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Original poster

Married dating site and me…

20 replies

BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 18:39

I really don’t know how to start this…but please trust me when I say I’m not quite sure what’s happening to me…

Im 52 and started the menopause 2 years ago, hot sweats, bit tired but nothing so bad I couldn’t cope.

Home life ok generally. Married for 28 years, 3 children, two left home, one neurodiverse so a lot of time spent helping him. Sex life, zilch. Work, ok, bit stressy here and there. The last 2 years…my desire for sex has increased tremendously….but not with husband who is too busy for me. I’m not as attracted to him as I was (but I had tried but he showed no interest). We get on ok so I don’t push things.

I was feeling so lonely one day I joined a married dating site…and found myself enjoying the flirting, the chatting and attention I received. I knew I could leave the site at any time, I didn’t have to agree to meet up with anyone. I still never have.
I left one site and then the next day signed up to another one. Again, you don’t have to meet up with anyone as you can just flirt, chat, etc.

I feel like I’m such a different person to who I thought I was! I’m discovering a side of me I didn’t know was there. I’m enjoying myself and look forward to signing in when I do. My life still is very stressful, work, adult son with mh issues…but I’m not hurting anyone…or am I?

Am I wrong for continuing to do this, or do I run the risk of wanting more?
Ive never cheated in my life but I realise this is what I’m doing…

OP posts:
Kitten2 · 22/05/2022 18:47

It sounds like a bit of escapism.
Would your husband consider this cheating? What would happen if he found out?

Lookingoutside · 22/05/2022 19:00

We’re a long time dead, OP. Another 50 years we’ll be fertilizing daffodils.

You do want more.

Overthewine · 22/05/2022 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SevenSeedsOfRye · 22/05/2022 19:27

Yes, you’re wrong.

No matter how you’re justifying it to yourself.

Original poster
BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 19:52

Kitten2 · 22/05/2022 18:47

It sounds like a bit of escapism.
Would your husband consider this cheating? What would happen if he found out?

I think my husband would consider this cheating. It is escapism but I’m not sure he’d find out.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 22/05/2022 19:53

It's the equivalent of going to bars without your DH and chatting up strangers/being chatted up, just it fits your schedule more. And your DH doesn't see you getting all dolled up and asking awkward questions about where you're going.

I don't think it's right. But I don't think it's right to be in a sexually unfulfilling marriage either. I'd see this as a sign to ask yourself some awkward questions and quite possibly your DH too. Starting with, "Without these sites, would you be happy with your life exactly as it is for the next 30 years?" and if not, what would you change and why.

It could be that flirting and taking it no further is OK with your DH. But he could also feel deeply betrayed. And neither of those is wrong for him to feel.

Original poster
BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 19:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I’m not in a position to leave him, not sure I’d want to either.

If I brought up the subject of open marriage, I’m certain he’d not agree with it.
I believe he’s happy with the situation as it is.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 22/05/2022 20:02

What daretodenim said.

He's happy with the situation as it is... except he doesn't know what the situation is.

I have a pretty flexible view on infidelity but you know that your dh would consider this cheating so my view doesn't really matter.

What is he busy with? Work/earning for the family? Is it possible you're both finding external excitement? I do think you need to talk about how you see the next stage of your lives.

GayParis · 22/05/2022 20:06

I'd say this whether it were a man or woman doing this - you can't be expected to stay with someone who will not have sex with you, if sex is what you desire.

You need to speak to him and tell him you aren't happy/satisfied and come up with a solution together.

Original poster
BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 20:14

PermanentTemporary · 22/05/2022 20:02

What daretodenim said.

He's happy with the situation as it is... except he doesn't know what the situation is.

I have a pretty flexible view on infidelity but you know that your dh would consider this cheating so my view doesn't really matter.

What is he busy with? Work/earning for the family? Is it possible you're both finding external excitement? I do think you need to talk about how you see the next stage of your lives.

We have our youngest son still at home. He suffers with his MH and is on the ASD spectrum. I feel as if the last few years have been so difficult, ie, receiving a diagnosis, etc that I’m worn out with the stress. We both work hard to help our son as much as we can.

I don’t think he’s finding excitement anywhere else.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 21:30

GayParis · 22/05/2022 20:06

I'd say this whether it were a man or woman doing this - you can't be expected to stay with someone who will not have sex with you, if sex is what you desire.

You need to speak to him and tell him you aren't happy/satisfied and come up with a solution together.

Yes, I need to do this. It won’t be easy but we have to have this conversation.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 23/05/2022 10:19

Yes this is cheating in my book and I would finish it with my partner if he did it.
The sex life is something you need to discuss. If he is adamant he doesn't want one then you need to either live with it or split.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/05/2022 10:56

Life isnt Black and white
but at some stage you will want to have sex
and that’s when you need to make a decision

Marineboy67 · 23/05/2022 15:12

BlueMaroon · 22/05/2022 19:52

I think my husband would consider this cheating. It is escapism but I’m not sure he’d find out.

Show quote history

If you know your husband would think you were cheating on him by doing this then it's time to stop and re-evaluate your relationship. If he were getting his kicks like this how would you feel?

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 23/05/2022 15:16

I would divorce my husband without a second thought if I found out he was doing this behind my back. If you have sex issues you need to discuss them with him or be upfront with your online chats then he has a choice.

sunlovingcriminal · 23/05/2022 15:23

The problem is, is that you've checked out of your relationship. If you wanted to connect with your husband intimately you would have sat him down, told him explicitly that you're not happy with your sex life, and discussed together if there's anything you can do to improve it.

Instead you've gone off for the "thrills". So he's in the dark, not knowing that you're getting your kicks elsewhere (even if it is just flirting), and yet probably still thinking everything is dandy.

You need to make a decision- either sit him down, be blunt and jointly agree to up your mutual game and work on your marriage, or let the poor bugger go and get your kicks elsewhere.

What you're doing- even just flirting and messaging- is having your cake and eating it. I feel sorry for your dh.

MsEverywhere · 23/05/2022 16:54

Ah yes, perimenopause can do that! Mine went to the level it was at at summertime in my 20s!

Its not clear from your post if you actually have sexual attraction to your husband? Do you OP? How is your marriage overall? Do you want to stay with him?

CoconutShaker · 23/05/2022 19:54

MsEverywhere · 23/05/2022 16:54

Ah yes, perimenopause can do that! Mine went to the level it was at at summertime in my 20s!

Its not clear from your post if you actually have sexual attraction to your husband? Do you OP? How is your marriage overall? Do you want to stay with him?

In response, yes I did have attraction towards my husband. I know for a fact that if we did have intimacy, this attraction would further return…if that makes sense.

Since joining the site I feel more alive than ever, and am enjoying the fun I’m now having (online only). Yes, we get on ok but I know it’s helped by what I’m doing (rightly or wrongly I know). I don’t think it would be in any of our interests for either of us to leave the family home, given DSs mental health issues.

NatriumChloride · 23/05/2022 20:13

I think that’s a name change fail OP.

prohodilka · 23/05/2022 21:19

Well, if married dating sites work for women, fine.

I bet they don't work as well for men, as the business model of dating sites is usually to charge men as much as possible.

On the other hand, if that filters out the unaffluent, even better for the women (I say that with a certain sadness, but it is what it is).

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