Turning 30, getting divorced, hopeless.

[EffedItAllUp]

I’m going to be 30 this weekend.

I have an almost 2 year old son.

My marriage is toxic and painful. I’m just heartbroken by it - we have been together since we were kids. I’ve accepted it’s over but it hurts so much. He told me he wasn’t going to do anything for my birthday because we weren’t getting along. That hurt.

My estranged Dad died last year. Then my Aunt died. I have handled both of these things very badly. Nobody seems aware.

I’m only just getting over PND and an awful pregnancy and newborn experience during covid.

This week my SIL, who I thought I was quite close to, didn’t invite me to her hen party. I suppose this might be because I didn’t respond about another event but I didn’t have the heart to tell her, or anyone, how bad things are in my marriage. It’s this horrible secret I’m carrying around. In any case it has really hurt me. I feel so shut out.

I have had friendships but I never maintain them. I’ve carried lots of shame since childhood due to abuse. And I have big problems communicating.

I’m tired of my life and only want to stay alive for my son.

I don’t know what to do.

I guess I just wanted to let things out.

Can’t sleep but I can’t read and run either. Big hugs OP. And a big hug for your son too.

I’ll check back in the morning.

OP if you're still online wave your hand.
That's a lot of stuff to deal with.
I don't have much left myself in the tank at the moment but you can tag me when you're back online and I'll answer.
Take care of yourself.

It’s good you posted here. You can let it out and so many will have been through similar.

I hope you will do some nice things for yourself for your birthday. You are young and there is so much time and life ahead of you, this difficult time will be in your rear view mirror and you will marvel at how you got through it.

Keep posting.

You have a lot on your plate objectively, plus a huge burden of understandable sadness. Is there anyone IRL you can reach out to - your mother, a sibling, even a colleague? If so, I recommend sharing with them your marriage woes. Once they’re out in the open, even with just one other person, I find they’re easier to structure and process.

let your 30th birthday be the marker for you taking a big step forward to improve your life by ending your marriage OP. in the grand scheme of things, 30 is young. You can do this

I’d not expect the SIL to invite you if you’re divorcing her brother.