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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you feel if a friend says they are jealous of you?

18 replies

triphopaway · 23/05/2022 09:33

Firstly I'll start by saying I'm not here to boast about anything, I'm very average in pretty much every way.

I'm just trying to work out how I feel about two friends (they don't know each other) who have both said they are jealous of me.

First friends vv academic, several Cambridge degrees. Second friend same career as me, both of us did masters degrees to train in our profession, him 25 years before me so he is very much more experienced than me.

I went through a traumatic bereavement a few years ago then retrained in a new career. Studied a masters degree, passed with a distinction that I was really pleased about.

Basically put my life back together. Both of these friends have a habit of kind of passive aggressive behaviour, they'll put me down but in such a subtle way it's hard to call out. I've read about covert narcissist patterns and I recognise both of them in this, it's kind of back handed stuff but they can also be lovely.

I've got a bit more direct lately and asked them if there is an issue when they've been like this. Weirdly, both of them have told me they are 'jealous' of me almost like it's an accusation and my problem.

Academic one is apparently jealous I have a career I now love (which I worked bloody hard for). The other one he told me he's jealous i have a family and that I experienced career success so soon after graduating.

I have a history of making poor friendship choices, probably in part due to my very strange upbringing.

Anyway, I basically think if they are jealous that's a them problem and that by telling me this they are putting it on me. And I don't think good friends do that.

Can anyone relate? Have you ever had a friend talk to you like this?

OP posts:
Sswhinesthebest · 23/05/2022 09:36

Definitely their problem.

Just respond mildly “I do appreciate that I’m lucky that I’m in this situation” and then ignore.

Make sure you have boundaries and don’t allow others to treat you how you wouldn’t treat others.

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 10:03

OP,

I think that if you are anything more than very casual, occasional friends with these people, you need a rethink.

They are not real friends and that jealousy will colour how they view you and will mean they do not sincerely wish you well IMO.

Start focusing on other friendships.

Original poster
triphopaway · 23/05/2022 10:11

Thank you both that's really helpful.

They were really close friends but I think it's harming me having them close to me. So much stuff goes on beneath the surface but if I try to address anything they both will just go silent and ghost me until I try to get back on their side again.

OP posts:
Starlive23 · 23/05/2022 10:14

Well, really my thoughts would be that if I had a friend who went through a bereavement, then retrained and got their life to a good place, would be that I was proud of them and happy for them. No room for jealousy.

Well done OP on your achievements and like PP said, maybe re-think these friendships if possible.

frozendaisy · 23/05/2022 10:22

You could also say "I haven't made my choices to make anyone jealous".

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 10:23

The good news is that you can just leave them to it.

They don't wish you well.

They would see something bad happen to you and probably be quietly gleeful.

Good friends would be proud and cheer you on.

They are close friends but NOT good friends.

You are 100% wasting your time with them.

Original poster
triphopaway · 23/05/2022 11:22

Thank you. It just struck me that no one else in my life says things like that. I need to move on from them both.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 23/05/2022 11:38

The older I become the more I have come less tolerant of some friends jealous behaviour. Annoying relatives you put up with, but friends are a choice. No need for a falling out, just reduce contact. I try to choose fountains for friends these days, can’t be doing with the drains. Jealousy eats away at friendship.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 23/05/2022 12:56

triphopaway · 23/05/2022 09:33

Firstly I'll start by saying I'm not here to boast about anything, I'm very average in pretty much every way.

I'm just trying to work out how I feel about two friends (they don't know each other) who have both said they are jealous of me.

First friends vv academic, several Cambridge degrees. Second friend same career as me, both of us did masters degrees to train in our profession, him 25 years before me so he is very much more experienced than me.

I went through a traumatic bereavement a few years ago then retrained in a new career. Studied a masters degree, passed with a distinction that I was really pleased about.

Basically put my life back together. Both of these friends have a habit of kind of passive aggressive behaviour, they'll put me down but in such a subtle way it's hard to call out. I've read about covert narcissist patterns and I recognise both of them in this, it's kind of back handed stuff but they can also be lovely.

I've got a bit more direct lately and asked them if there is an issue when they've been like this. Weirdly, both of them have told me they are 'jealous' of me almost like it's an accusation and my problem.

Academic one is apparently jealous I have a career I now love (which I worked bloody hard for). The other one he told me he's jealous i have a family and that I experienced career success so soon after graduating.

I have a history of making poor friendship choices, probably in part due to my very strange upbringing.

Anyway, I basically think if they are jealous that's a them problem and that by telling me this they are putting it on me. And I don't think good friends do that.

Can anyone relate? Have you ever had a friend talk to you like this?

Bitter and jealousy go hand in hand. It's a dangerous trait as people who feel this way would rather sabotage you than see you succeed.

They've been horrible to you, admitted it, and told you why.

In my opinion jealously is pathetic and lazy. Instead of being jealous of my friend who won the lottery (hypothetical) I buy lottery tickets and maybe learn about how to increase my odds.

