Partner's daughter...

[Amber2022]

I am having a difficult time and I think so is my partner's daughter.
She hasn't taken to me at all. Id go as far as to say she would me to disappear.... (her dad and I got together two years ago and other than this have a brillaint relationship. We both adore eachothers company, make eachother laugh, have similar values and life goals)
I tried hard not to encroach on their family time, and I absolutely haven't tried to change anything or do anything that would threaten or upset them.
I have had a few moments where she has been friendly but most contacts she is verbally aggressive, snipey, plays her dad off against me, lies, says odd things, talks continually about people I wouldn't know.

I hought things would get better (i understand that she might be threatened, worried about attention from her dad, change, etc etc) but it's so, so bad that it's threatening our relationship.

She does have issues. There was drug use and she was expelled from school. She has quite a funny manner about her either targeting much younger children as friends or she will pick an adult to manipulate. Invariably there is an intense argument or fall out with the friend. Ive never known anyone command a room or create drama so routinely.
She lies and sadly has a reputation for being quite difficult and argumentative. At 16,

Sounds like hell, but the main thing is how does your partner react to her behaviour? Therein lies the key.

And how much time does she spend with him? And how much of that time are you there? Can you just leave them to it and see him when he is alone?

Until she's about 25? 😀

What's the living situation?

Can you just see him when she isn't there? How much contact does he have?

Hi, thanks for replies.
He has brought them up alone. Their mum sees them very infrequently and when she does is stoned, off to a party, late to meet them etc etc. Very chaotic.
Kids have lived with him since she left. It's very tricky as his DD has clearly ruled the roost. When we first met, she would phone him maybe 10 times a day.
We don't really date as such as both hwve to be home for children so used to meet a little in the day, at weekends when kids aren't there.
I've not encroached on their time.

She is quite an unusual person. Even at 14 you felt as though you were talking to someone in their 40's. I have to admit she makes me very uneasy... I dont leave my children with her at all as dont trust that an accident won't happen.
Honestly it's that bad😔

Im devistated as both her dad and I feel we have met the love of our lives. We adore eachother. I can't grasp how he is her dad as he is kind, calm and genuinely lovely.

I don't know how to help her either feel more secure etc as i can only imagine that its to do with this?

We live separately currently...

I would plan to stay living separately, she might grow out of it over the next few years, or she might get worse.

You don't want to bring that into your childrens lives.

Stay living separately!!
No good will come of you moving in together until she's established in her own space elsewhere.
She doesn't like you (or any female that would get with her dad), don't take it personally.
I would expect your partner to pull her up about rudeness towards you in the home though.
If you're happy waiting however long to move the relationship to cohabitating then hang on in there (with full suit of armour)

I agree about not moving in together. At 16 she is old enough to be left alone while her father goes out.
I would only meet him without her being there. Tell him that as things can be strained with her there, and you appreciate that she wants alone time with her father, you want it to just be the 2 of you together when you meet. If he invited you over and you know she will be there say no. Quite frankly she should not be behaving like this, she isn't a toddler.

Don’t move in together

see each other for a couple of years quietly when she/kids are at school.

id try to keep away from her and in a couple of years hopefully she might go to uni/move out.

Do you think there is anything I can do to help fix things? 😔
I worry that long term she will keep on trying to split us up.
I understand about the attachment (a little) and the insecurity (again, a little)
But as a daughter, she does seem to have an overly manipulative relationship with him.

She is used to being able to get whatever she wants and when she doesnt, she makes home life hellish for my partner.
I actually feel awful for him

The fixing it has to start with him. The more she thinks your influence will s changing things the worse she will be with you.

It has to come from him, otherwise you will be a scapegoat.

We managed to have a really lovely weekend.. Daughter was at her mums.
I actually feel so exited when I know she is away as it means he can come and stay. How awful is that 😭
We are in our 50's...I can't belive my love life is effectively controlled by a 16 year old. Its very uncomfortable.
I do wonder sometimes if walking away would be better.

This also stems from her mum.her dad has been the only safe parent she's had left.
I bet she also loves her mum loyally like children do so you being different/there/safe even will frighten her and might even make her more unsafe.
Having a mother stoned and not nurturing,caring for you has made her have to build a wall,but also be Terribly small and vulnerable.
She's also been the top woman in her dad life.
I can't blame her for how she is,but that doesn't make it right or healthy way to be.it must be awful for her in her quiet days too.
She's gone about keeping her dad in all the wrong ways.stemming from needing to be safe I suspect.
But she'll need to get help with this for it to change I think.and I think that means help help not just you being consistent.
But I wouldn't give in.
Would there ever be a way to have a really frank open sit down chat.coffee public place and explain you'll never take her dad.thinga like that.you need to talk to her dad for a way forward.if it's like this you and him won't work.does he see her as all the things you've named here?

You've said yourself she has issues. Of course she does - and she's scared of losing the only adult she can trust.

She needs to know you're not a threat to their family.

I think she's troubled because she was pretty much rejected by her mother and is feeling the pain now. I feel sorry for her. I don't think it's anything personal about you though, she just doesn't know how to express her hurt. Maybe your partner arranges some counselling for her and you try and enjoy your relationship with him whilst seeing less of her for a whole.

I don't have any advice but please don't move in with him or trust her near your children. I strongly believe in mother's instinct...

As the child in that situation I think you need to back off a bit. You don't say what kind of relationship you have with her but if you are trying anything that vaguely resembles a mother figure it is likely to wind her up.

