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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do about exSIL

3 replies

BackToTheTop · 23/05/2022 16:44

I’ve know my exSIL for nearly 20 years now, I’ve been divorced from her DB for over 8 years and have a teenage DS. My SIL has a school age DC and an adult DC. She’s estranged from her DB due to his awful behaviour towards her and her family, and DV was the reason for me divorcing him.

She’s always been really friendly towards me, and I like her. During the first year or so, after I split from her DB, she was an amazing help to me, she helped out with the odd bit of childcare and would give me company on the days out with the kids, and general be a friendly face to talk to. But as expected we’ve drifted over the past few years. I’ll maybe see her and the dc a couple of times a year, usually instigated by me, as I want my DS to have a relationship with his cousins, which he won’t get via his DF.

The last few times I’ve suggested meeting up she hasn’t been able to make it due to various, valid reasons, but I feel it’s now always me reaching out to her. I recently asked if she was free a certain weekend, she said she couldn’t make it as it was too close to her DDs wedding, but was I coming to the evening do. I explained we didn’t get an invite. I thought maybe due to covid they’d reduced the number of guests and I wasn’t expecting one. We exchanged a few pleasantries after that, ending with me asking her to let me know when she was next free and we’d meet up. That’s the last I’ve heard from her. Should I just let it go now? Her DC have birthdays soon, should I get them something? I really enjoy her company but I’m not sure the feeling is mutual any longer and I don’t want to be one of those people that just don’t get the hint.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 23/05/2022 16:47

TBH I would just leave it.

Personally I’m getting fed up of people saying that they’re happy to meet up but never being able to, and me always being the one to make contact. I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to bother.

If it’s personal and they haven’t said why then I can’t be expected to be psychic, and if it isn’t personal and they’re just being flaky then tbh people need to realise that eventually people will drift out of their lives if they don’t make the effort sometimes.

BackToTheTop · 23/05/2022 16:51

@AlternativePerspective
That's kind of where I am now, I used to be a huge people pleaser and would always be the one making the effort and travelling to see people. Ive had a bit of a revelation the past few years and realised I don't have to do this anymore and it's no great loss. just wanted to make sure I'm not being unreasonable to no longer make the effort.

OP posts:
ItWillBeOkHonestly · 24/05/2022 08:11

Sounds like it's best to just drop it! However if you'd like your DCs to keep in touch with their cousins, just encourage them to send birthday/Christmas cards. That's a simple, non-obtrusive way of keeping in touch and in the future, all the cousins might form friendships independently.

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