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Original poster

13 Mississippis

22 replies

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 09:24

Ok so it’s a bit of a tongue in cheek title but its making me feel really uncomfortable.

There was a large international family meal yesterday, first since covid and many of the attendants were drinking. My Sil becomes brash and bossy and a bit of an arse when drunk. She only handles these events drunk so it’s not unknown for her.

As we’re all leaving the usual prolonged goodbyes and hugs begin. She grabs my partner and hugs him. That’s not unusual but the length of time she was clinging onto him made a few of us really uncomfortable. He did try to pull away and so she pulled him closer and he didn’t resist, he went along with it. My eldest child (13) counted 13 Mississippis so even they were aware of how long this embrace was going on. Eyes were rolling. It was embarrassing for us all.

I’m well aware he’s an autonomous adult
and he should have pulled fully away and I’m seriously pissed off with how he reacted and we need to have words about that but I’m also really uncomfortable with how my SIL does this regularly when we do meet up, I assume knowing it makes me and others around her feel uncomfortable. She does enjoy how being attractive can get people to do what she wants (her words). Her true self esteem is rock bottom.

Regardless, My kids shouldn’t be bloody counting the length of a hug. I shouldn’t be hovering waiting for them to end their fucking embrace. My brother seems oblivious or just doesn’t care but I feel it’s really inappropriate behaviour and I don’t really know how to address it or who to address it with.

I’m not laying the blame solely at her, my partner is equally as responsible. I just get annoyed at both that they don’t seem to care how others feel about this PDA. If they want to run off together then I just wish they fucking would do it instead of leaving me wondering wtf if anything is going on, feeling awkward and embarrassed.

I know as he’s my partner I have a partner problem so I don’t need that drummed into me but my brothers wife is also a problem because she’s family too. We all have kids
who love each other. My mum is aware of my SIL awkward PDAs with my stepdad too (and he’s no oil painting) so it’s not really just me seeing it. I do feel she does this for her own self esteem and I feel bad she needs that kind of attention to feel worth but in the end I need to look out for me and my feelings and how bad it’s making me feel.

How do I address this without them gaslighting me and saying it’s in my head?

OP posts:

Original poster

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 09:25

Should point out for those who don’t know about Mississippis - it’s a methods of counting seconds, which doesn’t sound long but it’s achingly long when you’re trying to leave and everyone is watching.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 09:27

I’d say you need to let it go. How long your partner hugs her is up to him.

Original poster

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 09:34

KangarooKenny · 23/05/2022 09:27

I’d say you need to let it go. How long your partner hugs her is up to him.

Really? So if your partner is in a close
embrace with someone else’s wife while you all wait for it to end, that’s ok?

genuine question.

it made me and my kids feel uncomfortable and if my being uncomfortable at a prolonged embrace is unreasonable I’m willing to accept that but I don’t know many who would be happy with it.

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 23/05/2022 09:37

Is it your brother's wife, or your partner's sister?

Original poster

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 09:39

AlisonDonut · 23/05/2022 09:37

Is it your brother's wife, or your partner's sister?

Brothers wife.

OP posts:

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 09:40

It is odd, op. She sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare, but I don't know what your dh could have done really?

MargosKaftan · 23/05/2022 09:40

Read it as brothers wife.

Your DP, is he the dcs dad? I would say that you think its strange, does it make him feel uncomfortable? If they are his dcs, id say about the kids counting as they've notice aunty x keeps doing long hugs with just him and perhaps he should talk to the kids about it.

The pair of them are enjoying the attention and the uncomfortableness of their respective partners, which is shitty all round.

GroggyLegs · 23/05/2022 09:47

If they want to run off together then I just wish they fucking would do it instead of leaving me wondering wtf if anything is going on

This feels a bit of a leap - are you saying it as a joke or is this genuinely what you're thinking?

Personally I'd have walked over & said something along the lines of 'can I have him back now SIL, he's got the car keys' to try & diffuse the weirdness.

billy1966 · 23/05/2022 09:53

If your partner is the father of your children and allowing them to see this it really is very poor.

Your SIL is what she is but your partner is humiliating you in front of your children.

I would get the Ick for him.

Your poor children must have felt uncomfortable watching this, and it's not the first time.

We teach people how to treat us.

What have you taught him and what are you teaching your children?

CallMeNutribullet · 23/05/2022 10:03

What did he say when you discuss it with him and mentioned the kids had brought it up?

Overthewine · 23/05/2022 10:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

failing40s · 23/05/2022 10:09

Seems odd OP. I've just counted 13 seconds and imagined hugging someone for that long in a room full of people saying goodbye to each other after a family lunch.... It felt like a long time!

cottagegardenflower · 23/05/2022 10:16

What does your DP say? Does he say he likes it/embarrasses him or what? Sometimes you are too embarrassed to pull away and suffer it.

