Planning a Family

[LongDistanceLife]

I’m in a relationship, only one year in but living together (with some bouts of long distance for the next year). I’m very happy in the relationship but it is early days, obviously.

He’s 30 (but with some abnormal sperm analysis) and I’m 33 female. We would like two children together and aware it could take a while, but on the other hand, chance means it could be immediate.

We are considering when to stop contraception with this in mind. I don’t feel quite ready yet because I want to ensure we know each other very well and are totally committed, but also don’t want us to run out of time. I think it is very likely (maybe naively) I will spend the rest of my life with him. It might be years of trying and fertility treatment, but of course, I could also end up with a child within a year in a relatively new relationship.

Do I throw caution to the wind?

Why the rush if you are unsure? Marriage is the commitment, especially important when children are involved, is that on the cards?

No, you don’t ‘throw caution to the wind’. You are talking about creating a human. Do you and your boyfriend have a deeply secure foundation yet? If it’s commitment you’re after - perhaps marriage would be a good idea.

Yes, I think I’d like marriage but also would be gutted if we wait so long we don’t have children. I think he is the man I will marry. We’ve talked about not getting married until after children in case we need to pay for fertility treatment.

I never really understand the whole waiting due to finances to fund the big day. You could get married before for a few hundred quid at a registry office if you really wanted to.

Regardless, you don't know him very well just a year in and feels like a hell of a dice to throw considering you're talking about bringing a baby into the world.

Not sure it's fair on the potential child to 'throw caution to the wind' when it comes to them being created.

Get married first. If they baulk before the wedding then at least you know they are qre not scared of commitment. For some men, having kids is not considered any kind of commitment as they still see child rearing as women's work.
So once you've had kids they think thats you stuck anyway so they don't have to bother their arse marrying you and they can still fuck off any time they like.

I'd plan the wedding for a year from now and start trying after it if all goes to plan. But never risk kids without marriage if you you certain you want marriage in your future.

*if they don't baulk

What?! No. Of course not.

And throwing caution to the wind, as you put it, is the opposite of “planning a family”.

You're talking about creating a new life, which you'll both have responsibility for until you die. Not buying a gerbil. Don't throw caution to the wind.