Mt situation was different, I lived with my mother who was not screwed up by drugs and was my safe space. However my dad's partner was a nightmare. I think she just tried too hard. At a time I wasn't ready to accept another psydo-parent.

If you're in for the long haul OP I was probably about 30 before I got used to the idea. These days I put up with her. She's good with my kids. But she still isn't someone I'd choose to spend time with.... sorry!

We sat down last year, well went for an afternoon out, chatted, i listened, she had a cry and we came up with some ways to make sure she felt more secure (her and I) i assured her i would be there to help and support her whenever she needed, we had a laugh too and all seemed great for a few hours. On the way home, her face sort of twisted up & she started to say her mum wasn't that bad and that her dad had been really abusive /id better watch myself and that it would never work etc etx. I stayed really calm but the things she said did really seem odd.
I have never, ever once said anything about her mum. I would never be so insensitive or silly.. And frankly i dont wsnt her turning up at my door high on coke spoling for a fight. 😳

I am absolutely adamant that daughter must remain number one in her dad's life. She has so many behaviour issues that she does get rejected by everyone and I feel atrocious for her. At 16 she is in turmoil and her only way to survive is to manipulate and lie. Her mum constantly lets her down, doesnt turn up to collext her, lies, borrows money off her... No wonder she is in such a state. Poor girl!

She doesn't see that the lying and squaring up to people etc is what keeps people not liking her😔 she causes so much trouble everywhere she goes. Ive never seen anything like it.
Her and her dad maintain people pick on her. I think people are terrified of her😢

It now affects her dads friendships as all his friends have stepped away from him. Some of them I know very well and they have had enough of it. It's isolated him whixh is just terrible.

He has aged so much and cries very easily. It's completely broken him. He is often grey and pale.

I wish i could find a way to gently help.
Ive been a step mum before when married previously and still have a great relationship with my step son.
I am horrified to have such an awful relationship with the daughter of the man I love.
It's now been best for me to keep away totally (this was after bleach powder wss put in my face cream left at his, in his bedroom....) my partner didn't believe me even though my face was bright red and itchy... Rinsed it for ages and ages.. Still sore the following day.
Thanks so, so muxh for all the input.. Its incredibly sad for her and her dad as gradually they are isolating themselves and im losing the man i love xx

Totally understand where you are coming from and i am a child in similar position.
I hated my step mum (but then she was really gobby and brash... And didn't like children 😂) honestly we never really clicked.
When i am there, i dont try to change anything or do anything controversial. I used to do a shop, take some bits round, treats or whatever & maybe sit and have dinner or go for a walk then go home. Maybe once a week?
Certainly never try to be a mum figure. She did stomp off in disgust when she had dinner at mine because we ate at the table. She called me "too posh"
Its just a wooden table with cutlery on in the kitchen. It wasn't a dining room with candles... Just what i thought was a normal dinner. She does feel really uncomfortable with me. Im so sorry for this. It's never intentional.
I do believe she wants to keep her dad isolated and for her. I feel increasingly sorry for her...

In every post you take the opportunity to elevate yourself and take digs at her. It feels uncomfortable. Whatever is going on, it doesn't sound like it's working between you and this poor, grey, pale man. So perhaps it is time to move on. This dynamic doesn't sound healthy.

@Gotmynewshoes i'm sorry it seems like im elevating myself. I'm failing miserably with the situation & think I've made it worse by giving distance.
I get an awful lot wrong, a lot of the time🤷‍♂️im a fairly quiet person and seeing my partner so worried about her future is difficult as I don't know how to help.

My partner says he misses spending time with me and is devistated. The situation has chased everyone off, so he now says he feels so alone. Elevated? It's awful as my presence is causing this and i feel anything but good about it.

I've backed completely off so that she has her dad back. I hoped this would help but I feel ive let him down. He doesn't have any answers as to how things can be better. He Is low and tired. I love him and if i could help, i would.

I don't have any answers and absolutely take on board any thoughts from you. Thank you

I think the dynamic is too difficult. You clearly care for him, but the daughter is clearly deeply insecure and in need of help. He can't find a way to help her, let alone create a stable environment for the both of you to develop a relationship. You seeing her as this mess where all the problems come from is a bit back to front. Her mum sounds awful, but he needs to be a stable and consistent parent to give her a grounding point. To counteract the mum. Not fair, but that's what he's got. The issue comes from him not parenting her well. So I think you might be better off out. Unless you fancy teaching him how to be consistent with her. Or waiting in the sidelines until she's disappeared off somewhere in a few years.

I feel sorry for your partner, his daughter and you. She sounds frightening - the thing about the face cream is chilling. It is awful for your partner but I think I might prioritise my own happiness and safety and end this.

@Gotmynewshoes i actually agree with you. She isn't the root of the issue.. The poor love has been shaped into this. I feel wretched for her.
I'm a mum myself and can't Imagine my children feeling half of what she might be feeling.
I just wish I could fix it, but I can't.
Her dad is too exhausted to keep on like this, it feels like school have given up on her and everyone handles her like she is dsngerous. Can't wait to pass her to someone else... It's very wrong and I can see that. If professionals are exasperated what the hell chance have I got.
.
I found her some counselling and this started a few months ago. I hope it can help her.
Ive tried for several years with her (only gently) but im always the same. (although i clearly mess stuff up as im only human)
Im really touched with all replies. Thank you

Your partner needs therapy too, to help him unpack all of this. It would also help him be a better parent to the daughter. He is not doing her any favours, though it's difficult for him.