Fenella123 · 23/05/2022 10:20

My take on it,
YES she's a weirdo, but it may just end there.
Have a word with the DH and DC later on, say,
"I know Auntie Batshit hugs people for an ... unusually long time, but don't draw attention to it, that's not polite. And if someone does that to you, pat them on the back and step back once you've had enough hugging - don't let them force more on you than you're happy with."
Hopefully DH will get the message as well as the kids ;)
But unless there's more to it you haven't mentioned, just put it down as her being peculiar and don't worry about it. A lot of people are odd or annoying I'm afraid and there is often not a lot we can do about it apart from avoid them a bit more...

Original poster

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 11:04

Yes he’s the children’s father.

I don’t want to say he’s too embarrassed to pull away because he’s a grown man and she isn’t some wicked woman with superpowers who is keeping him there. It’s all choice. If he’s more concerned about the social implications of saying stop to her than he is about not making us feel uncomfortable with his actions then we have a problem.

I don’t think it’s my responsibility to teach him social etiquette, he’s in his 40s 😂😂. Are we still considered responsible for the behaviour of our OHs in 2022? . My kids however have been brought my up understanding consent and body autonomy and I’d hope they’d realise and respect physical and emotional boundaries.

OP posts:

ExtraOnion · 23/05/2022 11:48

It was a drunk hug … unless her hand was reaching down the front of his trousers, I can’t see what the drama is about.

5128gap · 23/05/2022 13:46

There is nothing you can do about her, so really no point in analysing her motivations or feeling (fake) 'sad' for her.
All your thoughts and actions need to be on your DH and his behaviour, as he is the only one of the two accountable to you, and the only one you're in a position to influence.
If the hugging is inappropriate he needs to pull away. If he refuses or makes excuses, I'd assume he doesn't dislike it as much as you do. Either way, just tell him what you expect from him in future.

Maytodecember · 23/05/2022 15:36

If your SIL was drunk, or on the way to it, maybe your partner didn’t want to cause her to comment, react in some loud way if he pulled away?

declutteringmymind · 23/05/2022 15:46

My SIL is like this. Always flashing her boobs at my husband. Talking about how she knows some woman was eyeing him up, putting his picture up on Facebook and tellling how this MUST be his profile picture etc.

My husband just ignores her. She just always shows herself up.

Best to ignore and gently request your husband to draw a line where he can. I'm sure the rest of the family can she her for what she is.

Maybe speak to your brother? He can't be enjoying it.

ImAvingOops · 23/05/2022 15:58

I think you have a good understanding of the situation - your sil is fucking weird and your husband allowed you to be embarrassed by not dealing with it.

I'd deal with him first because it is a problem if he was enjoying it and if he was oblivious to your embarrassment (or worse, didn't care). If he was oblivious then he damn well shouldn't be! Make clear your expectations going forward.

Then I'd talk to my brother and ask why he is okay with this and tell him she's embarrassing and making social occasions uncomfortable.

Original poster

StandByYourBam · 23/05/2022 18:37

Thanks all.

we did speak and he was aware of trying to pull away and her pulling him back in for the hug but according to him he thought it was just her being drunk and was worried it would cause a scene if he didn’t let it run it’s course 🤔 and that there was nothing in it for him. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that any future goodbye hugs are quick backslaps like everyone else gets or I’ll make a huge fucking scene and embarrass them both at a minimum. He’s well aware of my feelings on this matter and anything cropping up again I’m done. He should be more concerned about my self esteem than hers.

He is oblivious to flirting (yes it took us a long time to get together because he didn’t realise) but that’s no excuse because he’s been told before that’s what she’s doing.

As for not bothering considering her motivations or feeling fake sad (it’s not fake I find her sad I feel for her difficult background, I don’t agree with how she deals with it), if she were a work colleague or gym buddy I’d totally take the approach that it’s 100% all on him whatever happens as she owes me nothing but she isn’t a stranger. She’s my sister in law. She’s married to my brother, mother to my niblings and aunt to my kids. My parents have taken her on as one of their own. She’s entwined with my entire family so if something does happen between her and my OH (or any other male in my family) it’s not just my relationship going tits up, it’s an entire family in turmoil and yes, she bears responsibility for that too. The whole work wife thing is bullshit but ultimately they’re usually strangers or at most an acquaintance, this woman is a member of my family & I have to see her at family events.

I spoke to my brother earlier to check if everything was ok between them and he laughed it off as her being drunk and annoyed with him but they’ve had issues in the past with her going back to chatting to ex’s when things weren’t going well between them and if her way to get back at my brother for annoying her is to throw herself at the other men in our family then that’s shit. I need to consider how to approach that without him being an arsehole about it.

OP posts:

5128gap · 23/05/2022 19:04

Sorry OP for some reason I was reading SiL as your H's brothers wife. Although I see you clearly said your brothers wife. I agree that makes a difference to how responsible you feel and makes it more awkward for DH. I think in your shoes I'd speak to my brother and say your DH finds it awkward.

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