun man that he can be… when he’s not serious and grumpy from work.

I should say that I really did fall in love with DP. Naively now I think, I fell for the fact we could talk about anything, I loved his work ethic and that he wasn’t into going out all the time drinking or going wild on stag doos etc. He was a calm sort of man and I loved that. Also a great sense of humour/quick witted and we just go on very easily, enjoying the same things.

I guess after a while I did notice that he can be quite…sullen, I suppose. I never considered that it would get to me really, I have good friends and a busy job so it never impacted me much and I felt DP was my quiet place, which I enjoyed.

Anyway, we discussed ttc and it happened before we expected it to! But all has been fine, he’s come to scans etc and I’m now four months. However, whilst he’s been great during morning sickness and cooking me food etc, his mood has largely stayed the same and as I’ve been working from home not feeling too good, I’ve been around him more/seen other people less and I am astonished at the impact it’s having on me. I must stress that im quite hormonal and have been feeling things strongly anyway, but this feels different… like fuck I’ve made a mistake.

It hit me mostly when I was considering a termination and was going to do it just because of the state of the relationship, not because I wanted to. If he was jovial and happy and upbeat more often, I would be in such a different mindset. I keep going back to the day I was at the clinic and almost wishing I had taken the tablets. Yet I know I can’t do that, for me personally four months in is too far and it would destroy me. I’ve seen the scans etc and I just don’t think I could do it now.

But I also feel almost sure that this won’t last unless i effectively sign up to accepting his miserable outlook indefinitely.

it is something i have raised with him angrily, in frustration, and calmly, but nothing changes. He can be good fun but that’s become perhaps 5% of the time.

ive also checked nothing else is going on and he did say he’s feeling under pressure with the baby and that it ‘almost felt too soon for us’ (I’m 34, hes 41!) but he’s not said that recently and just acting like work is the be all and end all. I had also suggested I would probably want to relocate eventually, maybe in a few years, closer to family and that seems to have rattled him a bit.

I know this my issue and I knew when I met him that he wasn’t exactly someone who bounced off the walls but I am getting so depressed with his attitude to everything. He sighs, shakes his head, rarely smiles. I am so sad I’ve fucked up haven’t i? I don’t know how things will be ok.

Its not just me he is like this with, he’s been known to sit with a grumpy look on his face with my family and friends too. But he’s a decent man, a kind man. My family and friends like him. It’s hard to explain but the mood is so low around him.

I can't see how he would change. He's a grumpy workaholic. Sorry.

It was naive to think you could change his personality, yes.

Given that you do actually live him, could you attend relationship counselling together? That was something that helped me understand that I wasn’t responsible for my DH’s moods, which freed me up from the stress of his grumps.

• do actually love him

Years ago I dated someone who was so negative about himself I ended things. I have enough problems myself without dealing with wall to wall negativity. I tend to be glass half empty myself so need someone who has a different outlook.

Have you asked him whether he's actually happy/what would make him happy?

OP,

I am sorry but this is who he is.

This is his personality.

A grumpy workaholic.

Unfortunately you are completely unreasonable to think or expect him to change.

This is who he is.

This what your life will be like.

Except with a child if you continue.

I don't think he wants the baby.

I think you need to forget about him and really start thinking about your life, your future and what you want.

Sharing a life with a grumpy man?
His misery will suck every bit of life fr you and your relationship will not survive.

You will be left co parenting a child with a workaholic who will unlikely see a lot of the child.

It will be you that will be doing it alone.

If you feel at 34 you are so desperate for a child that you are prepared to go it alone, then carry on.

If you feel fxxk it, I want to get off this train now before its too late, then reconsider a termination and get out and move forward.

You still have options.
You don't have to do this.

Apologies if the above is harsh.
This is the moment to be brave and think hard and honestly about your one life, your future and what you may be settling for.

As someone who broke up with someone during a pregnancy I feel safe saying its much easier alone than with someone its not going to work with. Sounds like your relationship with him will not work. But a co parenting relationship might?

Workaholics are just another version of addicts - people who’s behaviours negatively impact on others.

Whats his relationship history and family background.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This should be a joyous time - it’s fleeting - don’t let anyone or anything rob you if that.

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's so tough, hoping someone will change but it's fundamentally who they are. You can spend your life hoping he will meet your enthusiasm but he may never will.

Having a good work ethic and being responsible are lovely traits to have though. Do you find you balance each other out?