Over zealous about work and work colleagues, opinions please

[LuckyLinda3]

Just that really, partner of 1yr plus was a stay at home dad for years and only working for past 3 yrs. Colleagues helped him through tough times and I absolutely get that but he really seems at times to almost prioritize them over our relationship. He has asked me to a colleagues wedding in July and I'm apprehensive because of this and my apprehension was realised last night when we were out and he spent most of the night chatting to them while I just sat beside them. He is a lovely man, if a touch easy going. I have raised it and he says he us committed to us but all advice appreciated.

Did you feel excluded?
Was last night a rare once off night out or a regular thing?

If it's not working, it's not working.

It would have been weird to go out with colleagues and talk to you all night. Did you make an effort with anyone? It doesn't unusual or weird, but if you are insecure and introverted then there are always going to be issues with relationships unless you meet someone the same.

It would help if you could explain in what other ways your partner is "over zealous" about work colleagues.

He was rude on the night out but did you try to interact with the colleagues? Because when you are the odd one out I guess you have to make the effort. Sometimes it's hard to keep bringing in a person to a conversation but he should have made an effort too. IMO.

Thanks all, I chatted away, bought a round, danced and did try my best. To be fair it was the only time we have ever met his work colleagues out but once he saw them that was it for the night.

A partner out with work colleagues often ends up like that. It’s why refuse to take dp to any.

Its a change in dynamic and it’s hard to ensure your partner who doesn’t know them, feels completely included too.

In all honesty, it sounds like you may be struggling with the fact that his focus isn’t mainly on the family. That he has other things that are going on. This seems like a really poor example. You attended a night out with people you don’t know, it was always going to be a bit disjointed.

@Andromachehadabadday @Chamomileteaplease @MerryMarigold @billy1966 thanks for the replies, sorry I wasn't clear, we were out ourselves as a couple for the night and he spotted the work colleague and her partner, it wasn't a work night out.

But then you spent the evening with them?

So ended up being a night out with his colleague?

I would understand if your point was ‘we were meant to be having a date night and spending time together, then we saw a colleague and he invited them to spend the evening with us so we didn’t get anytime together, just us 2’

but I do feel like you are slowly drip feeding because answers aren’t going your way. As you mention meeting his colleagues for the first time. Then it’s bumping into one and her partner.

Are you jealous of his colleagues op? Why didn’t you join in. Of course he’s not going to sit and chat to you specifically. Your reactions seem jealous and controlling. Are you maybe missing something in what you’ve written?

@Andromachehadabadday apologies if I wasnt clear but that's exactly it, it was a date night.

2 scenarios I can think of here (probably more!) and only you know which is more likely. Ps. Your update is very different from your OP!

A. You were on a date night with dh. Bumped into ONE colleague and partner. You got a bit jealous how well they were getting on and got into a mood, didn't really have fun. It could have been a lovely 'double date' since just one colleague and their partner. But it turned into you feeling he 'prioritises' work despite just being friendly to someone he bumped into on a night out, because generally you are quite an insecure person.

B. You sensed something between your partner and his colleague which felt 'off'. He danced with her, focused on her not you and generally made you feel like you were in the way of this lovely time with his 'colleague' (that he actually fancies and was more than delighted to bump into).

If it's B then you have bigger problems. How did colleague's partner react? Did he join in? Did he seem upset or was he having fun on a 'double date'. Did you exclude yourself or did your partner exclude you? Be honest here.

Sorry, scenario C is that the couple you bumped into are both his colleagues. In which case, it's probably more like scenario A than B, and you need to stop being jealous and insecure.

partner of 1yr plus was a stay at home dad for years and only working for past 3 yrs

So working for 3 years? Why need to bring up sahd status? Not your kids if you've only been together a year!

Did these colleagues support him through the end of his previous relationship? If so, they are going to more friends than colleagues.

I've worked in many places where colleagues were more than just colleagues and we myself would socialise outside work frequently. Other places, not the same atmosphere and I wouldn't consider going out with any of them, let alone inviting them to a wedding.

Would it help in your mind if you reframed "colleagues" to "friends who he's known longer than me"?

Op it appears fhere is every chance you’re just jealous and insecure. This is going to end your relationship. You don’t even want to go to his friends wedding because of it.

do you have friends, do you work, are you friends with people at work? I’m guessing limited to none and you put him above everything else and are unable to maintain a balance

there is only so long he will tolerate this level of neediness, it translates as jealous and controlling. I’d take a step back and think about what’s causing your reactions and how to work on youtself. It will be important to him you fit in with his social circle. Making him choose will mean you loose.

I assumed op meant part of 10 plus years.

As op also said he is ‘committed to us’ I assumed that that meant Op and their kids. But maybe not.

Still not convinced by the ‘it was date night and he saw them and invited them to join story’ though tbh. Surely that would have featured heavily in the Op that on date night, he didn’t just say hello to them. But opted to spend what should have been an evening for them, with a group instead and invited other people to join them when op wanted time alone with him. And also the fact that op refers to colleagues and ‘them’ prior to the drip feed.

Thanks to all for your replies. I didnt set the scene properly and that hasn't helped so I'll leave it there but appreciate your responses.