Am I in a toxic or abusive relationship or just being overdramatic?

[UnicornPrincess]

A bit of context, my partner and I have been together 6 years and we have 2 children together. Our time together has been honestly very chaotic. My partner has serious mental health problems which he takes medication for but it doesn't seem to be a huge help (although I didn't know him before he went on it so perhaps it helps a lot!)

Last week an opportunity to cheat presented itself and I didn't take it but I wanted to which has set me thinking, why am I really feeling like that? I've since fallen down a bit of a mental rabbit hole and I'm wondering if there is something very very wrong here so I'm going to do a list of the things that are concerning me/playing on my mind.

• I hold back from disagreeing with him because I'm worried he will get angry
• I can't remember him ever apologising after an argument
• I feel like my suggestions are quite often ignored or ridiculed despite the fact he sometimes announces months later that we are going to whatever the thing was that I said before
• he is always telling people about how messy I am but most of the clutter in our house is his or the kids
• he often tells me "I told you that" but I don't know how my memory can be so bad for it to happen all the time
• During our last "big" argument, he told me to get out and manhandled me out of the house in the middle of the night without even letting me put shoes on
• his way of dealing with people he has fallen out with is to completely blank them (this extends to me if I fall out with him) but he also expects that I should do the same to anyone he's fallen out with but I'm just not like that and find that very hard to do
• I have changed which party I vote for because he made me feel embarrassed about voting for a smaller party
• I go to bed earlier if he's out drinking to avoid talking to him when he's drunk
• he attempted suicide and when I wanted him to go into a rehabilitation facility he said that it wasn't necessary because it had been 5 years since his last attempt so in his eyes he has it under control

-whenever he doesn't make it to bed I wake up panicking that he's done it again

• He has insomnia so will come to bed at 3/4am and sleep in until two minutes before he starts work during the week or until 3pm at the weekends

But on the other side of this, when he is awake he helps a lot with our kids and does a lot more to contribute to household chores than a lot of men do so maybe I'm complaining about nothing.

I think I'm probably going to end the relationship but what I can't tell is if I've fallen out of love with him and am trying to justify it or if there are genuine things wrong in the relationship that aren't really my fault or responsibility.

Would love to hear others opinions, be as brutally honest as you like.

He is abusive. Belittling your partner or literally throwing them out onto the street is not , in any way , okay.

Hi
He sounds controlling.
You sound like you can't be who you are around him. You're walking on eggshells/actively trying to avoid situations.
I don't think the relationship is healthy and I don't think his MH is in control/stable.
I worry if you end it he will give you the impression he's going to kill himself to make you feel guilty.
You need some support before you end it like an IDVA. You can ring the national domestic violence helpline and they can signpost you to help in your area.
Some of these are similar to things my ex husband did to me. Like playing games until 3am then coming to bed. Drinking.
He can still help with the kids and be a parent even if you aren't together x

He sounds awful and you sound really unhappy. "Helping" look after his own kids really isn't anything to shout about.

Absolutely abusive. If you notice yourself changing your behaviour around him to avoid conflict that's a pretty good indicator. You are not being dramatic.

I don't think it matters....you don't have to justify leaving a relationship that isn't making you feel happy and secure. if your gut says go then go.

it doesnt sound like a fun relationship, what are you and the kids getting to keep you there.
He has demons and im not sure by what you have put, they will ever change.
if i was you, id be getting an exit plan together.
Live can be so much better than this

He's a very difficult man to live with and if you can live like that for decades then carry on until you lose all of your identity.

You are not plasticine for him to make into a shape that he likes.

Get out now whilst you feel strong enough because in a few years he will have you completely down trodden and unable to think for yourself.

Ime when someone's mh issues start to affect your own mh it is time to call it a day...

Run for the hills, one of those would make me leave let alone that long list.

He clearly has considerable mental health problems, but at the same time he is also being horribly abusive to you, and that is completely unacceptable.

Please don't think that you have to martyr yourself and stay with him. You don't. You are not responsible for his mental health. You do not have to put up with it all or stay in this awful relationship.

I'm another saying it doesn't matter what he is. Waiting around looking for the right label for him, a label that gives you permission to leave, is pointless.

You are miserable. You are fearful. His behaviour is the cause of your misery and fear.

If you want permission to leave you have it, I give it to you freely. But you need neither my permission or any justification to leave him.

You are being under dramatic in not leaving already.

You need to get out before he decides he is better and stops taking that medication.

What are your options, in terms of housing and income?

A relationship that causes you to ask this question isn't the relationship for you, regardless of any details.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Make no mistake here you are in an abusive relationship with this man and in turn your children are too. They will also be affected by all this around them if they aren't already. Put them and you first for a change and get the hell away from him as soon as possible.

You need to end this relationship both for yourself but also for your children. They deserve better than being raised in a chaotic household.

Ime (exh had depression but refused meds) there is a fine line between mh issues and just Twatism..

If the only redeeming features he has is that he does a lot more housework than a lot of men then you really need to pick your standards out of the gutter OP!

He actually sounds almost identical to my exH - still wondering if it actually is. What I can say is he won't change. He doesn't care and he doesn't want to. The reason he puts you down, belittles you constantly is to make himself feel more important. He knows exactly what he's doing and he won't change because he doesn't care.

I'm so sorry OP but this is a terribly low bar to set for a relationship. Your life will improve immeasurably once you get rid of that one..

You are a saint putting up with all of this and I bet once you have read all this again you will have your answer. You cannot save him from himself and his issues but you have to put you and the children first and a new start away from him will stop you from sinking into a depression as that is what will happen if you stay with him. You are repressing who you are and that is not healthy at all as you cannot live your life like that. Ask him to leave and contact women's aid to get some advice.

I am currently doing the Freedom Programme and the not apologising thing is a massive red flag….basically everyone behaves like a dick sometimes but the problem lies with those who cannot admit that they’ve done anything wrong and learn from it.