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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel regret about a divorce?

17 replies

lookatthoseskies · 22/05/2022 18:00

Married for 25 years. Husband had an affair and got the OW pregnant within three months of them meeting . Needless to say, things got nasty and divorce was my only thought at that time. It was a total shock as we were pretty happy (or so I thought!). We divorced quickly and barely spoke or discussed anything (he left to live abroad with the OW). I think he was ashamed and couldn't cope with the situation he found himself in.

6 years on, my gut feeling is that we both still have feelings for each other despite some really nasty times and over the last years, very little contact with each other.

I don't think he's particularly happy with life. He's bitter, has become a heavy drinker, lost his good looks and seems to hate the world. He was never like this before, but I 'get' that he's back to having to entertain a young child again, whereas our kids are grown up. He's mid 50's.

I've have dated huge amounts since I got divorced but still cannot shake this feeling of still loving him (and hating him at the same time). Deep down, I just don't think our love is over, although the relationship is.

Does this feeling ring bells with anyone else?

OP posts:

LilythePunk · 22/05/2022 18:14

So you want a bitter, cheating , hard drinking man in your life with a young child by another woman? Why exactly?

Overthewine · 22/05/2022 18:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Thistooshallpass. · 22/05/2022 18:37

You really need to accept the reality of the situation. Accept what he did and how he ruined it all - it's unforgivable and you should not want anything to do with a person who treated you with such disrespect. Stop thinking about how it should've been and accept how it is .
The reality is you are better off without such a man . You only look back with rose tinted glasses as you haven't happened to find anyone new .. yet . You will if you leave the past behind and embrace that there's so much better out there .

Maytodecember · 22/05/2022 18:39

Could it be you’re in love with the idea of being in love with him and the life you once had?

breatheintheamazing · 22/05/2022 18:42

Some of the previous replies have been a bit harsh

I think your in love with the man you met and married. Not the man you divorced. You miss the life you had together and the future old age you planned. You're in love with a ghost OP. That man is gone.

billy1966 · 22/05/2022 19:06

breatheintheamazing · 22/05/2022 18:42

Some of the previous replies have been a bit harsh

Agree.

Very harsh replies.

How absolutely devastated you and your children must have been at his betrayal.

Typical selfish man, to feel hard done by, for getting caught out when HE was cheating.🙄

It's a rare man in his 50's who wants to go back to the young children stage IMO!

OP, you loved him and it ended very abruptly.

I can well believe that your feelings have lingered, they are not something that can be just turned off, no matter how we try.

I think @breatheintheamazing has put it very well.

You had a dream for your life together and he dashed it so brutally.

He's a different man now.

He probably also looks back at your life together with regret too.

He behaved very badly and is having to live with the consequences.

You are a kind woman to remember him still so fondly, but he doesn't deserve you.

I don't believe you can go back to the people you both were.

He spoiled that forever.
It is and always will be, on him.

dolphinsarentcommon · 22/05/2022 19:09

OP you loved this man and shared your life with him for many years. I get that switching all that off is very hard.

It is time to put that time away though and make a new happier life.. but I don't think you should feel obliged to hate him forever.

Some comments on here need ignoring.

orangeisthenewpuce · 22/05/2022 19:11

You love who he used to be OP. Not who is is now. He's not a good person.

pixie5121 · 22/05/2022 19:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Vursayles · 22/05/2022 19:24

You really don’t need this man back in your life. I understand you might feel regret looking back at the way things turned out but it was his doing not yours - he betrayed you in the worst possible way. Looking back at the good times may bring up sadness but leaving him sounds like it was absolutely the right thing. Get out there and do what you want to do, don’t live for anyone else. If he’s miserable now, it’s only the situation he engineered for himself.

HollowTalk · 22/05/2022 19:27

I think there is something very sad when you meet up with someone who meant a lot to you and he's absolutely blown all his bridges up and is having to repent at leisure. I think it's still quite normal to feel for the man he was even though you hate the man he became.

Sofacouchboredom · 22/05/2022 19:32

Affairs do happen in happy marriages (there's plenty of evidence supporting that) so and the cheat ends up in a position that actually makes them absolutely miserable. Personally I find it VERY plausible that your ex husband is blindsided at where his life has ended up, regrets his decision making and I totally get that you being connected with him and 'knowing' him, sense that.

But it's irrelevant. He has now made his bed and he's choosing to lie in it, he's not making any moves to own his s*, just wallowing in booze! He's an unsafe partner for the affair partner, for anyone. He's definitely unsafe for you and you matter, and ultimately that's all that counts.

He's not your monkey, not your circus anymore.

You shouldn't have had to go through this... he should have been a better, safer partner to you.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/05/2022 19:33

You had his best years. Now the OW has got what's left. That's karma. He's a different person now. Forget him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/05/2022 19:35

So sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that after been married for so long and not really any closure. Some are very harsh but one person put it nicely that was the life you were meant to have and growing old together and you have not found someone that you have felt strongly about and that is what is hard to come to terms with. He ruined it all with his selfish ways and not been able to keep it in his pants. I am betting though that he misses his old life and you and the children. Do the children still have any contact with him. I often think about an ex who I shared all my 20's with and travelled half way across the world with him and feel the same and often wonder what my life with him would be like but would never actually want to be with him again.

HollowTalk · 22/05/2022 19:57

qpmz · 22/05/2022 20:00

He's not a catch now. You can be kind but you deserve someone better. Good luck.

DontPickTheFlowers · 22/05/2022 21:29

I sometimes yearn for what could have been with my exH but then I remember he’s a nasty, abusive piece of shit and genuinely feel sorry and concerned for the much younger new wife that he’s replaced me with.

His good side was never really genuine, only a ploy to lure me in again before making me feel like the most worthless person alive.

No, no no and again NO!

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