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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your ex was abusive?

23 replies

BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 15:34

There was something I read a little while ago that got me thinking, if your ex was abusive to you is it your responsibility to inform any new partners he might get? I never thought it was my responsibility but it seems some people think you have a duty to inform new partners.

OP posts:
Namechanged454 · 22/05/2022 15:35

No, I don't think it is. I struggled when my ex got a new girlfriend as I felt really sorry for her as I'm sure she has no idea of the real reason I left. but I would never say anything because I would just come out looking like the crazy ex x

chiangmai · 22/05/2022 15:40

Nothing to do with you and you will look like the mad ex which is what he will suggest you are. Just because you had an abusive relationship doesnt mean this one will be the same.

I would stay out of it

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 15:49

Generally no but if you bump into her or something one day then yeah I'd think you should.

Something along the lines of 'I hope you don't mind me saying but I sayour qnd just felt I should say. I used to date gavin and he was very abusive: *give short examples. I just thought you should be aware incase he behaves this way with you. Like I wouldn't have felt right not telling you. Maybe he has changed but, just be careful'.

Think the only reason I'd contact her on social media ect though would be if there was physical violence and i felt she was in immediate danger.

Pinkbonbon · 22/05/2022 15:49

*I saw you and

BreakinbadBreakineven · 22/05/2022 15:52

If a new partner of my ex asked me I would be honest. I have also asked one of his female friends who was very supportive when I was leaving to keep an eye out for anyone he gets into a relationship with.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 15:54

thank you, just to clarity I had no intentions of doing it and I have nothing to do with him I don’t know anything about his life and don’t want to, it’s just I was reading something else and the comments was saying it is your duty to inform exes new partners if he was abusive

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 15:56

No chance of ever bumping into him/new partners thankfully!

OP posts:
BreakinbadBreakineven · 22/05/2022 15:58

Lucky OP! I have a child with mine. To be honest I would want to know if he's behaving like he did with me because I don't want our child witnessing him bullying and intimidating anyone, or I may as well have stayed.

Xztop · 22/05/2022 15:59

Never thought of it. Mine moved away and seems very happy with his new wife (yes, I stalked their Facebook profiles!)

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 16:00

BreakinbadBreakineven · 22/05/2022 15:58

Lucky OP! I have a child with mine. To be honest I would want to know if he's behaving like he did with me because I don't want our child witnessing him bullying and intimidating anyone, or I may as well have stayed.

We have children but he doesn’t see them at all (his choice there)

OP posts:
Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 16:01

Xztop · 22/05/2022 15:59

Never thought of it. Mine moved away and seems very happy with his new wife (yes, I stalked their Facebook profiles!)

No me neither but another thread I saw was criticising women who didn’t inform their exes new partners.

OP posts:
ADHDgirls · 22/05/2022 17:28

I actually did this, and lo and behold I was proclaimed the crazy ex, jealous etc.

She did message me about a year later because he’d done the same to her.

BraveryBot9to5 · 22/05/2022 17:33

No, they wouldnt believe it so why bother.
My abusive x was a bit less angry when he had a girlfriend. I could tell it had ended before i officially knew. So for me and the dc, it was q good thing. She saw for herself in a couple of years and dumped him. If id told her (not that i met her) it would have confirm3d his stories that i was mad bad dramatic etc

MagicTurtle · 22/05/2022 18:22

Yes, I would say warn her if you can. She'll probably think you're the crazy ex, but then if he starts doing the same to her it might mean she gets out sooner (as she's possibly less likely to blame herself etc).

I'm not saying it's your responsibility - but it's a good thing to do if you can.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 18:24

MagicTurtle · 22/05/2022 18:22

Yes, I would say warn her if you can. She'll probably think you're the crazy ex, but then if he starts doing the same to her it might mean she gets out sooner (as she's possibly less likely to blame herself etc).

I'm not saying it's your responsibility - but it's a good thing to do if you can.

I don’t know anything about his relationship and don’t follow his SM as quite frankly I would be happy to never see his face ever again. So it would mean seeking him out and looking for information on him which I don’t want to do, we have no mutual friends so he is someone that will never come up in my life in any way.

OP posts:
katseyes7 · 22/05/2022 18:26

My abusive ex has been (re)married about 10 years now.
I'd be very interested to hear her version of events. Because when l was with him, l 'wound him up' and 'made him do it'.
Strange, because that's never happened in any of my other relationships in the past 45 years.

40andlols · 22/05/2022 18:35

Absolutely not your responsibility. It could be seen as making contact and reel him in or worse, anger him.

Claire's law exists (although it's absolutely not publicised enough!) so she can do her own due diligence.

Another way to look at it - would you have listened if someone had told you?

40andlols · 22/05/2022 18:36

Saying that - if he's violent and his new partner has children i'd make an anonymous referral to social services

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 18:39

I wouldn’t know if any new partners had children as I don’t check his SM that’s the whole point, am I expected to? I don’t want to see his face I’ve blocked him on everything and have no desire to check is SM I would find it triggering, I can’t even say I would listen if someone told me tbh I was young and naive when I met him so probably would have been talked round

OP posts:
40andlols · 22/05/2022 18:55

No you absolutely aren't expected to. It's not your responsibility, i just meant if you happened to know.

You're wise not to look at sm and to totally distance yourself.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 19:03

Yeah we have no mutual friends at all thankfully and don’t live in a small village where everyone knows everyone we both live in London (opposite ends) so our paths never will cross ever, it’s just the way people was saying you have a duty to warn new partners had me questioning it. I did see him on a dating app once and it made my skin crawl thinking of who would potentially meet him but I don’t feel it’s my place to get involved directly.

OP posts:
40andlols · 22/05/2022 19:38

BiscoffSundae · 22/05/2022 19:03

Yeah we have no mutual friends at all thankfully and don’t live in a small village where everyone knows everyone we both live in London (opposite ends) so our paths never will cross ever, it’s just the way people was saying you have a duty to warn new partners had me questioning it. I did see him on a dating app once and it made my skin crawl thinking of who would potentially meet him but I don’t feel it’s my place to get involved directly.

Yes it's a horrible feeling isn't it. I've seen men on dating apps who i know to be horrible and thought how scary that you'd never know looking at the profiles.

But this isn't down to you. Anyone who says it is is classic victim blaming

Fuckityfucksake · 22/05/2022 20:01

I don't believe it's yours or anyone's duty to say something no.
That said I know that a Clare's law application can be raised on behalf of someone else and where I live if one was then the person you were worried about would be contacted and told it had been raised so that maybe they could ask their own questions.
It happened to my sister. She had been seeing a guy some 12 or more months before. He was dick, she ended it, he wouldn't give up for a bit but finally did. FF to later and one day out of the blue she received a phone call from someone from the Police and told that someone had reported that they were worried about her relationship with said dickhead. My sister told them that it was over and she hadn't seen him for many many months. The policewoman told her that under those circumstances she could not disclose what he had done or why she was at risk (fair enough! we assumed it had to be something to do with DV) but if she was ever to re enter that relationship then she could apply for her own application about him.

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