Bad timing when ending awful relationship

[Ella15]

I ended a five year relationship 6 weeks ago. He was a commitment phobe and refused to make plans to progress things by moving in together. We've been on/off for the last few years having more or less the same argument. He knew I wanted this and I would be able to do all the things he wanted me to do, like holidays, theatres, gigs etc. if I could share the cost of living (he's a higher earner and has much more disposable income than me) but despite saying he loved me and my dd he just couldn't bring himself to take that next step. So five years wasted and feeling used and lost and my self esteem at the lowest ebb I ended things. Explained my reasons then blocked and deleted, more to help me feel resolute about things and not leave channels open. However, it was just as his mum was starting treatment to help prolong her life after being diagnosed with terminal cancer earlier in the year. I'm feeling more and more guilty about my timing. I miss him too and struggling every day not to text and ask him how his mum is doing. He will be thinking I'm an absolute b*h for cutting contact at the time that I did but do I just live with that and leave him to it? Or reach out to see how his mum's doing? Tell me what to do wise mumsnetters.

Sometimes you just have to make things about you. If you had waited for the ‘right time’ then you would never have left.

You know what you wanted from the relationship, he didn’t step up. You have done nothing wrong.

I’m not sure about contacting himto ask about his mum, would he take that as you having a change of heart. Can you contact her direct?

i hope things work out for you

There's never a right time. I ended my marriage and the next day my exHs grandad died (it was unexpected) and I felt absolutely awful that he now had two devastating things happen to him at once. However, I found reminding myself of the reasons I left to help me...there will always be something going on in someone's life and you can't just sit and be unhappy while you wait for a so called 'right time' x

The day I had planned to leave exh his dgf died. I still left....
Put you first op.
About time you were a priority.

You’ve made your choice so it’s kinder to leave him alone and let him move on

Are you friends with his mum OP? If so couldn't you reach out to her privately?

It’s time to focus on you and put yourself first, OP. He has done so for himself all this time. He hasn’t done what’s best for you. He has chosen not to step up and do right by you. Constantly leaving you hanging. Sitting on the fence about you.

You've made an important step forward. Keep going. Don’t look back. Yes it will hurt and you will grieve. It will take time to heal and move on. Keep busy and surround yourself with loved ones and treat yourself every day.

I had a very similar experience. I decided to end things with my ex of 16 years when his dad was dying of cancer. His dad's illness was completely unrelated although, to be honest, it did make him even more difficult to live with. I felt guilt about this for a long time after, and he made sure I felt guilty too. But, everyone at the time told me that for my own sanity and health, I had to just do it regardless of the timing. And, awful as this sounds, the fact he was pre-occupied with his dad probably made it a little easier. I don't regret it now one bit but the timing was really just very unfortunate.

He can think what he likes. He wasn't interested in meeting your needs, why are you feeling guilty for not meeting his?

Do you think you're a bitch for doing this? That's the more salient opinion to you; your own view of yourself. He can think you're a 6 legged alien from Zog, but you'd brush that off because you know it isn't true, so why are you entertaining this 'bitch' concept?

Thanks all for your advice and for sharing similar stories too of awkward timing. Honestly was feeling so guilty and down that I'd decided on things at the moment I did so needed to hear that I should be putting myself first and equally that it's kinder to leave him alone.
@Watchkeys good point! Why do I care what he thinks? He would share all the details of our relationship with his parents, every argument, always with his take on things and I guess I just know now that my name will be mud, that I ended things at such a stressful time for him and the family. I'll just have to reconcile myself with that and focus on what is best for me & dd because we've been in a holding pattern for the last five years.
Thanks again all for your wise words. X