Instead of being jealous of my friend's personality, I work on my own.

But they seem to want to marinate in jealousy and bitterness, and push a friend away, instead of working on themselves.

You don't need this in your life, at all.

Why do they keep you around? I'll tell you why, so they can be there to enjoy it when you finally fall, which they expect you to.

Instead of letting them wait for this, cut all contact with them and don't give them the satisfaction of waiting for you to fail.

Dammitthisisshit · 23/05/2022 13:05

Yes I can relate.
not with friends, but a family member. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that they were jealous that it fell into place. The comparisons, the ‘well I haven’t had that’ comments.

I was really hurt as I though we were close, and those that I’m close with I’d never entertain 1-up-man-ship. I’m genuinely happy when things go well.

these people are not your friends. Sadly it’s time to drift away, or even better call them out on their comments.

5128gap · 23/05/2022 13:07

Well, given life is fundamentally unfair and we don't all get a fair share of the cake, it's very much part of human nature to feel some pangs of jealousy about people we feel have it better than us in some areas. I feel very jealous of my friend who's mum is still alive for example. I can't help it.
Yes, you worked hard for what you have, and had other challenges, but they probably percieve themselves as working hard too, with their own individual struggles.
So, just being jealous of you isn't a problem imo. However if they're not nice to you because of it, that's definetely a problem, and you should choose whether of not to continue the friendship based on how you're treated.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 13:19

I would just say ‘yes, I’m incredibly proud of myself’ and mean it because you really should be.

They aren’t friends if they can’t see how amazing you are.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 23/05/2022 13:24

How have they been telling you they are jealous? Tone and context are key here. for example if I visit a friend and say “wow, what a view you’ve got, I’m so jealous” then all I’m saying is that it is a great view that lots of people would enjoy.

Nothingiseverything · 23/05/2022 13:36

I think you may be reading too much into it. I might say 'aw wow, you're going on holiday tomorrow. I'm jealous.' I'm not actually jealous. I would just be saying 'lovely!' and sliding done enthusiasm.. Or if a friend gets a new cute kitten I may say 'oh lovely. I want one.'. I don't actually want one or I would get one but on the moment I'm thinking the kitten is lovely and I'm happy for my friend. I doubt your friends mean they don't want your to have those things. They are just acknowledging that they think these are nice things to have.
Underhand comments about things on the other hand would annoy me. I have a friend who is always getting digs in. She clearly hates me and enjoys trying to make me feel bad. I would have nothing to do with her if she wasn't part of a group of friends that i can't cause a fuss in because I love the others.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2022 14:22

I was gonna say narcissists admitting who they are before you even mentioned your suspicion.

Normally people don't tend to like to admit ugly feelings. Narcissists feel they are entitled to them and that they are somehow your fault.

I'd step back from both these people. Especially if there have been other signs. They do not want good things for you and will likely try to ruin your happiness and success out of spite, give half a chance. They are not friends.

Original poster
triphopaway · 23/05/2022 14:45

Nothingiseverything · 23/05/2022 13:36

I think you may be reading too much into it. I might say 'aw wow, you're going on holiday tomorrow. I'm jealous.' I'm not actually jealous. I would just be saying 'lovely!' and sliding done enthusiasm.. Or if a friend gets a new cute kitten I may say 'oh lovely. I want one.'. I don't actually want one or I would get one but on the moment I'm thinking the kitten is lovely and I'm happy for my friend. I doubt your friends mean they don't want your to have those things. They are just acknowledging that they think these are nice things to have.
Underhand comments about things on the other hand would annoy me. I have a friend who is always getting digs in. She clearly hates me and enjoys trying to make me feel bad. I would have nothing to do with her if she wasn't part of a group of friends that i can't cause a fuss in because I love the others.

Thanks I appreciate the thought.

Its definitely not the friendly kind of complimentary 'jealous' comments.

One occasion was a rant, the male friend had been really dismissive about a recent sporting achievement I told him about (I wasn't boasting just expected a friend to be pleased for me as I always am when my friends achieve something, as I am when he wins a tennis match for instance.)

He was sherry about it so partly in shock and partly to diffuse the tension I said "meh your just jealous" and he went in to a full on mask off rant about yes I am fucking jealous of you living your wonderful life, so no I'm not going to say something nice.

The Cambridge academic friend said she was jealous of me doing something I love while she does something She doesn't love. She has a more lucrative and prestigious career than me and is more than capable of retraining and taking a pay cut if she wants to be like me so honestly I just found that one confusing.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:34

Both of these friends have a habit of kind of passive aggressive behaviour, they'll put me down but in such a subtle way it's hard to call out

You don't call people out on this sort of stuff. You identify that they're hurting you, and you stay away from them. No need to analyse them.

itsakindofmagnet · 23/05/2022 22:17

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:34

Both of these friends have a habit of kind of passive aggressive behaviour, they'll put me down but in such a subtle way it's hard to call out

You don't call people out on this sort of stuff. You identify that they're hurting you, and you stay away from them. No need to analyse them.

Yes

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